Speech by S. Affleck

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: S. Affleck
Speech Date: 15/08/2011 15:58:12

It is said that marriage is an institution……………..which is just as well as that's where Dan belongs!

Before I begin I would like to take the opportunity to thank Dan for asking me to be his best man, standing here right now I feel proud and honoured to support Dan on this – the most important day of his life – so thank you for giving me this pleasure……… hopefully you wont be regretting it in ten minutes.

It is almost 6 years ago that Daniel was my best man so my first thought was that I could start my speech the same way he did……but then not everyone can drink 2 pints of lager in 30 seconds

As is customary, for those of you who haven't already drunk all your champagne already, I would ask you to join me in a toast for the bridesmaids and flower girls, I am sure you will all agree they all look beautiful – ”The Bridesmaids’

I'm also impressed that Daniel managed to find 3 of his friends who could stay sober long enough to be Ushers and I'm sure you'll all agree they did an amazing job …… of helping people find a seat in the church……Congratulations.

However I think everyone we all agree the real star of the show is Lisa who looks absolutely sensational. Daniel you are a very lucky man, Lisa..… Um.… All I can say is good luck.

When it came to writing this speech I was concerned about where I would find the time to be able to put all my thoughts down on paper, but I needn't have worried, the underground came to my rescue, day after day I was imprisoned on there in sweltering heat enduring endless delays, passenger alarms, staff shortages and signal failures so I was able to give it plenty of thought. So for those of who work for the underground.… Thank you.

Speaking of the underground brings me on to the Northern line Love Tunnels where Dan and Lisa first met, I did a bit of digging and found some research from 2008 that discovered that tube users claimed to see on average 4 ‘fancible’ people a day, and more telling that the nothern line had the sexist people on it, with, and I quote, ‘their spiky haired indie kids’ and ‘hot city types’, so I suppose it begs the question how Lisa missed all these men.… Also apparently one in a hundred people actual marry someone they met on the tube, so all that hanging around for these two obviously paid off.

I admit that a couple of years ago I didn't think that we would be here today witnessing Dan tying the knot, in fact only a couple of days ago his mum was still tying his shoelaces.

However it is tremendous for us to see Daniel and Lisa here today and to see how happy they both are and how obvious it is to see the love between them. On behalf of the Afflecks I would like to welcome Lisa to our family, since Lisa has come into Dan's life she has shown herself to be kind, loyal and generous and capable of getting through a bottle of red or two, but disappointingly despite what Dan might have told you she didn't have a pet elephant living at the bottom of her garden in Kenya.

I think it is fair to say Lisa has broadened Daniels mind, the best example for me being when they first starting dating. I asked Dan what they had been up to on a Friday night, imagine my surprise when he said they'd spent the night indoors playing scrabble, naturally I assumed it was a cover story for something else, but no it turns to be true, and at this point for those who haven't heard Dans gripping story about how he got a treble point score with the word Penguin I advise you to avoid mentioning it to him later.

I believe its traditional that the best man gets to tell a couple of stories about the grooms youth which he might not have shared with you. Given Daniels rather adventurous upbringing it was hard to narrow things down but I decided not to talk about the time he cried for hours when he lost his teddy – rucky – on the ferry only for it to turn up on his bed at home (after my dad had the ferry searched), or that he used to listen to a tape all year round that began, “hello Daniel this is father Christmas” or that every time he misbehaved as a child he used to rush out and buy my mum a little china ornament (she soon had a rather large collection) instead I thought I'd tell you about his eating habits when as a youngster Dan (or Danielmas as his mummy called him) was always very fussy about his food and often refused to eat his Sunday dinner, as a result he was regularly banished from the dinner table and made to sit at our tumble dryer to eat on his own. Pretty he started eating and everyone thought that was that, until several months later, when upon cleaning our bedroom my parents came across Dans cassette tapes – as they began to replace them into the cases they uncovered the truth, case after case was stuffed with half chewed meat.

Then there was the time when Richard, Daniel and I hired out a large pedal bike that could sit 3 of us across it – now I have never heard anyone question Dans intelligence, in fact thinking about it I have never heard anyone mention it – but I would of thought he would of seen the perils of sitting inbetween his older brothers with no control over the pedals or the steering, in hindsight I would imagine these perils probably became clear as we sped down a steep hill lost control and hurtled off the road, naturally both Richard and I leapt to safety just before the bike and Daniel smashed headfirst into a tree trunk, now you may think this may have knocked some sense into him but I have my doubts.

That Dan ended up working on the underground should of come to no surprise to those of us who have known him since his younger days, not just because he is always late, and that its always someone else fault but because as a child he was always into dressing up. For 5 years he was a teenage mutant turtle, (we had to call him Danielangelo). Then he thought he was a cross between karate kid and superman, so we always thought he would end up doing a job that needed a uniform, that said we didn't realise his first job on leaving school at Als adventure house would be as Al the Aligator. It was this love of dressing up that meant on his recent stag do he happily dressed (with a little persuasion Tony at times) in a couple of outfits, I wont spoil it for you as there will be a pictures on display this evening but as they say seeing is believing… But I did feel it was important that Dan kept from that weekend the one thing that made him feel complete, so here you are Dan [hand over wig].

On that note I would like to thank everyone who came to Berlin for Dans stag it was great to see so many of his friends there to send him off and it really was a memorable weekend – so much so that some people didn't even want to go home – Personally I will never forget what little I can remember of it but a couple of things are worthy of a mention. Barry. And not just the drinking, but also the worm which appeared everywhere we went and I have suspect maybe displayed later, the go karting track which was more like demolition derby and Tonys immortal words to Dan, ‘Suit up, I need you’ (again look out for the photos)

Of the hen do I have only been able to find out one bit of gossip and that is that Lisa has a secret crush on someone famous, like you I imagined the obvious stars, David Beckham, George Clooney Brad Pitt but no I gather the true object of her desires is none over than Ed Miliband.… But I think it best Lisa keeps that one to herself.

Looking forward as Dans brother I felt it was important on his wedding day that I pass on some advice.

Dan- firstly, – In marriage its really important to have an opinion, what is even more important is to keep it to yourself. Secondly, – Never go to bed angry, always stay up and fight and finally, – Whenever your wrong be a man and admit it, whenever your right just say nothing, as the saying goes, a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man, a man who gives in when he is right, is married.

On a personal note it is with great pride our family see Daniel sitting here today, although he hasn't always followed the most conventional route in life he has come through it to be the man he is today and for that he should be very proud, he is a great friend, brother, son, grandson and uncle and I'm sure he'll make a wonderful husband to Lisa and we all wish you both all the best in the coming years and hope you have a long and happy marriage.

Thank you all for your time and I hope you all enjoy the rest of the evening, I would just like to finish with a quote,

To love someone is nothingTo have someone love you is specialTo have the one you love, love you, is perfect

Ladies and Gentleman can I ask you all to be upstanding and to please raise your glasses for the Bride and Groom, Lisa and Daniel!