Speech by Sean Devaney

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Sean Devaney
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen.

As you can imagine, it is quite nerve racking making such an important speech on such an auspicious occasion, so I would be grateful if you would allow me a moment to compose myself.
(Down four large shots of Red Bull – Whisky look a like)
Slur drunkenly, right, I'm off for a kebab.

In preparing this speech, I was advised that it should take as long to deliver as it does for me to make love.
Thank You.
(Sit down)

Firstly, on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd just like to say how lovely Megan & Jasmine look and how good a job they are doing as the bridesmaids. On a personal note, I'd just like to say how beautiful Donna looked. (Rub legs in a pervy manner)

When I agreed to be Dave's best man, I was touched and honoured that he thought of me in such a way. I also believe that, deep down, he knew the other 38 people he asked would say no.

I was advised that it's traditional for the best man to go through the groom's character as part of his speech.
(Show several sheet of A4)
But then I was told that they must be his good points
(Rip up paper and pick up very small card)

You would think that after living with Dave for the time I did, I would have many, many tales.
I think I had, but most of them were forgotten when we sobered up. The ones that remain can not be repeated. But those that know Dave can imagine what they were like, I'm sure.

But since Dave met Donna on that singles night for the over 30’s, in the Pier, he's been a changed man. I knew they were meant for each other, when after months of living with Dave, I found myself homeless and destitute, Wednesday December 12th 1997.
But I'm not bitter.

One thing I will say, that now I no longer share a flat with Dave, my sanity is slowly returning and my night nervousness is going.

No longer do I wake up with a foreign object in my ear.
No longer do I sleep in till lunch on a workday
No longer do I wake up to see Dave asleep in the chair next to me, previous night's kebab in lap.
And no longer do I sleep with one eye open.

In his time, Dave has made various attempts at being a business entrepreneur.

First there was the motorcycle import business. A great success, (sorry Kieth, – private joke on wrong spelling-, I'm not having a go at you here.) Months of preparation resulted in their first………… and last, sale. A bike at cost to his brother Chris.

Then there was the Knights car recycling business.
Starting off with a bargain Audi from the auctions. I wasn't there but I've heard conflicting reports.
Dave's described a light front end smash which could be put straight for a small amount of money.
John and Grav's opinion was a complete front-end write off, which, if possible, would take thousands to put right, and if it was a horse, it would have been glue by now.
And concluding with the two door Peugeot, a nice little bargain. It's a pity the logbook claimed it had four doors.

And now, of course, it's Dave Knights, Great Coates Property Magnate.

And me, homeless at Xmas.

But you can also always rely on Dave to be there for his mates.

Skiing one year in Bulgaria, Dave saved his 3 pals money by telling them to not pay for ski school and that he would teach them for nothing.
Take 3 complete novice skiers to the top of a mountain.
Take 5 seconds to show them 3 basic moves, turn left, turn right and stop. (well sort of)
Point them towards the expert runs and bugger off.
Unbelievably, we all made it back to the UK without the help of an air ambulance (although Wanny tried his best to get home early.)

Then there was the time when Gravs crashed his bike miles from home. With the bike in a pretty sorry condition, and Gravs unable to ride anyway, for some reason we thought of phoning Dave for help.
Well, it proved to be the right choice as Dave promised to be there……… in 2 hours after the grand prix had finished.
(Although Dave actually did more damage to the bike getting it off the trailer than Gravs did in crashing it)

Now we go on to his fads

No. 1, Black silky trousers, the kind you see in German porn movies
No. 2, Roller blading with only speedos for protection, aged 33.
No. 3, The Internet, I recall many nights with Dave sat at a computer screen reaching out across the world to make new friends. (but why could he not do it dressed ?)
No.4, But all these pale into insignificance when compared to Dave's special weekend parties for liberal minded people. (Show large photo of Dave in drag at a costume party and point to several posted around the room) or Angie as he's called at Weekends.

Chucked out in December, even Scrooge would have shown some heart.

In conclusion, I'd just like to say that :-

In Donna, Dave's got someone who is attractive, intelligent, good company, charming, hard working, funny, good in bed (well, so Rach tells me.)
In Dave, Donna's got some-one who has just mastered eating with his mouth shut, sometimes.

And now for the cards.

One from Darren.
Dave, you never gave us a chance, remember our stolen hour in the palace buffet.

One from the P&M
Dave, now you are on the path to respectability, don't forget us.

One from my mum.
mmmmm..… Dave, I want a word with you later.

One from my dad.
Right, Dave I want a word with you now.

So it just remains for me to say:
Dave and Donna, it's been a privilege for me to have this role on your special day, and don't worry Dave, I'll make you pay on my wedding day.
So ladies and gentlemen, would you please charge your glasses and raise a toast to the happy couple, I give you Mr. and Mrs. Knights.

Look at watch and say, MM. x minutes, bang on.