Speech by Scott Murphy

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Scott Murphy
Speech Date: 27/07/2015 02:07:24

Good afternoon everybody. For those of you that don't know me, my name is Scott and I have the honour of being the best man today. For those of you that do know me.… Well I can only apologise.

Firstly, on behalf of everyone here I would like to say congratulations to the happy couple Martyn and Jordan on their special day.… and also thank them for making us travel over 1300 miles just to witness it.

Now I'm sure you will all agree that the barmaids look fantastic today… Sorry I meant the bridesmaids. The bridesmaids look fantastic and they have done a wonderful job today. They are outshone only by the bride herself Jordan, who I must say looks absolutely stunning.

I would also like to give a special mention to the Ushers who had the extremely difficult job of directing people to their seats. Well done lads you absolutely nailed it.

Now before I continue I'd like to lay down a couple of ground rules. Firstly, no heckling please. Secondly, I spoke to the manager earlier and he requested that for health and safety reasons no one is to get up on the tables and chairs during my standing ovation.

All I can say is I hope I do better at making this speech than I did at organising the stag do. For those of you that don't know I decided to organise a nice weekend away to Wroclaw in Poland. It was the cheapest destination I could find but nobody had really heard of it and we soon found out why.  The apartments were in the middle of what can only be described as a ghetto and were severely lacking in cleanliness as Martyn will tell you. He picked a towel out to go for a shower one of the evenings only to discover the most disgusting smell when he went to dry himself. Unfortunately for him it looked like one of the previous guests had mistaken the towel for toilet paper… an easy mistake to make. The locals were also pretty hostile towards us which we didn't expect… Let's just say I'm glad we all made it home in one piece… well just about. Having said all that it was a £1 a pint so we're heading back in September!

I've known Martyn since primary school although we never really became good mates until Third year in school. Our friendship blossomed during standard grade French, as you can imagine not much work was done in that class. In fact we spent most of the year trying to think of imaginative ways to cheat on our written tests. After many failed attempts and some stern warnings from our French teacher Miss Chihocki we admitted failure and came to the conclusion that French wasn't for us.

A lot of the stories after this involve alcohol and most of it is a bit hazy if I'm being honest. However I do remember our first boys’ holiday to Malia in Greece 10 years ago. As you can imagine there was a lot of drink involved and a lot of stories that I am unable to share with you today. I do remember one of the days Martyn approaching me after a day at the pool looking like he had just suffered third degree burns to the face. He obviously had one too many beers and forgot what sun tan lotion was. By the evening he actually had blisters on his face which did make me feel kind of bad for him… kind of. That evening though he soldiered on like he always does and came out with the boys for a night on the sauce. I will never forget the sight of him that night though dancing about this club with his best gear on, trying to look cool… with green puss running down his chin.

Our drinking antics continued even after we were too old for the boys’ holidays, but we had to settle for going to the Shed on a Saturday night. Speaking of the Shed this is where Martyn first met the lovely Jordan. I wasn't there that evening but I'm led to believe that Jordan was a third wheel and was looking rather sad at the bar when Martyn decided to make his move and work his charm. And when I say work his charm, I mean he bought her enough Sambuca to make even him look like a decent catch by the end of the night… which must have taken a fair few.

For those of you who were expecting more outrageous stories about Martyn's past, I can only apologise. The truth is I was with him for most of them and I wouldn't want to ruin my impeccable reputation.

So here we are, Martyn and Jordan are married, for better or worse. Which is quite appropriate really, because Martyn couldn't have done any better and Jordan couldn't have done any worse.

All joking aside Martyn and Jordan have recently bought their first house and I know they are very much looking forward to moving in and starting their new life together. Martyn did mention to me that he is quite keen to try his hand at some DIY, well at least that's what I thought he meant when he said he was looking forward to moving in and getting down to some serious banging and screwing.

On a more serious note, Martyn, we have had some excellent times together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You have been more like a brother to me over the years and it's been a real privilege to be your best man today… so thank you.

I know how much Jordan means to him and that he will always be there for her. I know he will make a great husband and I'm sure they will be extremely happy for many more years to come.

And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, could I ask you to stand with me, and raise your glasses in a toast to Martyn and Jordan, the new Mr & Mrs Callaghan.

We wish you well for the future.

To Martyn and Jordan.