Speech by Shaun Bell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Shaun Bell
Speech Date: Aug 2001
Good afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen
For anyone that doesn't know me my name is Shaun

Can I just say that this isn't the first time TODAY I've got up off a warm seat with PAPER in my hand!!!

Jeff waited till I'd drunk about 12 pints of lager before asking me to be best man & with 12 pints in me I thought yeah that won't be a problem. But now, I'm stood here sober & let me tell you at this moment in time “I'd rather be sticking WASPS up my ARSE”.

Infact I hope you'll indulge me while I picture you all naked for a moment. It doesn't help my nerves…………I just find it strangely erotic.

Well they say the best man's speech should last about as long as it takes him to do his manly duty in bed……..but I haven't got all night so I'll be brief.

It's traditional for the best man to let the bride's parent's know what sort of a man has married their daughter so I might as well start at the beginning, BECAUSE me & Jeff have been through a lot together infact we were just saying earlier how glad we are that none of them have turned up TODAY.

Jeff was born on 31st January 1971. When Jeff was born the nurse held him up and commented on how much he looked like his Dad BUT THEN the nurse turned him the right way up and all was well….I'm saying all was well. Looking at him now it's no stretch of the imagination to say that Jeff was an ugly baby. Infact he was so ugly when he was born the midwife slapped his parents.

Young Jeffrey blossomed into a beautiful bundle of fun, guilty of little more than his collection of bogies on his headboard and the extremely heavy colds he must have suffered as a teenager, I think it was heavy colds how else could he explain the pile of toilet paper under his pillow.

Jeff attended Caldew School, which was where we first met. Jeff was a good little lad never doing any wrong which Vicky's family will be pleased to know, but for the first term at school Jeff was a bit of a loner & had no friends he just stood in the corner of the playground squeezing the ZITS on his PLOOKY little face……which he probably got from all the glue sniffing he was doing at the time. So I decided to take this boy under my wing and teach him a few things to help him get through the tough days at school.

I started by teaching him how to play the game of football. Which is PROBABLY the reason he plays so well these days for his team on Sunday morning. Having said that I've recently spoken to some of his team mates and they say Jeff is pretty useless in every position so lets hope Vicky has more luck on that score.

Having said that Jeff still insist's he's a good player & he ALWAYS tells me when his picture appears in the local paper. Yes there's a lot to be said about Jeff Henderson and HE'S usually the one saying it. I don't know if anyone know's this but Jeff was once featured on regional television during the football highlights he said it was because he was a CRUCIAL part in the making of the goal that was scored. I don't know about crucial but they DO say everyone has 15 minutes of fame……… I'm just not sure when Jeff will get to use his other 14 minutes 58 seconds. But Jeff recorded the event on Video as a momento and my only advice to him when he plays it back is for god sake don't press fast forward.

When we left school we used to hang around the Ship Inn at Thursby. Jeff would be in his Ford Escort Mark 2 with wide wheels and tuned engine which he thought was a real FANNY magnet and I'd be in my Dad's Austin Princess which I knew was a real GRANNY magnet. Having said that Jeff did change his cars quite often, not that he wanted to, he just kept crashing them. But Jeff's motto back then was if you didn't like his driving you should keep off the pavements.

The Ship Inn was also the place where Jeff & me first met Stella………..& Fosters & Heineken which we still meet up with on a regular basis and who I totally lay the blame on for me standing here today. I'm pretty sure Jeff will try and blame Stella for the situation he managed to get himself into on his Stag Do. Which leads me nicely onto my next LONG paragraph.

The men in the room will all be aware of what goes on on a stag do and Jeff's was no different. We did ALL the usual things, we visited Museums, Historic Monuments and the odd Cathedral. I think that about covers all the exciting things that I could POSSIBLY get away with talking about today so I'll leave it at that. I would just like to say to Vicky that considering 16 other lads were trying their hardest to do their worst to Jeff, I did a pretty good job of looking after him & I can safely say that I didn't let Jeff DO anything he wasn't supposed to…… But that job was made easier for me because the Lap Dancers wouldn't LET you do anything you weren't supposed to.

All that said Jeff does think the world of Vicky. When we were standing at the alter Jeff was saying to me how beautiful Vicky looked in her white dress and was saying how well she would blend in with the rest of the Kitchen.

Jeff's mam Lillean was also talking to me earlier and was telling me what a nice couple they make and she hoped Jeff and Vicky would be as happy TOGETHER as she THOUGHT she was going to be with Eddy.

Before I get onto the formal stuff I'd just like to read a couple of telegrams

To Jeff we could have been so good together……signed Nicole Kidman

To Vicky we were so good together……signed Tom Cruise

To Jeff we were so good together….signed Dale Winton

I must come to a close now so that we can start the meal and more importantly start the drinking. I noticed Eddy was fidgeting a bit and we all know how he gets when BLOOD starts entering his ALCOHOL STREAM.

I'd just like to say on behalf of the bridesmaids thank's to Jeff for his kind words.

& I'd like to say that it HAS been a pleasure being best man for Jeff and I am proud to be Jeff's friend and now Vicky's as well and I wish them all the happiness for the future years together. If you could all raise your glasses as I make a toast to the happy couple.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart………to the new Mr & Mrs Henderson….… the Bride & Groom.