Speech by Russell Aitken

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Russell Aitken
Speech Date: 21/08/2011 19:05:37

The best man speech.

Ladies, Gentlemen, Boys and girls..  (grooms nickname).

For those of you who don't know me, I'm R and A has been my best mate for 26 LOOONG years, but before I get with the character assassination, I would like to start with a couple of toasts.

On behalf of the bride and groom I would like to thank you all for your attendance today in celebration of their marriage. N, your dress is amazing and you are looking exceptionally beautiful today, A is certainly punching above his weight! The bridesmaids are looking amazing as well and have done a great job in helping N look as beautiful as she does. So here's a toast to say thanks to the bridesmaids for doing such a wonderful job.

To  (P, J, M, T and B.)  THE BRIDESMAIDS

TOAST

I'd also like to thank E (father of bride) and A for their speeches, you have both left me with a hard act to follow, so huge thanks to both of you for that!!

I'd like to also toast the parents of our newly-weds Y, E, R and D to thank them for hosting such a wonderful wedding.

To THE IN-LAWS

TOAST

So now, lets get on with the humiliation of the groom!  I first met A in primary school 26 years ago. I think between our mutual affliction of Ginger hair, and poor hair cuts we really hit it off together. Of course, since that day I have changed my hair style several times. A however, has not.

Regardless of his never changing ginger BOUFFANT, during the many years I've known A, I've certainly learnt a lot about him and I believe he exhibits the qualities that promises a long and loving marriage for him and N.

I think we can all agree that LOYALTY is a very important quality in a marriage.  And I think we can all agree that A is incredibly LOYAL.  For example, when Andy finds something he loves, he will keep it close to him forever.  I still remember that nokia he was using from 2002, that was held together with sellotape! Which was second hand anyway from D! I'm also yet to see him in a pair of socks that don't have a hole in them!

A is also incredibly PASSIONATE and fiery. I think we can also all agree that PASSION is important in a marriage.  We know that A is PASSIONATE, because in our last ever game of bramhall rangers five-a-side football, he decided to play with said passion and desire in his heart. Giving it his all. And earning himself the only red card of our league history in the process.  If anyone is interested the video is on youtube.

We also have examples of A always willing to GO THE EXTRA MILE.  We all know the story. We were there for the training. Willing him through it. And he's told the story time and time again. No, I'm not talking about the Marathon De Sables.  I'm talking about the infamous pub quiz one gallon beer challenge.  The penalty for coming last in the quiz is the requirement for the team to consume 1 GALLON of beer in 5 minutes.  4 people in the team, so that's 2 pints each.  Unfortunately for A, as the last drinker for the team, he had to mop up on any failed attempts.  So A had to drink 3 pints in a minute.  As we all know, A's not the type of guy to let you down.  He'll always push himself to GO THE  EXTRA MILE to achieve something no one in the pub quiz had ever managed. 

Picture it.  You've come last in the pub quiz and exposed yourself as a Loser.  You're now faced by 3 pints in 1 minute in front of all those fellow pub quizzers. 

A steps up to the plate and downs his first pint.  The barmaid grumbles “he's never going to make it!”.  “Have faith!”, they all said.  The second pint goes down slower, but was finished with a smile.  The room falls silent.  It's the big moment.  A lifts his 3rd pint up high and consumes it all in one swift gulp.  The room goes ballistic and cheers, in amongst the cheers the grumbling barmaid counts down, “He's going to be sick in 10.. 9…8…” A proclaims that “actually I feel alright.” “7.… 6.… 5…” “I'm just going outside for a second..”

You could hear the sound of heaving from inside the pub.

Much like his famed marathon des sables, A went that EXTRA MILE for his team.  And much like the marathon des sables, he left a graphic warning on the ground for others to see!

A has also shown how he really UNDERSTANDS WOMEN and what women want.  I recall a night out in a bar in Manchester, when a group of girls on the table next to us pointed out how weedy A looked. A, obviously wanting to exhibit that he knows exactly how the female mind works, challenged one of the girls to an arm wrestle! He claims he went easy on her at first, although the sweat on his brow told a different story! But when her mate joined in, his hand “slipped” and he managed to slap one full on in the face! In some ways it worked out. He ended up talking to all 12 of them! Its definitely a story we've never let him forget!

Being a great COMMUNICATOR is also a valuable trait in marriage! An example in Northern Finland best illustrates this. While sat with a few friends in a questionable looking pub, a middle aged woman sat down next to them. She didn't speak much English, and A doesn't speak Finnish. So he employed the English foreign language technique of talking SLOW-ER AND LOUD-ER! When this too was struggling, he employed the use of sign language. Being a snowy area he asked if she ski-ed. You know, ski-ed? SKI-ED (do ski-ing motion with hands). She took this to mean he wanted to dance and duly dragged him off to the dance floor! N, I think he said the first dance might be of a similar style tonight! (do ski-ing motion again) Thankfully A is also more RESPONSIBLE nowadays! Back when he was 16, A decided to conduct a “bedroom experiment”…with a match and a piece of paper.  However, what A then did was chuck the smouldering waste into the wicker bin?!.. Along with the usual teenage tissues.. and his can of lynx deodorant… “BOOOM!” was the sound his family heard from downstairs. 

When they all came rushing up they were greeted by a plume of smoke, and a flaming bin! Having already damaged the carpet, R did what any responsible father would do. and threw the flaming wreck into the bath. thus destroying the enamel on the bath too. For weeks, he kept the true cause secret, until it got to the point that R threatened to sue Lynx over the faulty can! Luckily it was at that point A decided to come clean about his bedroom experiment.

I think we can all agree that those stories definitely show that A is loyal, passionate, he will always go the extra mile, is a great communicator, really understand women and is incredibly responsible which are all the attributes of a great husband.  Failing that N, we can at least hope he's learnt from his past mistakes and is now an expert in all of these areas…

I would like to end on a positive note, and tell you a story which I think illustrates just how much these two love each other.  Just under 2 years ago, when N and A had only just started dating, N went on holiday to Bruges. When A went there the following week with his friends, she told him that she had left a stone near the statue in the main square, with a message on it for him. I think we all knew that he was falling in love with her when he spent an unsuccessful hour hunting for that very stone. In some ways, I like to think that stone is still there, waiting for him to find it. In other ways, I also like to think it was N's first test to see if she could make him do whatever she asked!

Joking aside, as a couple, I think you'll all agree that A and N are perfect for each other. A, I've known you for 26 years and it has been a great privilege to be asked to be your best man so I hope I haven't let you down.  N, in those 26 years A has always been there whenever I've needed him and I know how much he loves you and I know that he will make a great husband.  And we will all agree that you will both be extremely happy together for many years to come.

Finally I'm sure A will be pleased to hear that my speech is almost over! However those running the sweepstake might be getting worried. So maybe i just just take a few seconds thinking about my next words…

A, once again its been an absolute honour to be your best man. N, I hope you appreciate that I brought him back 99% complete from wales! Perhaps his self respect may have been left behind.. And potentially a criminal record.. But don't worry, we were wearing masks (put on mask of Grooms face that we had at stag weekend and look at crowd).  But I truly hope that you are both enjoying your day as much as everyone in this room is.

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, I would ask you all to stand for our FINAL toast to our newly wed bride and groom, wishing them all the happiness in the world!

To N and A!

(SIT DOWN & BREATHE)