Speech by Scott Crosby

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Scott Crosby
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Well that's not the first time today I've stood from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

About a year ago, When Paul first asked me to be his best man, I told him straight "No Way".
He offered me ten pounds.
I told him I couldn't be bought.
He offered me twenty pounds.
I said, " Do you really think I'm cheap?"
He offered me thirty pounds.
So good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, My name is Scott and I am the Best Man.

Firstly On behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd just like to thank Paul for his kind words. And I might just add that his thanks are fully justified because they have done an incredible job and look absolutely stunning

One thing I've noticed sitting here is Jo's dad and Paul have something in common today.

It's the first time Jo's dad has been able to speak for more than five minutes without interruption from the women in his family.

And the last time in 25 years that Paul gets to do the same.

I did make time to read a Best Man's Duties book prior to today and it said as one of my duties "Give speech to Bride and Groom".

Now in all honesty I thought it meant just the bride and groom with the 3 of us maybe having a nice cup of tea etc. But looking round to see that so many people have turned up only makes me realise the lengths people will go to for a free meal

Don't feel you've spoilt things for the three of us.

Actually Also during my research into weddings in general I looked into the 3 key elements of the Wedding ceremony and I think that they can be summarised as follows:
· The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take.
· The Altar – the place where 2 become 1.
· The Hymn – the celebration of the marriage.
I think Jo must also have read the same book that as I was looking at because as she came up the aisle today, I'm sure I heard her whispering "Aisle Altar Hymn, Aisle Altar Hymn".

Another duty it said "was to make sure the Groom was tucked up safely in bed by 10pm on his stag do". Now this I did manage. And as most of you know we went to Tenerife for the Stag do, and the clubs in Tenerife don't open until 2 in the morning, so we always made sure he was awake again by midnight ready to go out for a night on the drink.

There was one night on the stag do after about three nights on the trot drinking that I said I'd stay at the hotel as my liver was ready to get up and walk out. Paul turned to me and said, "Scott, tonight could be the night you'll meet the woman of your dreams", but between you and me I wouldn't really want to be seen in public with some of the women in my dreams.

Now it is tradition to tell a few tales about the stag do but I couldn't really think of any more, unless I included the one about the one legged stripper with the glass eye.

Anyway better leave it there with stag stories, should I ever ask Paul to return the favour I'd better choose my stories carefully.

I first knew Paul through our days at Shoebury School, although not that well. I just remember him as the tall one with the dodgy perm and glasses.

Our paths crossed a few years after school when we both worked at GA in Southend, where his nickname was God, which I never worked out until someone told me its because he's rarely seen and when he does work it's a bloody miracle.

I think we spent close to 4 years working with each other, and this is where I dropped myself in the frame as a potential best man, as we became good mates. Paul was already with Jo at this point, and I often sought advice on relationship matters of my own thinking he must now how women think, after all he seems settled with Jo. Although several Girlfriends later, and still single, I've decided not to take up his advice any more.

We also share a great love of football, and after a few years off from playing, Paul asked me to join his Saturday team, LTC. Paul had a brief but unsuccessful spell as manager, and asked me to take over. My first season was slightly better than Pauls attempt, but I have found Paul to be useless in every position – I just hope Jo has more luck.

Well I feel at this point, that it's my duty to return all those years of relationship advice from Paul, and let him know some tips on how to have a successful and lifelong marriage and Paul will be pleased to know that a successful marriage can be compared to football,… and that is to Be fully committed every week and make sure you score every Saturday.

However, playing away from home could result in a serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way onto the transfer list.

Although Paul and Jo will without doubt enjoy many happy times in the years to follow, there will be moments of disagreement. My advice for this is Never go to bed on a bad word,..… discuss your problems ……and above all always make sure the last word said is sorry – and those who know Jo will all know how she likes to get the last word.

I do have a few cards I'd like to read on behalf of people who couldn't attend.

(Read cards)

And finally one from Oscar the gay Security Guard from the apartments, Tenerife "good luck sweetcheeks. I'll never forget you"

Thanks very much for listening Ladies and Gents, and thanks to Paul for choosing me, Its been an honour to be Best Man, I personally have had an excellent day so far, I hope you all have too. Please join me in raising your glasses as I toast the happy couple, Paul & Jo, may your wedding night be like a kitchen table…all legs and no draws?