Speech by Scott Carslaw

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Scott Carslaw
Speech Date: Jul2005
Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen. I would first like to thank you all for coming today and helping to make Alan and Donna's wedding such a memorable and special occasion. Personally, I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my job a lot less nerve wracking.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Scott, Also known as ‘Scott, can I buy you a drink’. Please feel free to come up and talk to me later on, I'll be around the bar area.

I must inform you that I've had quite a heavy night and I'm still feeling a little fragile. So please spare a thought and try not to clap too loudly during my speech because I've got a dreadful hangover and a splitting headache. You'd think I'd know better than to be out drinking in the early hours of the morning the night before a big wedding – but Alan's a good friend and he needed some company.

I've known Alan for many years and in some ways you could say I've been like a father figure to him. I watched him drink from a bottle, I watched him stagger around naked, I watched him crawl, I've dressed and undressed him, cleaned up after him and that was only last night!

I don't know if Alan was nervous this morning, but I found one of these in the toilet [PRODUCE BRICK]

After that I was talking to Alan about what he wanted from his marriage, and he said: ‘Well, I want to be a model husband. I want to be a model citizen.’ And he added, with a large grin, that he also wanted to be a model lover. Being the naive guy that I am, I looked up ‘model’ in the dictionary, and to my surprise found it to be ‘a small, miniature replica of the real thing’. Good luck Donna

I have been asked to thank everyone on behalf of Alan and Donna for the wedding presents you've so generously donated. For a wedding gift I wanted to give Alan something he genuinely needed, but it's such a struggle figuring out how to wrap up a bath.

“I was running that joke in for another best man. I'll tell him to bin it.”

I would also like to thank the Brides Maids for firstly performing their role so gracefully, and for looking fantastic throughout the day. I'd also like to congratulate them for doing such a great job in making sure that Donna went against her better judgement and didn't change her mind.

Before the ceremony I overheard all the Brides Maids having a furious argument about who was going to be first to dance with the best man. Understandable, I thought – until I got closer and heard them saying, ‘You!’, ‘no, you!’.

Let me just say what a wonderful ceremony it was. Being Scottish, I had insisted that we both wore kilts today. It did take a lot of persuasion as Alan was very keen to wear a suit. Because of course even Alan knows Donna will be wearing the trousers as of tomorrow.

Life hasn't always been a bed of roses for Alan and Donna. Although you might think butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, he's had to do a fair bit of apologising to get where he is today. On their first date Alan got so drunk that, at the end of the night, he gave £20 to Donna and his phone number to the taxi driver.

Which of course brings me to the bride

I am sure you will all agree Donna is as always looking stunning & wonderful today.

Very soon after announcing their engagement, Donna proudly proclaimed to Alan that when they were married she wanted to make love every night of the week. Alan was delighted at this prospect, and said straight away: ‘Well, you can pencil me in for Monday, Wednesday and Friday?’

She's had a hard week leading up to the wedding, not many people know this but she actually had her credit card stolen on Monday. However Alan is not reporting it to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than Donna!

Earlier this morning I had a little chat with Donna about marriage and how her life is going to change. I spoke about the hours in front of the kitchen sink, the washing of socks, unpaid secretary, social organiser, babysitter, cook, etc. No need to thank me now Alan, but for the first couple of months Donna said she'd be willing to help you out.

If I may, I'll offer some final pieces of advice to each of you:

Firstly to Donna –
1) Don't forget Donna a man is like a tiled floor, lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it.
2) However I don't feel I can stand up here and commit you to married bliss without offering you this one crucial piece of guidance for the years ahead – the remote control is Alan's, and Alan's alone!

And Secondly to Alan –
1) Don't forget to utter those 3 little word's as often as possible…………………… “you're right dear”

2) And finally,the best way to remember your anniversary is of course……………….… “to forget it..ONCE!”

Cards:

1) From Big Jim McLaughlin who used to play football with Alan

Good luck we found Alan to be useless in every position. Hope Donna has more luck. Congratulations!’

2) Why have you not returned my phone calls? …………..…

That one is signed John the taxi driver.

So, ladies and gentlemen, it really has been an honour and a pleasure being Alan's best man, but today I am the best man in title only. It's Alan and Donna's day and I wish them all the happiness in the world for this new chapter in their lives.

Please be upstanding…….and raise your glasses.…

Join me in a toast…to the happy couple Alan and Donna – The Bride and Groom……..