Speech by Sean McNelis

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Sean McNelis
Speech Date: Jul 2004
Ladies and Gentlemen,

Firstly, I would like to also say that the bridesmaids look absolutely beautiful and also to thank them for doing a great job in making sure that Mary didn't change her mind at the last minute. I'd also like to say that Mary looks absolutely stunning and Denis looks absolutely stunned.

Denis has warned me to keep my speech short. I checked out a few books on Best Man speeches and right enough the advice was that a good speech is like a mini skirt – Long enough to cover the essentials and short enough to hold your interest.

For those of you who don't know me I am Denis’ brother Sean. When Denis asked me to be Best Man I was quite honoured that he had asked me, that was until it dawned on me that the reason he picked me was that he thought that, as his brother, I would be a safer option and wouldn't “dish much dirt”. So since then I've been on a mission to gather as much as possible and we'll come on to that later.

I must say that my role as best man is going better than expected today. I've so far managed to get him to the church on time, and that's unusual for Denis – both being on time and going to church in the first place. He also arrived sober, an achievement which shouldn't be underestimated given the performances in ‘Cul A Dun’ over the last week.

As you can see, my brother is very well turned out today, but if the truth be told Denis was quite an ugly baby. In fact my mother tells me that she didn't start having morning sickness until after he was born.

Denis is also very spoiled. I don't know if Mary really realises what she has let herself in for. He really has had it good living at home with our parents.

­ Getting up in the morning – Denis is now 31 years of age and yet every day when he gets up for work, sometimes very early to go off driving at 6 o'clock in the morning, my mother sets an alarm, gets out of bed goes in and wakes him……and he is expecting that to continue under the new regime.

­ Denis has all his meals cooked for him at home and he never does any shopping. I remember when I was in college in Galway, Denis and a few of the lads came down for the weekend. I was sharing a house with a group of lads from home and I must admit our flat was unbelievably dirty, a complete kip with dishes going unwashed for weeks. Anyway we had a big night out on the Saturday night and we woke up on the Sunday morning feeling a bit rough. I heard a knock on my bedroom door – it was Denis. He was standing there with a cereal bowl and a spoon in his hand. I'll never forget the look of disbelief on his face as he said to me “there's no milk”. He's spoiled all right!!

As some of you will know, Mary is not Denis’ first love. In 1998, he fell in love with a model from Japan – her name was Subaru Impretsu. I think its fair to say that his interest in cars has kept him very busy over the years. It has also managed to keep a large number of panel beaters, mechanics and local garages busy too.

Another one of the warnings Denis has given me regarding my speech is not to tell any stories about his ex girlfriends and I'll try not to. It is fair to say that Denis has always been one for the ladies, and I remember when Daddy taught him about the birds and bees aged 13. After that, he was going steady with a woodpecker for 5 years.

I decided to do a bit of research on the meaning of marriage and these are a few of the quotes I found which you may find interesting:

­ When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing – either the wife or the car is new.
­ Marriage is a thing that puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under a man's eyes.
­ When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
­ There was a man who once said that he never knew what happiness was until he got married – but by then it was too late to go back.
­ And remember, marriage is not just a word – it is a sentence, and you get less for murder.

And for Mary, a bit of advice in case Denis ever gets too big for his boots, remind him of these truths about husbands.

­ The man who says his wife can't take a joke forgets that she took him.
­ Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.
­ A man is like a tiled floor – lay it right the first time, and you can spend years walking all over it.

A bit of advice for Denis today, well

­ The honeymoon period you have coming up is the period between “I do” and “you'd better”
­ Treat Mary like a new car, go easy for the first 500, and remember to go easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last for many years.

All that's left is for me to wish the happy couple a long and fruitful marriage, and to propose a toast to the bride and groom. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses to Denis and Mary.