Speech by Rory Newsome

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Rory Newsome
Speech Date: Sep 2001
Good afternoon ladies & gentlemen.

I preparing for this speech I was advised that it should last as long as it takes to make love…..…

Thank you very much ( sit down).

I must confess this is a nerveracking experience and I can assure that this isn't the first time I ‘ve stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

In fact I hope you'll indulge me for a moment if I just picture you all naked ………………………………..it doesn't help with my nerves but I do find it strangely exciting.

Now tradition dictates that it is my duty to “dish the dirt”on Nicks past but if you think I'm going
to conform to such conventional behaviour, then you'd be absolutely right……..because lets face it what a sitting target Nick makes!

But I'm sorry ladies & gentlemen to disappoint you but I won't be talking about Nicks drinking problem . I only picked him up from the clinic recently and his therapist specifically asked me not to recount the numerous drinking stories. With all this alcohol about she said it may just tip him over the edge .So instead let me give you a potted history on our Golden Boy.

Born in March1968 it will be no shock to learn that he was in fact an ugly baby. It was remarked that he had a face like a character that Walt Disney forgot to draw.

However young Nick blossomed into a beautiful bundle of joy guilty of no more than looking up ladies dresses – some things haven't changed but he did develop a love for the forest of Nottingham, not the green one but the red shirted ones who kicked a round ball . He also loved
football…….and would play for hours in the street with his mate Bob – he was hopeless in all positions so things haven't there changed either.

At school he was nicknamed God mainly for his holier than thou attitude and if he did do any work it was a minor miracle.

Our paths first crossed at the great educational institution that is Liverpool Polytechnic. Now I should have a small warehouse of stories on these formative years but frankly it's all a blur.
I do recall 3 of us returning from another cultural night out and slumping in a shop door. PC Merseybeat turned up and enquired who we were. Not wishing to give our real names I looked around the shops and said quick as a flash, I'm Austin, Austin Reed. Chris over there cottoned on and said Mark, Mark Spencer. When Nick was asked he said Ken, ken what said the policeman with agitation Ken ,Ken Tuckyfriedchicken.

Nick then qualified as an extremely fine Chartered Surveyor and has worked in private practice
ever since mainly due to the lack of council work, as apparently he didn't have any experience
driving gritting lorries.

Now why select me as best man – my natural charm- possibly, ability to be funny- unlikely, or the fact that I've less hair than Nick! In his early days he had a thick head of black spikey hair. He'd groom it for hours ,blowdry , gel , moose, hairspray it all went on . Now all he puts on his head before he goes out is superglue.

Another Nickism is his dancing skills or lack of them .I call it the non rhythm method. The head looks one way the body another and the feet kick out .I can only liken it to a bad English version of Riverdance .

Another unknown fact is that Nick hires out part of his body for film making ( no not that part its far too small!) . His expanding belly has been used by Jabba the hut and most recently the ****** advert – you know where the runner is being chased down the street – well that was Nicks belly.

Talking of Nicks favourite subjects – food- he told me last night ( in confidence) that for his wedding breakfast he has ordered 8 rashers of bacon , ½ dozen sausages ,eggs ,mushrooms , beans , 6 slices of fried bread and a tankard of tea .For his new wife he's ordered a piece of lettuce and a carrot .When the service lady brings it in looking puzzled , he will explain that he wants to see if his wife eats like a rabbit as well .

Now as you can see I've taken my responsibilities seriously . For instance last night I ensured that he got a good nights sleep , tucked him up in bed with his favourite rags – Razzle and Penthouse – and in no time at all he was sleeping like a baby – mind you every half hour or so he kept waking up and asking for his mummy.

Oh I will tell you a Nick drinking story then!

Sam's birthday BBQ springs to mind – a great night, Nick the perfect host showing us the English
Riverdance and then disappearing. Three hours later we heard noises from the bathroom , the windows being open. An unpleasant experience ensued as Nick decided to empty not only his stomach but the entire contents of his body! Not a novelty in itself until we discovered that vomiting was making him bilingual – he was fluent in Swahili . Booozemalingmulamabay , mazmawindekoomawalwawi echoed out into the trees and surrounding streets. He spoke fluently for hours – malawi ->Finally he collapsed head against the pan -“ oh nice and cold, what have I done, how could I have been so stupid , Port & Tizer” .Next morning he resembled Kermit the Frog .

So having maligned Nick enough, I have to say mate that all your lottery numbers have definitely come up in marrying Sam whom you will agree with me looks absolutely gorgeous and stunning today . Unfortunately Sam in marrying Nick you appear to have come up with the bonus ball!

When I asked Nick what he wanted from the marriage he replied ,love, happiness and possibly a family- I posed the same question to Sam and she responded – a fruit juicer.

Cards and emails

Dear Nick & Sam
Sorry I can't be there on your special day but I have a prior appointment!
Love Lord Jeffrey Archer

Dear Sam
We could have been so good together!
Love George Clooney

Dear Nick
We could have been so good together!
Love Dale Winton

So it just remains to observe that married women are always heavier than single women. This is because single women come home look what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married
women come home see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

It has been a privilege and a honour to be your best man today .I take this opportunity of wishing you both all the happiness in the world.

So ladies and gentlemen I would ask you to charge your glasses and please upstanding to toast the bride and groom.