Speech by Shaune

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Shaune
Speech Date: sep2002
Folks, a wedding is a special day for all kinds of reasons.
It can be a great chance to have a drink or two.
It can be a great opportunity for single people to meet one another.
It can be a great excuse to buy a new outfit.
And, of course, it offers the Best Man the undivided attention of a room full of people when he's had a glass or two of the good stuff.
It's been said that doing the best mans speech is like being asked to make love to the Queen of England… It's a great honour but nobody wants to do it.
Actually, it really is an honor to be Gary's best man because to me Gary is one of the best men I know. He is truly a quality individual. He is a great friend and lifelong confidante. We were always together. We were really more like brothers. In fact from the age of 16 to 18, my mom took him as a deduction on her tax return. She had to recoup the money she spent feeding him somehow.

It's good to see the weather is better than Gary predicted for today after all he did say many times it would be a cold day the day he got married… especially in hell.

Now, before I carry on with Gary's character assassination, I'd like to take this opportunity to say a couple of things that must be said:

First off, on behalf of the very beautiful Bridesmaids, and the equally beautiful Ushers I'd like to thank the Bride and Groom for the lovely gifts.

Next: Crystal, you make a beautiful bride.

And Thirdly: I would just like to thank the Brides Maids for performing their role so gracefully, and for looking fantastic throughout the day.
I'd also like to congratulate them for doing such a great job in making sure that Crystal went against her better judgment and didn't change her mind.

I would also like to thank Gary, for asking me to be his best man, finally after all the time I have known him, it must have been difficult for him to admit that I am the BEST man!!!

I suppose I should also thank Crystal for LETTING me be Gary's best man…
I know she's nervous about the content of my speech but there is nothing to worry about.

I have taken the job of being best man seriously and a few of my jobs were.… to ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober, and looking good, well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. After all look what I have to work with. I'm the best man, not a magician!

It was also my responsibility to see that Gary got a good nights sleep last night, and I'm pleased to report he slept like a baby….he woke up every half hour crying for his mum.

Sitting down to write this speech was a daunting task. Where to begin? What to say?
I've known Gary for nearly sixteen years now, although my liver swears it's forty.
So there was a time when I didn't know Gary too well so I got some inside information from family and friends.

__ years ago this September, a truly wonderful event took place.
This date saw the birth of Gary Ralph Victor Parsons, one of the many names he's been called over the years. Other choice ones I can't tell you, as this is a family occasion!
Unfortunately, unlike his beautiful daughter Cassidy, Gary was NOT a PRETTY baby – apparently his mum had an excruciating case of morning sickness… AFTER he was born!

Now, HE tells me that he was exceptionally gifted, and very popular at school …

And the reports I ‘ve had from his old school, tell a similar story
Apparently, ‘Gary was an ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects’…..…
Ooops, sorry that should be, ‘Gary was an IDLE pupil who was EXPELLED from most subjects.’

Here we have some examples:

Geography
Gary is the only one in the class who thinks Ellesmere Port is a fine table wine.

Biology
While Gary is often enthusiastic he took it a little too far by revising for his blood test.

Religious Education
Gary's understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.

Technical Drawing
Gary has always been a willing student but has trouble distinguishing between Inches and millimetres. According to Crystal, he's still struggling with this concept.

On leaving school
His teens years can be defined as several years of drinking, throwing up, and sleeping beside the toilet cuddling up to the bowl…something he still hasn't grown out of yet.

During my research into Gary's past I tried to get in touch with some of his ex-girlfriends to see if any of them would like to send Crystal a sympathy card.
My job was to see that angry ex-girlfriends were kept at bay – I should think most of them will be far from angry..… probably out celebrating!

On a sincere note …I would like to thank Gary for his friendship over the years that I have known him.
In life you can count your true friends on one hand, these being people who will drop whatever they are doing and do all they can to help you in your hour of need.
I remember when I lost my job, Gary was there.
When my girlfriend dumped me, Gary was there.
When I broke my arm, Gary was there.
In fact , I'm beginning to think that you are a jinx, Gary!

What can I say about Gary Parsons?

((pull out a pocket card or something))

He's :
• Witty
• Intelligent
• Charming
• Good Looking
• Per… Per… Sorry Gary I'm having trouble reading your writing.

((Toss the card away))

Now of course, I'm not the only person in this room that knows Gary well.
In fact, this place is stuffed with people that have an opinion on the guy. So, I thought it would be a nice idea to find out what some of you others think of the groom, and share you're thoughts at his wedding.
Over the last few weeks I've been approaching his friends and this is what just a few of you said.

______, Gary's Boss, said, ‘Working with Gary is like working with a God. He's rarely seen, he's holier than thou and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle.’

Unfortunately, Gary has also been described as arrogant, insensitive and selfish. And let's face it; if anyone should know him it is his Mum.

While speaking to these people I tried to gather some advice on what they thought were the ingredients to a long and happy marriage so here are a few.

Firstly, Gary… set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything as Crystal says!

Secondly, never be afraid that Crystal will leave you – she's spent time training you already, she's not going to throw that away lightly!

Thirdly, never forget to say those 3 little words every day for the rest of your life – “YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR!”

Whenever you're wrong, be a man and admit it… Whenever you're right, just “SAY nothing!”
As they say a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married.

Lastly, remember the 5 rings;
The engagement ring,
the wedding ring,
the suffe-RING,
the tortu-RING,
and the endu-RING

For Crystal I have the following advice – men are like a fine wine – they start out like grapes and its your job to stomp on them until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with!
On the other hand, Crystal, women are also like a fine wine – they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating for the mind. And then they turn sour until they go vinegary and they give you a headache!

Before I finish there was one last thing I wanted to share with you and it's a passage I thought would be a nice finish for my speech today.

This is Your wedding day, Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why.
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you have the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still-frames in your mind.
Hang it on the shelf of good health and good time.
Tattoos of the memories of walking down the aisle.
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you have the time of your life.

Ok that's me done… now time to get drunk!
Over to the Groom for his speech.
But first, the Toast…

Now, if you could join me in a toast to some very important people, without who today just wouldn't be the same.
I'm sure all of us at some point will huffle past them and exchange a few kind words.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to raise your glasses and say a toast……………..to the bar staff.

((Let them all stand, then sit down as if you're finished))

Oh! And I suppose we better not forget the new Mr & Mrs Parsons.

If you would all like to stand again and raise your glasses and join me in a toast.
WISHING THEM A LONG AND HAPPY MARRIAGE…
To Gary and Crystal!!!

Thank you!