Speech by Russell Cox

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Russell Cox
Speech Date: Jul2007
Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls I hope you are having a wonderful time, For what seems to be the tenth time today I find my self rising from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Russell . My full name is actually ‘Russ do you want a pint’
For those of you who I meet in the bar later, I'd appreciate it if you could use my full name. [pause]

Before I begin Jen would you place your right hand on the table, Ben would you place your left on top of Jen's. All will be revealed in good time.

It is well known that I can talk and I couldn't help but notice that there is a bet on about the length of my speech.
Well, just to let you know, having backed myself at 2 hours 26 minutes and with the kitty currently standing at around 㿞 – I must apologise in advance, so please make yourself comfortable and enjoy the ride.

In my role as best man it is customary to say a few thank you's I would like to thank the bridesmaid Sarah and flower girl, Izabella whom I'm sure you will agree both look Lovely.
And how nice it is to see my wife out of a tracksuit bottoms running around after kids all day – you scrub up well dear!.

Bill and Cathy, Graham and Gel for their generosity in helping fund this lovely day, I have been assured by the new Mr and Mrs Cripps that the finest Nursing homes await you in a few years

A special mention and thanks to the most handsome man in the room, KAYA, my little man, who has done us proud being a page boy at his aunty and uncles wedding, Anyway Thank you Kaya for being the best pageboy and a great Power ranger and managing to stay in your suit this long.

The most important people at this wedding, The Bar Staff – a big thank you

And finally, the National Trust, for without them, on that sunny day on June 1983 beneath the oak tree in the grounds of Hatfield House Graham and Gel would not have conceived that bouncing baby girl who now sits here as a beautiful bride

Raise your glasses to that National Trust

Instead of stories you will have to listen to my martial advice instead.

I'm not sure I'm the best person to dish out advice! But I do have the following words of wisdom for the happy couple.

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who is the boss:
Then do everything Jen says.

Always remember to tell your wife those three important little words [pause] ‘You're right dear’.

Jen – A husband is like a tiled floor [pause] lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take the husband gives and the wife takes. [pause]

Ben also just remember it only takes a couple of words mumbled in chapel and you're married. But it only takes a couple of words mumbled in your SLEEP and you're divorced!

Jen also remember, men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with.

On the other hand BEN women are also like a fine wine.
They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache

finally and most important Always Always TALK to your mother in law – don't for God's sake do what I ended up doing and not talking to her for two years. I honestly don't have a problem with the Gel actually I quite like her – I just was brought up to think its rude to interrupt

Now the Honeymoon

When Ben and Jen discussed the honeymoon, Jen said she fancied somewhere hot, steamy and somewhere she had never been before, When Ben suggested the kitchen the two of them didn't speak for 3 days

We all hope you have a wonderful time on your honeymoon in North Wales, at least that's where I think Ben said they were going, he just said he was going to Bangor for 2 weeks.

A few Telegrams have arrived
Produce cards and props

To Ben we could have been so good together I will miss our nights by the pool – lots of love, Michael Barrymore.

Dear Ben,

congratulations on getting married, and also on winning our big spender of the month award!

Lots of love from the lap dancers at Jockey Club, Latvia.

Dear Jen and Ben

Here is some sun tan oil for your honeymoon, I hope it protects you from the RAYS better than it did me

Love Steve Irwin hand over sun tan oil

Dear Jen and Ben **this is from your hotel in The Grenadines****

There may be a slight delay in getting to your room when you arrive …
this is because we are putting something on for you… ITS CALLED A ROOF!!

However they have installed on your request BEN Hi speed internet
access and both Brin and Martin have been given the hotels contact details in case the Crash Server goes down.

Now in case any of you are wondering why I asked Ben to place his hand
on Jennifer's.

I will tell you now, Ben it is with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last 10 minutes in which you have had the upper hand on Jen's. It will almost certainly be the last.

So to wrap this up, I'd just like to say that marriage is not about
finding someone you can live with, it's about finding someone you can't
live without.

Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you that are still capable of standing, would you now do me the honour of rising to your feet… and raising your glasses to Mr and Mrs Cripps