Speech by Sam Rigg

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Sam Rigg
Speech Date: 15/10/2012 14:50:45

Ladies and gentlemen,

You would not believe the journey from first draft to final version of my speech. It was much akin to man's journey from first date to marriage. I was really excited at the beginning; I tried hard to be quirky and spontaneous. In the middle I just went with the flow and took advice from others. By the end, it had brought me to my knees, I was flustered and all I wanted to do was to get it over and done with and then jet off on holiday with an attractive young lady.

Firstly, I wanted to thank you all for coming here today for this very special occasion. I would like to take this opportunity to say what a fantastic day it's been, a lovely ceremony and a special thanks to the bridesmaids for completing the day, you look bang tidy. Gemma, you look absolutely stunning. Congratulations to the both of you.

Thanks to Dunc and Gemma for letting me play such an integral part in their big day, it is such a privilege. I hope you agree that I look extremely dapper in my suit and I would like to congratulate Dunc for finding a hat big enough to fit on my gigantic noggin.  For those of you who have yet to meet me properly, I am best man Sam. I have known Duncan extremely well for around 8 years now and I have many an embarrassing story to tell about him. As I have been instructed to keep my speech short and sweet, please feel free to approach me throughout the night for more examples not mentioned now. Hopefully during the course of the night I will get the chance to meet you all properly anyway, probably later, whilst doing the YMCA on the dance floor.

I have been fretting for months as to what I should say in my best man's speech, what's appropriate and what isn't, what will make people laugh and what won't. I decided on one thing, none of that really matters, as long as it is original.

I wanted to show my gratitude to Dunc and Gemma by writing a speech unlike no speech I have ever heard before at a wedding, this is why I have decided that Dunc himself should be a little bit involved in my speech…Duncan…Whilst I continue, I want you to think of a colour, any colour that you think could be of significance to this speech.

I have heard stories of people copying speeches from Internet sites that made people laugh and made people cry, but I genuinely thought people would appreciate me making a real effort. I have used the Internet for inspiration but I was determined I would absolutely, categorically, resolutely, not copy anything word for word.

So…here goes

I first met Duncan Frederick Edmunds here back in 1965 [we are both only 26] whilst riding a camel through the Andes, we hit it off straight away and soon became involved in conversation, talking about his career in the army and my career in the circus…oh erm…whooops…Sorry…I erm…appear to have left some of my research notes in here by mistake…

[TURN PAGE OVER…Pause…then upside down]

Stupid printer!

Just to ensure you understand some of the humour in this speech, I would like to tell you about an incident that Dunc has never lived down, even to this day it still makes me smile every time I think about it and it is an opportunity to take the mickey that never goes unfulfilled.

Back in our teenage days we were all passionate about boy racer cars. We were typical teenage boys who went weak at the knees at the mere mention of a car that could do a sub 7 second 0-60 time.

Once upon a time a particularly excitable young Dunc was describing to us in much detail, a car that he had seen on his travels that day. The car in question was, one of our all time favourites, the Peugeot 106 GTI. Dunc had the whole group transfixed by his vivid storytelling and his intricate descriptions of the wheels and bodywork. There was however, one particular detail in this story he seemed even more excited about than the rest, the colour. So excited in fact, that in the space of the couple of minutes description, he must have told us it was yellow at least 7 times!!

So excited was he about this fact that he didn't realise what he was doing until when I turned to him and asked him at the end “what colour was it Dunc?”

Just for the audience, what colour was the car Duncan? [Yellow]

Strange really to think Dunc could have a group of lads transfixed by his stories, as his public speaking leaves a lot to be desired. I stand here, safe in the knowledge that no matter how inarticulate I can be at times, I can take some satisfaction out of knowing that Dunc has just done his speech and so in comparison I am going to seem like one of the greatest public speakers of all time, perhaps like some kind of white Barack Obama.

Here's a story I heard about Dunc's wonderful public speaking skills, courtesy of a member of the school hockey squad that Dunc captained.  As captain, it was Dunc's duty to make a speech at the end of season do. On the eve of the do, Dunc contacted our good friend Joe to ask what he should say, not for help on developing the current content, he literally hadn't written a single word!! Joe spent hours that night writing the speech for Dunc, ensuring it flowed well and included all the pivotal moments of the season and congratulated the team as required etc. On the day of the speech, Dunc stood at the front of the hall with his nose 10 cm away from the speech cards [DO IMPRESSION], not making eye contact with anyone other than the font on the paper. So good was his performance that apparently nobody in the audience realised when he had finished, leading to an awkward moment where the teacher had to jump in to begin the applause. So here I stand, safe in the knowledge that, as they say, things can only get better!!!

My first lasting memory of Dunc from school is from a paintballing trip in the sixth form, me and Si were on the opposing team, sticking together to annihilate the enemy, swooping through the trees like eagles scouring the land for their prey. Mid swoop, we encountered a certain Mr Edmunds lying on the floor clutching his leg next to a marshal. As opponents, we both simply pointed and laughed at this weakling and soldiered on, figuring he had been hit by a paintball from one of our deadly barrels. Just out of interest Duncan, can you guess the colour of the paintballs me and Si were firing that day? [Yellow]

A week or so later, Dunc was wheeled into the exam room with a broken leg, I felt rather guilty for mocking him!!

Since then we have forged a fantastic relationship, one that blossomed from our fiercely competitive sniper battles on a shooting game on the Xbox, battles which might I add, I always won.

Duncan, can you guess the colour of the fire that used to come out of the end of the guns on that game? [Yellow]

Over the years we have discovered Dunc has a rather unique ability, which I shall name Dunc's syndrome. This is the ability to listen to information, digest it and then 10 minutes later decide to regurgitate it. This doesn't sound too special…however…

During the processing of the information, Dunc's brain often decides to ignore the fact it has just been mentioned and to instruct him to blurt something out that suggests it is somehow original. Me, Dunc, Gemma and Martyn were once watching a documentary on a person who has been married like 12 times, we watched the opening sequence and began discussing how someone could do that, I mean 12 times?! Dunc decided on his contribution around 10 minutes later, which was “haven't they been married like 12 times or something?”

Duncan, can you guess the colour of the jumper the man from that program was wearing that day?  

No…red…stupid boy

Furthermore…

Dunc is a bel [Dunc thinks I am going to call him a ******* like in the Ali G film] ting lad, he is one of the most caring, generous, thoughtful and loyal people I know.  I have no doubt in my mind that he will always be there for me, just a phone call away. We have, in 8 years of friendship, never had a fall out as it is Dunc's nature to get on with everyone and anyone. Dunc is definitely one of the soundest, most genuine guys I know, this is probably why he is the first of us to get married. I'd like to wish him and Gemma all the best for the future.

Gostaria de propor um brinde ao Sr.e Sra. Edmunds [propose a toast in Portuguese, for his mum's side of the family]