Speech by Shane G

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Shane G
Speech Date: Nov 2001
(Wait for welcome applause to die down)

Thank you… the last time I had a clap like that it took antibiotics to calm it down!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would just like to begin by thanking Craig, Alan and Alec on behalf of the bridesmaids for their kind words. I'm sure you all agree that Yvonne, Jaimie, April, Leanne and Jade look lovely today and have done a great job of taking care of Carol.

I would also like to thank you all for being here today to share in this very special occasion. As we have been eating our meal this afternoon, I have had time to look around the room at you all and have been struck by just how far people will travel for a free meal…

Seriously though, before I begin my traditional destruction of Craig's character, I would just like to say again how lovely Carol looks today…

(Turn to Craig)

Mate, you have found yourself an intelligent, attractive, caring and loving wife… Carol you have found… well you've just found him!

Anyway, for those of you who haven't yet bought me a drink, my name is Shane and I have been sentenced to be Craig's best man today. Now this is actually the first time I have done this (as you can probably tell from the speech), and it is true when they say that it's nerve racking… In fact I would go so far as to say that I feel about as comfortable as Osama Bin Laden in the Whitehouse!

I only feel slightly better knowing that I am not the only one in the room who is apprehensive… but then again she has just married Craig!

On the score of being nervous, I am sure that you have all heard Craig say over and over that he has not been at all nervous in the run up to today. Well, that all changed at about 9 o'clock this morning. I can tell you that when he made his speech a few moments ago, it wasn't the first time today he has stood from a warm seat with some paper in his hand!

I've known Craig for the best part of 23 years now and of course there are plenty of things I could tell you about what we were like as kids…

Unfortunately, I did consult my solicitor and he tells me that we could still face prosecution… so maybe not!

Now, Craig was born in the early part of 1973 and whilst I'm not saying that was an omen, events later that year included the oil crisis, the release of ‘The Exorcist’ and of course the introduction of VAT!

His mum was only saying last night that he was a pretty baby who was often mistaken for a girl… and that as a child he loved nothing more than sitting for hours staring blankly at the TV and playing with the little fellow… (Turn to Craig) No change there then mate!

At 5 years of age, Craig started at Morven park infants which is where our paths crossed for the first time. I remember at school he loved football and tried for the school team on every occasion… Unfortunately, he was found to be useless in every position (Turn to Carol)… Best of Luck then!

As I got to know him, I realised that here was a man who thrived on daredevil sports and laughed in the face of danger… I tell you in those days Craig with a Hula Hoop was a sight to behold!

As a kid he had a huge appetite for life, and this helped him become wise… Unfortunately, I just had a huge appetite and it only helped me to become Wide!

As we got older, we became inseparable, joined together with a bond too strong to break… And after that experience we never did sniff glue again!

At 11 years old, Craig started at big school. It was here that he got interested in Girls Clothes… (Look puzzled) Sorry, Girls AND clothes…

I'm pleased to say that his school reports stated that “he is an ideal pupil who is a light unto others” (Look puzzled again) Sorry, That actually reads “he was an idle pupil who set light to others”!

Fortunately, we made it through school with only a few minor blemishes along the way. Not least of which was when our Witch of an English teacher tried to ban us from taking our exams because she said we were cheating… Personally I don't see whats cheating about using someone else's work when it's better than your own but still…

When he left school, Craig joined the RAF and I'm sorry to say that for the following few years we all but lost touch apart from a two week holiday in Majorca. Now, I'm afraid I can't go into too much detail about that as my mum is here, but for those of you who are interested there is a video and DVD available at the bar later entitled “They don't love it up ‘em”!

Onto more recent times…

When Craig told me he was getting married I have to admit I was shocked. You see, I had already got to know Carol and had always thought she was quite intelligent…

But here they are married for better or for worse. Couldn't be more appropriate really as he couldn't have done any better and she couldn't have done much worse!

Now, as I mentioned earlier this is the first time I have been a best man and not really knowing my responsibilities I bought a book for some advice. It told me that I had 5 major duties

1. Make sure he gets a good nights sleep before the big day… Well, Im pleased to report that he slept like a baby… he woke up every two hours crying for his mum!
2. Look after the rings and get him to the wedding on time… Yep, managed that one
3. Make sure his flies are done up… Sorry mate but you're on your own with that one!
4. Keep any angry ex-girlfriends at bay.. Well, the recent foot and mouth crisis helped out on that score!
5. Organise a stag do

Unfortunately, as Craig and Carol seem to do things with virtually no warning (as those of you who know Jade will testify), I didn't have time to arrange the tradition weekend in Amsterdam.

I did, however, manage to book a few of us into a little restaurant I know where we had a pleasant hour or two and a small sherry to wish him luck!

(Turn to Craig and take Tenner from him)

Now for those of you who don't know, Craig and Carol actually met in this very hotel… (Crowd.. Ahhhhhhhh)

To spare his blushes, I won't go into too much detail about that night apart from to say that it involved a lot of Lager, the Full Monty and a pair of black boxer shorts with holes in them!

I am also reliably informed that their beautiful daughter Jade was conceived here. Although I am assured it wasn't on the same night!

Actually, on that score if anyone here is staying in room 8 I'd make sure that the sheets have been changed if I were you!

But seriously, when Craig and Carol announced they were getting married I couldn't have been more pleased. He topped it off for me of course when he asked me to be his best man.

(Turn to Craig)

To you mate, I would like to say that you are my oldest and dearest friend. We have been through some bad times and we have been through a lot of good times. Your friendship has been a source of strength to me throughout the years and I want to say that it has been an honour and a privilege to stand beside you today, thank you…

I would also like to take this moment of seriousness to mention someone very dear to Craig and, indeed, to many of us around the room and that's his dad Fred. Those of us who knew him knew just how much his family meant to him and how proud he would have been today. (Turn to Craig) Im sure that your dad would have loved today mate, and I know just how happy he would have been that you have found someone like Carol to share your life with…
Now, I am sure that you are all pleased to know that I am almost finished. All that remains is for me to read out some of the beautiful cards that have been sent to the happy couple…

(READ 3 or 4 CARDS)

“To Craig… why did you have to do it? We could have been so perfect together… all my love from Julian Clary”

One final thing before I ask you all to join me in the final toast of the evening… My girlfriend Becky has asked me to pass on some advice to you both..

To you Carol she says “remember that men are like tiled floors, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for years!”

And to you mate, “Always have the last word in any argument… YES DEAR”

And so Parents, Family and Friends, for the final time this evening would you all be upstanding and charge your glasses

“To my best friend and his lovely new wife.. May your love be modern enough to survive the times but old fashioned enough to last for ever”

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the new Mr and Mrs Tasker… Craig and Carol