Speech by Russell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Russell
Speech Date: 17/06/2016 20:34:27

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and thank you very much to [Bride's Father] for your excellent speech and to [Groom] for your…speech. I thought [Groom]’s speech would be a tough one to follow and it turns out I was right – I could barely follow a word of it.

Firstly, many of you will have never seen or heard of me before so let me introduce myself. My name is Russell, although some of you may know me, or have heard of me under the names of ‘Sprout’ or ‘Sprouty’. Those of you who have heard that before may well know the reason I'm called that, and I'll leave the rest of you to see if you can work out why.

Before I go any further, I must say I'm sure you'll all agree that [Bride] looks absolutely stunning today, doesn't she? [Bride], I hope that your day has been everything you always dreamed of and even more, and if this speech doesn't let the day down, I fear that [Groom]’s dancing will.

[Groom] and I met at university back in [Year], down in [City], where we shared a room in halls for the first year and we've been very good friends ever since, despite that feeling like very long year. Since we only met at 18 years old, I know very little of his childhood that is worth sharing with all of you. The good news is that I have had an insider working for me getting me some nice, juicy stories – thank you [Bride]! The bad news is that [Groom]’s life appears to be incredibly boring. Either that, or he's done a few things that his family refuse to talk about. One story that I have been told is that, he decided that his new 9-year-old step sister, [Name], needed a little bit of ‘toughening up’. His way of doing this was to put her head-first into a wheelie bin, and drag her to the top of the drive.

When we first met, I thought [Groom] seemed quite quiet, didn't have much to say, and was quite shy and hesitant meeting new people, but as I got to know him, I came to realise that [Groom] was actually really lazy. I genuinely lost count of the number of times I'd got back to our room at about quarter past 1, having been to 4 hours of morning lectures, to find him still fast asleep in bed, having missed three hours of his own lectures.

There's no denying it – as students, we liked a pint or two and [Groom] was no exception. This one time, [Groom] was buying a pint in a pub and I will do a little mime so show you what I witnessed [Groom] do right after the barman served him his drink. [Do mime of [Groom] picking a pint up and immediately dropping it on the floor.] Very calmly, [Groom] just looked at the floor, looked at the barman and said “Can I have another pint please”.

After two years at university, [Groom] decided that academia wasn't for him and, not wanting to leave his friends behind, he stayed in [City] and got himself a job at Tesco where his work would start very early in the morning. Even after a late, heavy night, which happened a fair few times, [Groom], ever the trooper, would still drag himself out of bed to make sure that he was up early enough so that he could get [Housemate], his housemate, to phone in sick on [Groom]’s behalf.

In 2008, along with a few others, [Groom] and I were going to Reading festival and we were shopping together in preparation, each looking for a new rucksack. After a few minutes looking at the choices, I made my decision and I told [Groom] which rucksack I had chosen. Large capacity, plenty of pockets and not too expensive. A little while later [Groom] decided he wanted the same one as me so we asked the shop assistant for two of these rucksacks. After returning from the store room, the assistant told us that, unfortunately, there was only one left. So [Groom], being the decent guy that he is, and knowing that I'd chosen the bag before him, had no hesitation in saying “I'm taking that one – here's my card!” Arguably, though, I had the last laugh, as I was offered the display model which was perfectly good for a nice little discount…which annoyed [Groom] terribly!

[Groom] is very competitive. Whether he is playing me at Fifa, or [Bride] at Uno, if he loses, he will sulk. There was one time, we were playing Fifa and I was giving him a particularly bad hammering, and I distinctly remember seeing his controller cartwheeling across the floor. Obviously it wasn't his fault – his players just weren't doing their job properly. In short, if you beat [Groom] at something, don't be too surprised if he doesn't play you again.

[Groom] has achieved some incredible feats since I've known him. He is the only man I know who has managed to clear an entire room with just one single fart. He is also the only man I've ever known to have had a tab in a kebab shop. Whether those two are related, I'm not sure… He's also managed to find someone willing to take him on – an achievement in itself I think.

One day, I'd noticed that [Groom] had disappeared off the radar a little and, a few text messages later, I managed to drag of him that he'd been ‘distracted’ by a girl called [Bride], and things were going well. On [Groom] and [Bride]’s third date together, they had met up in [City] eating take-away sausage and chips on the pier. [Bride] warned [Groom] that the seagulls there were particularly crafty and they would easily steal food from him if he wasn't careful. [Groom], confident he couldn't be outwitted by a bird, responded by saying that, if one came near, he would just fight it. The next thing, [Groom] had to watch helplessly as a seagull swooped down, stole his sausage and flew off with it. Seagull 1 [Groom] 0, and [Groom] will never play against that seagull again.

Since I've known [Groom], [Bride] is the first girl I've known him go out with, so it didn't surprise me that's not trying to keep hold of her, he wasted little time in slipping a ring on her finger.

Genuinely, though, [Groom] is a genuinely great guy, honest, loyal and a great friend. In nearly 15 years of knowing each other, we have never once had a falling out. When [Groom] asked me if I would be his Best Man, I had no hesitation in accepting and I am truly honoured to be standing here in front of you all here today. I am so happy that [Groom] has found someone who has made him truly happy. I would just like to take this opportunity to say that I think the two of you make an amazing couple and I'd like to wish you both a very long, healthy and happy future together. And [Groom], the best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.

Now, if you would all like to raise your glasses and join me in a toast to the new Mr and Mrs [Surname] – to the bride and groom!