Speech by Shane Jay

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Shane Jay
Speech Date: Jul 2001
Introduction

I haven't been this nervous since the last time I went to the clap clinic!!

When Peter came to me and asked me to be his best man, organize a stag night, get him to the church on time and say a few nice things about him at the reception, I told him that it would be an honor but thought he might be better off with someone else..…

Then he offered me twenty quid..…
I said “I'm not a man who can be bought”
Then he offered me forty quid..…

So anyway, good afternoon ladies & gents, for those of you who don't know me my name's Shane “can I get you a drink”, and please don't be afraid to call me by it later.

Now I was really, really nervous about standing up here and speaking today, suffice to say that this isn't the first time today that I've risen from a warm seat holding a piece of paper in my hand!!

No seriously, I really was nervous about making a speech today, so I prepared a few lines – and having snorted them, feel absolutely fine!!

I'm only going to talk for a few minutes because of my throat – Claire said she'd cut it if I'm here much longer!!

Thank You's

I'd like to start by saying a few thank you's:-

1). Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids and flowergirls, I'd like to thank Peter & Claire for their kind gifts. I'm sure you'll all agree how beautiful & charming they all look today.

And as for the bride, I'd like to say how stunning you look in that fantastic white dress…..you won't have any trouble blending in with everything else in the kitchen!!

And for a change, peter has scrubbed up quite nicely too!! Surprising what a flannel and bar of soap can do ehh!! Mind you, I'm not to pleased about him copying my outfit today!!

2). Secondly, I'd like to thank the caterers for a meal fit for a prince……hear boy!!
No, seriously, I'm sure you'll all agree that the food was wonderful.

3). And lastly, I'd like to say thanks to peter for asking me to be his best man.

A far more intellectual man than myself once said that being asked to be a best man is like being asked to make love to the queen mother – it's a great honor but nobody wants to do it!!

Peter has assured me however that if I do a good job today he'll let me be best man at his next wedding!!

Now before I start blackening Peter's character I'll read some cards, but first, I'd like you lot to participate in the speech:-

1). Firstly, if you can all shift up to the end of your seat please.

2). Next, the people on this side of the room shouts “ooh”

3). O.k., now the people on this side of the room shouts “ahh”

There we are Pete, I told you this speech would have them oohing and aahing on the edge of their seats!!

Read Cards

Read about 10 or so cards (Include fake cards)

Peters Character Assassination

O.k., now Peter was born on the 5th August 1975 to his wonderful parents Howard & Mavis.

Not many people know this but he was originally going to be called Thursday, as Howard took one look at him and said to Mavis “right that's it, lets call it a day”.

As a young boy he showed many traits which he still possesses now – looking up girls skirts, unable to play football or rugby etc… Infact, the coach of our local football team once described him as useless in every position. Hope things improve there then Claire ehh!!

I've racked my brains for embarrassing anecdotes from his teenage period but surprisingly, not much comes to mind. Now whether this is down to his model behavior or my poor memory I'll leave you to decide. But I will say that my memory does improve with alcohol and I'll be propped up at the bar later.

The one story which I do recall is the story of Walters van. Now for those of you who haven't heard this before, Walter lives opposite my parents house in Llanbradach.

“I think we were about 14 or 15, and my parents were on holiday. It was late at night and we'd had far too many cans of Mcewans lager. We decided that it would be fun to payback Walter for all the times when he wouldn't give our balls back when they were kicked into his garden.
Some bright spark, that would be me, suggested that it would be fun to smash a window on his van. Now with Peter being a quiet sort, I didn't think he would be up for it, so you can imagine my surprise when he went rushing out of my parents house with a baseball bat and shattered the window on the van. He scurried back to the house and we laid low for a while.
It was during this time that Peters mind started to play games with him. “I've left my fingerprints on the van door, I've got to clean them off”. So with baseball bat still in hand, we headed out of the door & up to the van. But to our horror and dismay, a passer by had heard all the commotion and caught us red handed trying to shine up the van. And sure enough about ten minutes later, the local constabulary were kicking in the front door of my parents house, and despite our cries of mistaken identity, we were carted away to spend a luxurious night in the 4 star Ystrad Mynach police hotel.
Now I'm sure Peter has grown out of this type of behavior, but just incase he hasn't, these may come in handy next time… (present duster & Mr Sheen)

Claire's Bit

And so to Claire. Not having as much dirt to dish on Claire as peter, I'll keep this brief :

There are six words that describe Claire perfectly:-

Beautiful, Charming, Enchanting and Vodka & Diet Coke!!

I asked Peter what he was looking for in marriage to which he replied “love, happiness, kids etc”.
When I asked Claire the same question she replied “Coffee Percolator”!!

But I must say – it's funny how history repeats itself. 24 years ago Claire's mum and dad were sending her to bed with a dummy – and here we are again today.

Okay, how am I doing for time – who paid me to keep going until they won the sweepstake??? Oh right I'll start wrapping up… !!

Finale/Toast

Before I finish I'd like to ask the bride & groom to participate in the speech. Claire if you could place your hand flat on the table…..Right Pete, if you could place your hand directly on top of Claire's….Enjoying that Pete?…..make the most of it buddy, it's the last time you'll have the upper hand!!

In all seriousness though, my final words go to the bride & groom. I'm very proud to be best man here toady. I wish you both eternal happiness together, and pete, just remember to say those three important little words………”your right love”

Ladies and Gents, please be upstanding….and raise your glasses….join me in a toast….to the new Mr & Mrs Seaborne – The Bride & Groom…