Speech by Scott Wright

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Scott Wright
Speech Date: aug 2002
THE SPEECH

Scott – My name is Scott and I'm an alcoholic…..PAUSE and look around .…
Ack – Scott that's for next Tuesdays AA meeting
Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen.
A wise man once told me that a Best mans speech should only last as long as it takes the groom to make love……
So, thank you and good afternoon. (Both sit down)
Rest assured though, unlike most traditional speeches, a touch are full of sexual innuendo. I've promised Doug and Louise that if there is anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately……….…
On behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank everybody for coming – I'm sure you'll all agree that this is turning out to be a brilliant wedding celebration. I must say it has been a wonderful day and a very emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers.
Before we carry on into the speech I think we should have some audience participation, so can all help me out a little.. Will you do that? Sorry didn't hear you, a little bit louder please.. (Wait for audience response).
Good. First, can you all just shift up to the end of your seat please?
Next, this left side all shouts a big Ooh.
And finally nice and loud, the right side says Arrhh
I told Doug and Louise that I would be making a speech that would have everybody ooohing and aaaahing, so there you have it.
To aid this speech, we referred to the internet, that glorious source of information if you know how to use it, because I bet there are some of you who still don't know how to use the VCR!!
Anyway, I looked on the internet for tips on how to do a Best Mans speech, and as you can probably tell I have not read it yet, apart from the 2nd page, and I quote, “it's best to avoid excess alcohol!” (throw book away and drink beer!)
However, I have read somewhere that the best way to calm your nerves during public speaking is to imagine that your entire audience is naked….…
(Both: – Long pause to scan audience, stopping briefly twice to grimace at one of the men and smile longingly at one of the ladies)
Nope! Sorry it's not working, but please bear with me!
I've come to the conclusion that a Best Man or in this case Best Men is just a fancy title for a nanny! As the Nannies, we've had to ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober and looking good. Well 2 out of 3 aint bad. After all, were Best Men, not bloody Plastic surgeons!!
Tradition has it that the best mans speech is designed to perform a complete character assassination and embarrass and humiliate the groom. But as Doug does this so well himself on a regular basis I thought I'd break from tradition and tell you all what a kind, caring and thoughtful man he is. After weeks of trying, and all I'd got was “Doug is a kind caring and thoughtful man”, I thought I'd revert back to plan A.

When Doug asked me to be his best man I've got to be honest I started to panic, what am I going to say, what can I say but Doug reassured me he said if I do a good job today I can be the best man at his next wedding.
Well anyway it's nice to be at a normal wedding for a change, I was at a wedding last week where two aerials got married. The wedding was awful but the reception was great.
Now for the part we have all been waiting for, Doug's character assassination; Well where do I start: – (Scott holds up picture from stag night!!)
Generally known as a work-a-holic and tinkering with his cars, the Beetle and the Bus. However, we all know the saying “work hard, play hard”
Well here are some examples of playing hard:-
Doug has a fetish for anything belonging to Cambridge City Council, especially road signs and traffic cones! Nothing is sacred to this chap. (reveal a few stolen items)
But it doesn't finish there; Building sites are not immune either! (Another stolen sign)
Now your probably wondering if I witnessed these events, the answer is yes, but let me explain Scott and I had nothing to do with it, we were the pawns in my brothers liberating excursions, and yes we were generally drunk!!!
Before I go on, I have a more serious announcement to make – South Brent Parish Council's Health and Safety executive contacted us today. They requested that you all refrain from jumping onto your chairs and tables during our standing ovation at the end of this speech. Thanks in advance for your co-operation.
You will be happy to know that we are coming to the end of our speech. So first of all I would like to thank everyone for turning up, especially the Bride and Groom! And it would not be a Best Mans speech without saying how stunning the Bride and Groom look, so I would ask you to charge your glasses,
TO DOUGLAS AND LOUISE
THANK YOU EVERYBODY; ENJOY THE REST OF THE DAY.