Speech by Ryan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ryan
Speech Date: 22/08/2011 16:56:34

Good evening ladies and gentlemen

Let me start by saying that it's great to be involved on the happiest day of Stuart's life, as he was involved in mine. That's right, he was there, stood by my side, when I took delivery of my 50” flat screen TV.

When Stuart was made they broke the mould.  Unfortunately for Heather a lot of the mould grew back.  Now Stuart is notoriously tight with money but in recent years I thought he was becoming more relaxed about it,……………… until he told me he had convinced Heather to get married in a cow shed.

Can I say what a radiant and beautiful bride Heather is today, I have known Heather for many years now, and from the moment I first met her I knew she was the one for Stuart, ……………………..she seemed at ease with his uncontrollable hair,  his whiter than white skin that consequently got him nicknamed “the mole” and his uncanny knack of never quite finding the bathroom on time.

I notice Heather you have put Stuart is in a kilt for today, is that because he no longer wears the trousers in the relationship?

Today I would like to hold a trial for Stuart to see if he is truly worthy of being the husband of a bride as lovely and fair as Heather. From this point on Stuart will be known as the defendant and I will be his defence (put on wig) Heather, like in all marriages will be the judge, jury and executioner.

Now I couldn't find a judges gavel for you heather but………..

Give Heather a rolling pin

Your Honour First I would like to prove that the defendant will be a willing and submissive husband, a good boy that will always do as he is told so I'd like to present to the court: (Exhibit A – picture of me hitting him with a branch) This was a holiday in Oban . As you can see I always knew how to keep Stuart in line and he was always very submissive. Heather, just in case he ever does get out of line……….

Give Heather branch

I would like to also prove to this court that the defendant has the patience of a saint and tries to reach realistic goals in his life. During a lads holiday to Tenerife Stuart promised us he could drink Tenerife dry. On the second night around 7 o'clock Stuart probably thought he had achieved this but only because he could no longer see the bar. Shortly after he passed out at the bar and some friendly locals decided to decorate him (Reveal Exhibit B – picture of him in Tenerife) One of the kind friends that went with Stuart on this holiday posted this photo to a national lads magazine called front and got it published in an article called mate in a state.

Can I present to the court:

(Exhibit c – Front Magazine) 

The prize for getting your picture published was an electric razor.

Stuart has always wanted to know which one out of the three of us did this to him. He also wants to know which one torments him by ringing him up every so often and buzzing the razor down the phone: this has gone on for the last 10 years!!  (Exhibit D- play sound clip of phone call.)

Can I ask you stuart to please take the witness box I'd like to finally put an end to this, to let Stuart and Heather begin their married life in peace and to give the culprit the chance to own up now.  As I know it wasn't me it only leaves Peter  or Richard to own up.   (Get jj then stubs mum, then heathers dad, then lily then member of waiting staff then heather to turn on razor and then give it back to Stuart) Therefore judge heather I would like to present to you my closing statement:

We have seen and heard today some of the attributes of the man that is Stuart Lamont. He has been one of my best friends for as long as I can remember and has so many special qualities. Like his ability to carry his last seven years receipts in his wallet. Or his way with money in general..I guarantee all those razors will be on ebay by this time tomorrow. But joking aside he is a great guy. Do you, Heather find the defendant guilty or not guilty of being great husband material?  I sentence you both to a long and happy marriage. May your joy be everlasting and your only pain be champagne.

If you would all be upstanding – I would like to RAZOR a toast – to Front magazine!  And of course to the bride and groom!   8 x razors