Speech by Seb Kerr

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Seb Kerr
Speech Date: Aug 2001
It was just over a year ago that Warren asked me to be his best man, and I understand from Beryl that Warren went through a long and rigorous selection process. He wanted someone who had these four qualities:

Loyal Well Ive certainly supported Woz most of the time, especially after a few beers!!
Trustworthy I know a lot of his secrets which I've kept hidden, until now
Reliable Well we both got here on time
And guaranteed not too dish any dirt on him Well (shrug) three out of four isn't bad.…

So in line with tradition, I would like to thank Warren on behalf of the bridesmaids and flowergirl for his kind words. They all look beautiful today and have only been outshone by Beryl, who truly looks stunning…Definitely one in a million.

And Warren, you look like you always do…..Won in a raffle!!

If you hadn't guessed already by the professional delivery of this speech, I've been a best man before. Trust me it doesn't get any easier, so I got hold of a copy of “How to be a best man” to brush up on the task ahead.

The book suggests on the weekend of the wedding, I must concentrate on four key tasks.

Task 1 Bring a cheque book or credit card for those payments the groom may have forgotten. No problems there, but I think Warren was banking on this a bit too much!

Task 2 On the night before the wedding make sure the groom is well looked after and gets a good nights sleep. I'm pleased to report Warren slept like a baby last night… He had about four hours sleep, woke every thirty minutes crying for his mum!

Task 3 Help the groom dress. You would have thought a man of 28 could accomplish this himself. Then again, maybe not!!

And finally,
Task 4 Make sure all of the grooms ex-girlfriends are kept at bay. One of my easier tasks, since the advent of foot and mouth!

Having successfully achieved all tasks, I'm now going to give you a history of Warrens life to date, and then we'll get onto the juicy stories about him.

Warren was born,. Went to school, became an engineer, met Beryl and got married. Right onto those stories.

Warrens never afraid to be different, with his unconventional dress sense, his love for Montegos, and grecian god hairstyles, Warren has always been a style guru!!

Warren has also had very specific requirements for his women. His childhood sweetheart was a strategically placed, three foot poster of Linda Lusardi getting out of a swimming pool!! With that in his room, I'm surprised I saw him at all before he was 17!!!

Then there was his love of Oriental women, which lead him on his greatest adventure of all, a world tour!! The plan was to interrail around Europe and then who knows. As Warren set off we weren't sure how long he'd be gone but we all expected a postcard with tales of far off lands.

However, in true British tourist style, Warren spent virtually three days solid on a train, until he arrived in Corfu and spent two weeks sunbathing, only to spend another three days on a train getting back!!!

Not quite the world tour he had planned, but this did spur on Warrens love of 18 – 30’s holidays, where he was affectionately known as Shirley!! It was on a holiday to Corfu that Warrens life took an exciting turn. One of the lads on the holiday met an Irish red head called Anne. Anne happened to be one of Beryl's best friends and months later introduced the two on a blind date.

Well I always knew it would take a blind women (sorry date!) to get Warren fixed up.

Desptie his incredible dress sense and outrageous hair, Beryl loved him all the same. Well they do say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and with Beryl's driving I've often wandered about her eyesight!!

I'm sure I'll be pushing my luck to get any more laughs, and all other embarrassing memories are locked firmly away, and will only be disclosed for a double vodka, so I would like to ask you all to stand and raise your glasses to the happy couple –

To Warren and Beryl