Speech by Ryan Hynd

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ryan Hynd
Speech Date: Jul 2004
When James asked me to be his bestman, he dulled my fear by plying me with alcohol and offering me £10 to do it. I told him there was no force on earth that could change my mind. So then he offered me £25. I asked him if he thought I was cheap. So he offered me £50….… So Good afternoon ladies and gentleman my name is Ryan and I'm the bestman.

I would like to start by thanking James on behalf of the beautiful bridesmaids for his kind words. I would also like to thank Jennie, who I'm sure you will all agree looks stunning today, for agreeing to marry James. Many of us were beginning to think no one would ever do this.

Now I know I haven't known James that long, we only met about 3 years ago now. But as I have been sitting thinking about what to put in this speech I have realised that over the past, James is at the root of most of the problems in my life over the past 3 years. Let me explain why.

Firstly there was this little exam we both had to do as part of our training. James did it first and being such a bright spark he sailed through no problem. He tells me it's so easy I could do it in my sleep. So I pitched up on the day of the exam feeling pretty relaxed this was going to be no problem. Needless to say with my James induced relaxation I failed miserably….… So you see James caused my career to suffer, a real friend would have scarred the crap out of me before the exam.

But that's not all………

Then he let me drive his car one day, which those of you who have seen the blue streak that is actually a Subaru go past will know his car is pretty fast. Well this made my car seem like a tortoise with arthritis. So I had to go and buy a new car, and fast cars aren't cheap. Then he let me listen to his new amplifier and speaker system watching Gladiator with arrows whizzing past from all directions. So I went on a little trip with James to a home cinema shop in Newcastle, where we saw a nice little system. But James said the screen wasn't big enough, the speakers are to small, there isn't enough bass… so I end up with a system which would put most cinemas to shame…… So you see James has ruined me financially, a real friend wouldn't have let me drive his car or listen to his home cinema system.

But that's not all………

Then James met Jennie. We all know James needed someone to, how can I put it, point him in the right direction in life, but Jennie not only points him in the right direction, but also tells him what time to set off, where from, where to, how long and make sure he phones at least three times. Unfortunately she does the same to me too. Those of you who now me will realise that my hair has got a lot shorter and changed style completely. This was because Jennie didn't like my hair and didn't want it in her wedding photos, so she dragged me kicking and screaming to a hairdresser and (pointing to hair) this is the result……… So I'm now a quaking shell of the man I used to be and, combined with having to do this speech, am now a nervous wreck. A real friend would have steered clear of such a strong willed woman.

But that's not all………

Because after that the two of them played Tag team. You see Jennie bought a new house. James and Jennie invited me over regularly on some ruse or another and instead made me paint, assemble furniture (and they bought a lot of furniture), put up shelves, mirrors and pictures. Build a shed in their backyard and do a stint of furniture removal work when James sold his house…..Then they decided they didn't like where the shed was so back I was lugging the shed all around their backyard till they were happy with it…..… So as a result of all this I'm a physical wreck. Real friends would have paid someone to do this so I didn't have to.

But that's not all………

James and Jennie decided that having me work my fingers to the bone for them wasn't enough. Instead of financial remuneration, which would have been nice, they would feed me all the time too. Know Jennie may be a dietician but you would never know it from what you get fed ice-cream, banana-bread, sausage casserole, chilli, Beef Wellington….… So I put on loads of weight and now weigh more than Lisa Riley. Real friends wouldn't have fed me so much!

But that's not all………

I was a complete tea-totaler before the two of them got hold of me last Christmas. They fed me gin & tonic, port, red wine, white wine, mulled wine and a selection of 16 whiskies…… So now verging on alcoholism they tip me over the edge by asking me to be bestman. Real friends would have let me just say NO.

So as you can see I for one am looking forward to some peace and quiet as they go off on their honeymoon. But you know its funny how history tends to repeats itself.… 27 years ago Jennie's parents were putting her to sleep with a dummy, and now it's happening all over again! Though Jennie now has more insight into what James means when he approaches his patients and says “just a little prick”. I was also informed by one of James's friends that he was the only man ever to go to Australia with a box of condoms and return with more than he took.

But to be serious for one moment. I have not had the greatest last 14 months but with the help of two people who have are the kindest, most understanding and most generous people I have ever met, I've made it through. They picked me up when I was down, made me laugh when I wanted to cry. In fact if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here today at all, let alone giving this speech. I count myself as having the greatest two friends a person could ever have and now they are married to each other.

Before I propose a toast I would like to read out some cards:

Dear James and Jennie. May your love for each other be as bountiful as the amount we've made out of Ryan, thanks for all the DIY. The Chartered Society of Physiotherapy.

To James. Congratulations and thanks for letting Ryan drive your car. SG Petch Mazda, Durham.

Dear Jennie. Congratulations on your wedding. And thanks for introducing Ryan to G&T. The Gin & Vodka Association.

Now it gives me great pleasure…not to mention relief….to invite you all to charge your glasses and be upstanding as we toast the new couple Dr & Mrs Winnard.