Speech by Scott Cavanagh

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Scott Cavanagh
Speech Date: feb 2003
For those of you who don't know me, my names Scott and I'm the best man.
I would like to start by thanking everyone on behalf of the bride and groom for being here and sharing their special day. Personally I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my day less nerve wracking.
Not the first time today I've got up from a warm seat holding a piece of paper (pause then laughter).
Being my first public speech and all In preparation for today I was rather worried about how long the speech should be so, I asked a wise old man how long it should last for. He told me that it should last for about as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So with that, Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you very much!!!
As you can tell, I am nervous speaking in front of you all today. I thought I might forget my lines, so I was just going to do the usual stuff ……..like when Jon was a baby he was so ugly that his mother used to tie a bone around his neck so that the dog would play with him, ….… or about all the bananas his father got offered when he took him out, but I am not going to do any of that stuff because it is degrading, and it's just having fun at Jon's expense, ..… and to be honest we have all been doing that for years.

Jon, congratulations on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be difficult to follow one of your speeches, and I was right. I couldn't follow a bloody word
Being the good friend that he is Jon sent me a list of tips for the best man. Yeah thanks Jon, you obviously didn't read it yourself. I got as far as page 2 and I quote… " Maintaining a clear head during the wedding celebrations is vital for the Bestman. You should remain sober. " (Throw book away).
Of course, they say that the best man's speech is the groom's worst five minutes of the day. The bride's worst five minutes of the day, however, come later on tonight………
Anyway, having never been a Best Man before I was a little perplexed and wondered how I was going to go about it – my girlfriend .… suggested to go on the internet and ‘Ask Jeeves’ – so I did, and I was bombarded with a wealth of information – there were several articles there and there was a list of ‘Best Man's duties’. I read these with great interest and one sentence really grabbed my attention – it read “ENSURE THAT THE GROOM'S FACE AND HAIR ARE IN ORDER.” Well Jon, I have to say that if nature didn't get them in order the first time around what chance do I have??
The marriage ceremony earlier contained the phrase “for better or for worse” and this is appropriate because Jon couldn't do any better and Gill couldn't do any worse. Gills Dad, Ian, is actually suffering from a bit of déjà vu today, as about 25 years ago he also sent Gill off to bed with a dummy.
It's worth noting that John is the first of our close group of friends to take the plunge and walk down the aisle. And as I will be doing the same next year, I think it important that each and every one of the really embarrassing stories are kept out of the speeches Did you hear that John, I said EV-ER-Y ONE OF THE REALLY EMBARRASSING STORIES WILL BE LEFT OUT OF THE SPEECH – that's a tenner you owe me.

Anyway, I thought it would be appropriate for me to give those people who don't know Jon, a little bit of background about him.
Jon was born, went to school, met Gill, got a job and got married – right onto those stories
Jon and I go back some 17 years now, and during this time we've become very good friends and its an honour to be his Best Man today. He's certainly kept us amused over the years. It shouldn't be too difficult to find some stories about Jon, after all, he drove a Skoda for two years, that on its own would be enough to slaughter most people with!
Jon, honestly, I'm NOT here to embarrass you, mate. You did a fine job of that yourself on the stag night. I was a bit concerned that after you had made your cross-dressing tendencies public, Gill might have had some competition today, but given the formal nature of this occasion I am pleased to see you've decided to copy my outfit, rather than hers.
In time-honoured tradition and as my duty as Jon's best man it was my job to organise the stag night. I decided to organise a weekend away in the lovely city of Birmingham, well it seemed a good idea at the time. I have to say though, the weekend passed away fairly uneventfully really.. its amazing what I will say for 50quid!!! Isn't it Jon! What we did find out about Jon though is that has a special interest in Long haired tattooed bikers and also Travel Lodge receptionists!!!! I don't really want to say anymore on that subject, I think probably better left for Jon to explain to Gill in more detail later on!!
Now onto Gill. When writing this speech I actually got a bit of writer's block at this stage. In desperation I reached for Roget's Thesaurus and looked up the word "lovely". There I found four words that describe Gill perfectly – beautiful, charming, delightful and enchanting.
Gill, on behalf of everyone here, I must say you look absolutely stunning today. You're a wonderful girl who deserves a great husband. A husband who will care for you and look after you for the rest of your life. Jon, well done for tricking her down the aisle before she found one.
When doing some research I came across some good indicators for how married life will progress for the two of you. Gill, remember, men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to jump on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have a romantic meal with.
On the other hand Jon, women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.
As I said before, it is traditionally the best man's role to embarrass the groom on his wedding day. I've tried not to do so too much, if I have, John, I'm sorry. With all the stories I received from your friends, ranging from the merely silly to the frankly shocking, I think I've managed to save your blushes (and maybe even your marriage, mate!!). After all this is a family wedding and who really wants to hear about your REAL past??? For those who ARE interested, as I said earlier, I'm Scott, I'll be at the bar, and the bidding starts at one lager.
When John and Gill got together, we all knew they had something special, and that this day was only a matter of time in coming. So to both of you, from me, you make a wonderful couple, and I know you're going to be very happy together. Gill, if there was ever going to be one person to bring Jon in to line, I'm glad it was you. We've all had some great times as single lads, but I don't think Jon has ever been happier than when he's been with you. Jon, again, well done mate, you have a wonderful wife, which is no more than you deserve. Now just get that car swapped for a nice family saloon.
I'd just like to say that there are 2 people, who today, we have all taken into our hearts, who mean so much to us and without them this day would not have been the success that it has and will be. Ladies and Gentlemen please raise your glasses and join me in a toast TO… [Pause] the bar staff!
In all seriousness though, my final words are to you Jon & Gill. I am very proud to be best man here today and I'm so pleased that Jon has found such a wonderful and loving wife. I have no doubt that your love will be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.
Ladies and Gentlemen, can I please ask you to stand and join me in a toast to Jon & Gill