Speech by Sam D’Amato

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Sam D’Amato
Speech Date: nov 2003

Ladies and Gentleman, I have had such a fantastic day. I can't say that waiting for this has been a mental party, but I can hardly wait to hear what I might say about my dear brother.

Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best mans speeches which are littered with unsophisticated and quite frankly tiresome innuendos, I have a touch of class, so if anything gets a little risqué, I promise I'll whip it out immediately.

When Andy asked me if I would be his best man he was kind enough to give me a book on the role and I'd like to begin by reading him a quote from this book, because I thought it important we understand my situation here;

“Any Social speech should be looked upon as a tribute. The best man for instance, even though his offering may be littered with insults, is still paying his friend a great compliment. He has taken the trouble of preparing a few special words and has gathered up the necessary courage to deliver his speech. This, surely must rank as one of the most flattering wedding presents any person will ever receive.”

Not only should you remember how kind I am being as I am talking today Andy, I also want you to remember it when you are trying to find a wedding present from me!

My brother was born in 1973 weighing in at 8 pounds 2 ounces. Which looking at him here today, I'd guessed he's gained a few pounds.

1973 was actually the same year Picasso died, The Watergate affair kicked off, OPEC raised oil prices by 70% in protest of US support of Israel, the Yom Kippur war in the Middle East started and Salvador Allende died in a coup lead by General Pinochet. Throw in Andy as well and it wasn't really a great year at home or abroad.

In fact, the following year they decided it sensible to introduce family planning for the likes of families like ours who had suffered without it.

I say this because Andy was a bit of a mistake you see. Those who know our mum will know that she had been hoping for a Golden Retriever.

In answer to your question a while back though Nat; Yes you could probably get away with putting a collar on my brother.

Hearing of other speeches it occurred to me that most included the same insults on peoples looks, intelligence, personality and personal lives, but I can't do that to my own brother. You just have to look at him to know his problems are no laughing matter.

It would probably be fair to say that with regards to school and studying, Andy looked on the whole process as rather academic.

Technically he has been to college. My parents used to drop him off there all the time. The problem is though, that a curious lack of any sense of direction meant he came to believe that his lecture theatre was called ‘The Odeon Cinema’.

Many of you would have seen their suggestion of ‘cinema vouchers’ on the invite. This is testament to the value my brother continues to place on his education.

To this day I still wonder if my brother first fell in love with Nat when he realised her video collection was as immense as his own.

On a more serious note though, few of you may know that my brother didn't always have the easiest of times at School. Not because of his hideous appearance, but because of his dyslexia.

I'll forgive you for thinking that this shouldn't have been a problem if he spent the whole time at the cinema, but you are wrong.

Imagine what Andy believed films like Star Wars and The Return of the Jedi were about as he was sitting there trying to read the opening words disappear away from him into the galaxy…

I remember asking him what the film was about and he told me that the hero MUTE PIETALKER had become a RABI KNIFE. That he had found a robot policeman PC 3.0 and his friend RD 2.2, enlisted the help of MANS POLO to save his sister MINCE LAYERS and in the process killed NOBBA PET and a huge ABBA MUT, before returning BALEST TO THE MORSE by successfully converting his father the BATH TRADER back to the ALLEYS and away from his allegiance with the evil CREAM TEMPOROR and the forces of the PARK TIDE.

It wasn't easy on me, or other people living on our road either. Especially when we'd have pretend Star Wars fights and he'd come at me wielding a LIGHT NEIGHBOUR.

Little people on our road were terrified.

Don't get me wrong though. Andy's dyslexia has in no way held him back though. He laughs at it these days. Especially if you ask him to spell it.

But I am not here just to make fun of Andy on his big day. True that wouldn't bother me, but I also want to dance with his wife, I am under instructions from Alma to steal as much Loseley Ice Cream as I can and I intend to drink an offensive amount of champagne.

That leads me onto another key point that many of his kind friends have helped remind me about…Drinking.

In many ways I was sure he was a talented magician of sorts. He could walk down a road and just like that.… He'd turn into a pub.

