Speech by Russell Williams

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Russell Williams
Speech Date: Mar 2002
Best Man's Speech.

Introduction.

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me I'm the Best Man and my name is Russell ‘would you like another drink’.

Please feel free to say hello later in the evening.

Firstly I'd like to thank you all for joining us to celebrate the wedding of Mr & Mrs Plunkett. It's been a great day so far and the hotel has done the happy couple proud. I'm sure you'll all agree that the bridesmaid, Rosemary, looks lovely and has done a great job. The speeches have gone well despite the amount of alcohol consumed by the parties involved!

Unfortunately every silver lining has a cloud – so now you've got to listen to me.

Speech.

I'll warn you all before hand that I'm not an experienced public speaker, and despite some people's opinion that I like the sound of my own voice, this is going to be short and sweet. It's also quite dry in here and I'm slightly worried about my throat – if I go on too long Rachel has threatened to cut it!

I was both honoured and surprised by Julian's decision to ask me to be his best man. Honoured that he trusted me to perform all the duties expected of a best man on the most important day of a couple's life and surprised by his stupidity – you see I'm not know for my tact and diplomacy!

Julian Plunkett was born on the 23rd February 1973. Julian life has been very influenced by the year he was born. 1973 was the year that the film The Exorcist was released and I'm sure the vomiting scene rings a bell with anyone who's been drinking with him. The Osmands were the best selling pop group, which I think goes some way to explaining Julian's dress sense and his unique style of dancing.

Rachel was also born in 1973; 7th October to be precise, but has been subject to a totally different set of influences from that year. Did you know that The Chopper bike, you know the one with the big handle bars and the long high backed seat, was at the height of it's popularity in that year. If the stories I've heard about the Hen Night are true she still has a very keen interest in Choppers – but apparently it has nothing to do with bicycles.

The summer of that year oral contraception was made widely available on prescription – if Mrs Plunkett & Mrs Williams had managed to get her hands on some sooner we may not be sitting here today!

I've known Julian for some time through his friendship with my younger brother Robin, and through the cricket club. I first became a friend of Julian when Robin and I bumped into him wandering aimlessly around the pubs one Saturday evening, desperately looking for someone to drink with.
I dutifully obliged and we've been close friends ever since.

Talking of the cricket club I can see a few other faces here that are members of the club. I'm sure they'll all agree with me that Julian's a bit of an all rounder, he posses the unique talent of being useless in every position! Let's hope Rachel has more luck with him.

Julian is a superb young man, He's handsome, intelligent, funny, charming, generous, sensitive… (Turn to Julian),

“ What does that word say? I can't read your writing”!

I like to think I've been a bit of a good luck charm for Julian & Rachel.
I was present when they met on the 25th September 1999 on a miserable afternoon in Manchester. I was also present when Julian got down on bended knee and proposed, just after the stroke of Midnight, January 1st 2001. And now I'm present on their wedding day.

This may be news to Julian but Rachel has also asked me to be present at the conception of their first child – just in case he needs a helping hand.

So, after today what next for the happy couple?

Well, they have the honeymoon to look forward to. On Sunday they fly to the beautiful setting of the Maldives for two weeks where they'll get lots of sun, sand and good food.

My advice to you both is enjoy the Maldives, but remember once the honeymoon is over there are three types of sex in a marriage; all over the house sex, bedroom sex, and hallway sex.
All over the house sex occurs in the first year or so of marriage. It's when you'll do it anytime, anywhere, in any position for any reason.
Bedroom sex develops later, and is when you have sex on a Saturday night in the bedroom (If you're lucky!).
Hallway sex is in the later stages of a marriage. This is when you pass each other in the hallway and scream ‘screw you!’

Before the cards and toasts I would like to share my picture of Julian and Rachel on the morning after the wedding night. Julian will call down to their hotel's room service and order breakfast. For himself he'll order one pound of bacon, twelve fried eggs, and two pints of orange juice. For his new wife he'll order a piece of lettuce and a carrot.
The room service lady will of course be puzzled by this request and ask him whether Mrs Plunkett might want something more substantial
To which Julian will probably reply "After last night I'm conducting an experiment to see if she eats like a rabbit as well!"

Read a selection of cards.

So I'd just like to say Julian, you are a lucky groom; you've married Rachel today and she's beautiful, intelligent, funny, warm, loving and caring. And she deserves a good husband. So thank God you married her before she found one!

Finally I would like to end on a serious note Ladies and Gentlemen.

Julian and Rachel, I am honoured to be here to share your special day. Your both very special people and I'm very proud to be your friend. I've never met two people more suited to each other and I have no doubts that you'll be very happy together.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding for a toast.

Mr & Mrs Plunkett, The Bride and Groom.