Speech by Shaun Iredale

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Shaun Iredale
Speech Date: Aug2004
Good Afternoon Reverend Father, Ladies and Gentlemen,

For those of you who don't know me. My name is Shaun and I'm the best man today. Ken has told me that if I'm any good today, I can best man at his next wedding too.

Just a few more minutes before you get stuck into your main course, I have been practicing this speech, and have it down to 5 minutes. I did a dry run last week in “The George”, so apologies to both Brian Kelly and Shay Burke who will already have heard it.

29th March 1972 Ken Cornelius Keogh was born. If you look up the history books, you will see that nothing of any importance happened on this day. When we asked his mother, she said there was nothing remarkable about the birth either. He arrived as scheduled on time, not even a little premature – I have it on good authority that's the last time that happened.

I did think that Ken was going to ask Eddie to be his best man; the reason behind his decision not to was the wedding Photos. They say the camera adds 10lbs, and if you're in a photo standing beside Eddie, you may add on another 10lbs, Ken decided the easiest way for him to look good was to pick a bunch of fellows that wouldn't make him look too short, too ugly, or too fat. So Well done Ken.

It is a fact that Eddie was instrumental in Getting Sarah and Ken together. Ken was looking for an email address to send Eddie some highly inappropriate digital photos. So Eddie gives him Sarah's email address, and Ken sends her the photos to be passed on. Naturally enough Sarah is horrified at the content and responds to Ken expressing her disapproval. So Kens decides that the best way to calm the situation is to ask Sarah out to Lunch, and he chooses one of Dublin's finer restaurants- The Kestrel on the Walkinstown roundabout. No expense spared for our Ken- certainly knows how to show a girl a good time. Anyway, date over and Kenny Cornelius is on the phone. Eddie asks him did he enjoy his lunch to which Ken responds “Enjoy my lunch? Are you kidding me – Sarah is absolutely gorgeous, I couldn't eat anything, I was so nervous- All I could manage was a glass of coke” Now for those of you that know Ken well, and for those of you seeing him here for the first time. I think you'll agree that things have got to be pretty serious to put him off his food.

That was in the year 2000, and obviously they have remained together, this despite Sarah getting groped by Colin Farrell at the closing Ceremony of the Special Olympics. A fact that Ken is actually a little bit proud of. He also decided to stand by her after it was revealed she was caught dropping her knickers in Clane. Allegedly after a sun bed session, Sarah decided to keep the salon provided paper knickers on( the reason why- well perhaps Sarah will tell us ?) and when she left the salon her own pair dropped out of her coat onto the pavement. Luckily there was an old lady nearby and ran up” excuse me miss, you've dropped your… eeeaahhh” Unfortunately for Sarah there were a few of male passers by that found the whole situation amusing.

Suffice as to say from the very first moment that they met, Ken was smitten with Sarah and he was in no doubt that she was the one for him. When Kenny told us about their first Real date- We all knew she was the one for him too.

Another thing I do know about Ken is that he doesn't like to be called Kenny Cornelius. And that he actually prefers to be called The Bomber Keogh. Now Ken will have you believe that the reason for the name is something to do with his supreme skills at flying model Airplanes, or something to do with him and his mates driving up to Cocos in Ken's Mini 1275 GT with no brakes, knocking back dry Martinis and lemonade. But the truth is that when Ken was young and the lads decided to go anywhere- Ken would always bomb off on his BMX. He had to be first one there. And he's the very same today. Ken always has to be first in the queue; if we're going anywhere Ken has to be driving at the head of the convoy, or sitting in the front seat of the car. Whatever is going on Ken always has to be first. Ken, now that you are married, certain situations are going to present themselves. Few and far between as they may be – coming second will be the preferred option.

For the past 10 years Ken and I have worked together. I use the term worked very loosely. During this time we have been collating some of his wittiest sayings, when I say wittiest I really mean daft – These sayings are know as Kennyisms and each Christmas we decide on the Most Kennyish Saying of the year. These include

I was lying on the couch taking a nap and fell asleep…
I would rather have a bald spot on my head than inside my brain…
There are a lot of allegations going round at the moment- And I'm going to find out who the alligators are.

Ken and Sarah – people will tell you that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. Well I'm married now for 4 years and whoever believes that, either knows nothing about women or nothing about fractions.

Reverend Fr. Ladies and Gentlemen, It has been an absolute honor to have been asked by Ken to be his best man. Earlier today we all witnessed Ken and Sarah announcing their intention to spend the rest of their lives together. Well the rest of their lives are starting now. Ken is the most genuine and loyal of all my friends, and Sarah compliments him. They are wonderful people and it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and join me in a toast.

We wish them both all the best for their future together and we hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage and that their marriage is blessed with children.

To the Bride and Groom…..Mr. & Mrs. Bomber Keogh.