It was about this time actually that Andy became a collector as well.
As it happens he didn't’ choose to collect stamps, he chose traffic cones, road signs, pint glasses, a post box and even a 5 ft pig… I tell a lie, the pig was my mothers acquisition.

That aside, it is true that he's quietened down a lot. But not that much. I know this because I've been round his house recently and it wasn't just Andy… even the cat was legless

I guess what I am saying is that while Andy has transmogrophied into a new being of late. Indeed the man before us looks presentable, handsome, charming and in the words of Wilde; An Ideal Husband. He hasn't always been that way.

True, he has always been a bit of a pretty boy. My mum used to argue with Heather Camp about who had the prettiest baby. And as he's grown up he could have had anyone he pleased really. The problem is, he just didn't seem to please anyone.

So I guess what I am saying is that Andy's teenage years were colourful. But, while my dad never could see the benefits of Andy's obsession with gangster rap music, when he was growing up as well, what he failed to notice was that Andy started to call me ‘his brother’ for the first time. Dad and Phil were even ‘Homey's’ for a while.

I also recall a time when Joe, their esteemed usher broke his foot while playing a totally respectable game of garden hoping with Andy and my brother took him all the way to hospital. What I wasn't going to add is that my brother did however pick Ben up on route and then made Joe sit in the car while the two of them went Go-Carting, but it was a start in the right direction.

The problem is you see, that while listening to Colin say so many nice words about Nat as a child, I began my speech thinking it only appropriate that I share with you how irritating Andy was.

Like any normal big brother, he has flicked my ear, made fun of me constantly, locked me in cupboards; gagged my mouth and cello taped me up so tight inside a sleeping bag, that I was stuck there for hours before I managed to wriggle to the top of the stairs, slid head first into one of our dogs and eventually was rescued by my parents who thought I'd been at a friends all afternoon. And he may have sat on my chest and played jungle animals, but…
He has always been there for me, he has always had a heart of gold and I wouldn't trade him for anything. Except maybe that golden retriever.

We have much in common Andy and I. He is a talented sportsman, devastatingly handsome, a wizard of wit, an optimist, ambitious (he used to fight against work like a tiger) and a friend you can believe and trust in.

Despite our similarities though, it occurred to me last night as I was with Andy, Ben and Joe, playing games and having a drink, that I can't imagine how my brother must feel today. How does the first day of the rest of your life manifest itself for a man whose experience of reality to this point, is that unpleasant pause while the Playstation loads the next game.

To Nat, you know you have all our love. Just being yourself was enough for that, but to have the ingredient; that is, to make my brother truly happy and in the process, make him a better person for it, I am both in awe and worry.
Don't ever try to claim we didn't warn you about Andy though Nat. You may have thought that my sister and my drunken and naked sleep walking antics were merely weird, but they were meant as warnings to you. Now it's too late though and all we can do is offer you our un-ending love and sympathy.

Andy, in Nat you have found a women who is great fun, kind, generous, beautiful, intelligent and confident.

Nat, you've found Andy.

I want to thank Andy on behalf of the Bridesmaids and Best Woman for his kind words though. I am sure we are all in agreement when I say the bridesmaids look stunning and have performed their duties today with enviable grace and good spirit. I even saw a touching scene between them earlier today, whereby they were having a fight over who should get to dance with the best man first. To the Bridesmaides…

Obviously my toasts are to focus on the most important people here today (look at Andy and Nat). The people we all feel a great love for and without whom today wouldn't be possible. At some time in the evening I am sure you will all take time to open your hearts to them and offer them your love and best wishes. So, would you please be upstanding as I propose a toast to….The Bar Staff.

As a man who'll drink to absolutely anything, I'd be grateful if you would all give me an excuse to raise my glass once again however, by joining me in one more toast to the Fastideous couple; Nats fast and Andy's hideous.

The new Mr & Mrs Wright Tomato

I now have the pleasure of reading a few telegrams from those that couldn't unfortunately make it today

The first is from your old football coach Andy; “We have found Andy to be totally useless in every position. I hope Natalie has more luck. Congratulations.”

On behalf of the bride and groom I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, especially those of you who have travelled long distances. And finally, on behalf of Andy, I'd also like to thank his brother Sam for his wonderful wedding present just now. Thank you