Speech by Russ
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Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Russ
Speech Date: 23/07/2015 22:36:15
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I hope everyone is enjoying this very special day so far. It's been emotional. I mean, even the cake is in tiers!
I should introduce myself. For those who don't know me, I'm Russ, the groom's brother and the BEST man. It's a huge honour to be here today, mostly because, as far as Stew's concerned, I've never been the best at anything.
Oh yeah, before I forget, The venue manager spoke to me earlier & in the interest of health and safety, no one is to get up on the tables and chairs during my standing ovation.
[If's there's no microphone] Now I did ask for a microphone but I was told there wasn't one available. So if you can't hear me at the back, the silence from the people from the front should reassure you that you're not missing anything.
Seriously though, I would like to say a big “thank you” to the bridesmaids for today. As you will all agree they have done a marvellous job and all look fantastic. They are only eclipsed by Kerry herself, who I'm sure you'll agree looks absolutely stunning.
Stew, you don't look too bad yourself, although, I am a little disappointed that you've copied my outfit!
On behalf of the whole wedding party, I'd like to thank Stew & Kerry for asking us to be involved in the most important day of their lives. I know they've both put a huge amount of effort in to the planning of this wedding, especially Kerry, and I can only hope that, apart from this speech, everything else will have exceeded their expectations.
Now there's nothing I wouldn't do for Stewart & likewise there's nothing Stew wouldn't do for me. In fact we've spent most of our lives doing nothing for each other.
Looking around this packed room, it's surprising just how far some people are prepared to travel for a free lunch. Stewart truly is a lucky man today. Kerry is a wonderful girl & she deserves a great husband. It's a good job you married her before she had a chance to find one!
I was digging around at home and found some of Stewart's old school reports & I thought I'd share them with you.
At nursery, Stewart was different from all the other 5 year olds. He was 11!
‘Stewart was an ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects’. Sorry that should be, ‘Stewart was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects.’
Geography Stewart is the only one in the class who thinks Ellesmere Port is a fine wine.
Biology whilst groom is often very enthusiastic, he took it a little too far by revising for his blood test.
Religious Education Stewarts understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.
When Stewart did leave high school though, he was recognised as having made a major contribution to the school's football team. By never going anywhere near it.
I then went to Stewart's work and asked some of his colleagues what they thought of him. The common belief is that working with Stewart is like working with god. That because he's rarely seen, he's holier than thou and if he does any work, it's a bloody miracle.’
And today, Ladies and Gentleman …Here is a man who is now putting the letters BSC after his name! But what he doesn't tell anyone is that it actually stands for Bronze Swimming Certificate.
Before I finish I do have a short notice that Stewart has asked me to read. [New card from pocket] For Sale – a complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. Excellent Condition. £500 ONO. No longer needed as I'm just married & the wife knows everything.
Instead of doing the traditional “upper hand gag” at this point, I thought I'd give you some advice.
Always remember to tell your wife those three important little words ‘You're right dear’.
Kerry, a husband is like a tiled floor [pause] lay it right first time and you can walk all over it for years.
Stew, the best way to remember your anniversary……… is to forget it once.
And finally Stew, it is very important to get on with your mother-in-law. Now I haven't spoken to Ann in 5yrs. It's not that we don't get on; it's that I don't want to interrupt her!
But may your love be modern enough to service the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.
HERES TO LOVE, LAUGHTER, AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER, AS Stewart & Kerry START THEIR NEW LIFE, PLEASE STAND & TOAST THE NEW HUSBAND & WIFE. STEWART AND KERRY
