Speech by Simon Chalk

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Chalk
Speech Date: Aug 2009
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!

I hope you are all enjoying this very special day so far. It really is a great honour and a privilege to be here today as XXXX's Best Man. Before I get on with the ritual embarrassing stories about the groom, I want to start by congratulating XXXX on how beautiful she looks today.

Please also give it up for the bridesmaids and flower girls who have not only done a fantastic job today but also look absolutely radiant!

Now, I'm told the first thing for the best man to do in his speech is let everybody from the bride's side know just what sort of man their daughter has married. So here goes – XXXX is caring, funny, charming, generous, witty – and..sorry XXXX what does this say I can't quite read your handwriting here???

As you are already finding out, when XXXX asked me to be his Best Man, it certainly wasn't on the strength of my public speaking skills. So, with that in mind I intend to make this speech short and simple..just like my good mate here in fact. Luckily for me, over the years XXXX has given me plenty of material for this occasion and I've even managed to raid the photographic archives to make the next few minutes a little more uncomfortable for him. Don't worry too much XXXX – I couldn't find that dodgy one of you having a drink with that ladyboy in Thailand!

I first met XXXX at college and soon discovered we shared all the same interests..football, beer and chasing girls…mainly unsuccessfully it has to be said! To be honest now that I look back, I'm surprised I got to know him very well at all..mainly because he was unbelievably lazy and spent most of his spare time in bed sleeping! Well, I assume that is what he was doing anyway. As most of you will know, XXXX is so laid back he's almost horizontal which is clearly one of his favourite places to be. Take a look him here and tell me if you've ever seen anyone happier to asleep.photo After a few beers, XXXX has been known to fall asleep pretty much anywhere – I cant count the number of times I've had to wake him up at the end of a party or nightclub. I think this one was from a pub in Bristol but judging by the look on face it looks like he had a good night.

Studying wasn't a priority for either of us back in college and after a year of dishing out banter to our History tutor we both dropped the course before being thrown out! XXXX decided he had ambition to make it big in the catering business and embarked on a hospitality course instead. He was no Gordon Ramsey though and it wasn't long before he realized that he was actually more interested in eating food than he was cooking it. While I'm on the subject of XXXX's love of food, I've noticed recently that the XXXX &quotmessy eating&quot gene has sadly been passed on to XXXX too photo

In his teenage years, XXXX had lots of long, flowing, golden locks and considered himself a bit of a trend setter on the fashion front. Looking at him now, I appreciate that some of you might find that hard to imagine so I've bought along some evidence to back up my story photo XXXX – I'm not exactly sure what kind of look you were trying to achieve here…I think its somewhere between the Fonz and John Travolta? Either way I don't think it helped much with your attempts to woo the ladies!

Ever since I've known him, XXXX has always been mad about football. Despite his age, physique and growing waistline he still plays a bit. He occupies a midfield role with a silky touch and on a good day has been known to bend it like Beckham. Sadly, the similarity with David Beckham ends there and on this evidence its not entirely unsurprising that his career in football or underwear modelling didn't take off photo

I sometimes wonder though, had it not been for the booze and fags over the years things could have been so different…move over Posh and Becks I give you XXXX &amp XXXX photo

Over the years XXXX and I have enjoyed our fair share of drunken nights out, hitting clubs and parties and trying to chat up girls!! A typical night would end up with him drinking too much beer and then throwing up, but he rarely ended up home alone..he'd usually fall asleep on the kitchen floor curled up with the family dog. Unfortunately, this is where I need to be careful for a couple of reasons, firstly because most of the good stories I have on XXXX also incriminate me. And secondly, XXXX is getting married before me which means whatever I say now will come back to haunt me on my own wedding day! However, if you find me at the bar later I'm sure I might be persuaded to reveal some of the more risky material I have on XXXX. With his good looks and that cutting edge sense of fashion I just can't understand why we were both so unsuccessful with the girls though.. photo

Being the adventurer that he is at heart, a long stint of backpacking around Australia and then Asia followed college for XXXX while the rest of us went off to Uni or got jobs. Now, I'm not saying that XXXX is work shy but a few more years masquerading as an English teacher abroad meant he managed to avoid getting his first job until he was about 28! Fortunately, he finally went on to Uni in Brighton which of course is where he met XXXX. Although she played it cool at first, XXXX's stalking tactics eventually paid off and romance blossomed between the pair. After courting for a while, I do remember him setting some ground rules and telling XXXX who was boss in their relationship. He looked her right in the eyes and clearly said: &quotyou're the boss&quot! It's great to see you in a pair of trousers today mate as XXXX usually wears those of course!

I do have to say how lucky you are XXXX, some might say you've overachieved. You will leave here today having gained a wife who is charming, attractive, kind and funny. XXXX, how lucky you are too…you'll leave here today having gained a beautiful dress and a lovely new ring!

On a serious note for a second though, XXXX has been a great friend to me over the years, the best in fact. I've watched him develop into the fine man that he is today, a soul mate to XXXX and proud father to XXXX. I can honestly say I've never seen him happier than when he's with XXXX and it's clear to me that they are meant to be together. Words really cannot express how happy I am that you two are now man and wife. As a couple and a family you are an inspiration to us all – I know you have a long and happy future ahead of you.

Now, a few people have asked, but I feel it would improper of me to divulge any information about the recent stag weekend. I'd love to tell you how on the stag night XXXX got a tattoo, flirted with a stripper, had a brush with the law and then woke up naked on the beach. But if I'm completely honest, I can't remember the end of the night because I collapsed into a corner well before him for once! The rest of the lads tell me he had a great time though and especially enjoyed pole dancing for some nice young men he met in the local nightclub! photo

Asides from the stag do, the run up to this wedding has been incredibly smooth and well organised. Our thanks must go out to XXX and XXXX for organising and hosting such a fantastic event here today applause

XXXX has been very relaxed in the run up to the wedding too and I can confirm that last night he slept like a baby…that is, he wet the bed and woke up in the night crying for his mum! We managed to get him cleaned up this morning though and I think he's scrubbed up pretty well for his big day. In fact, you look very handsome XXXX but it is obvious to me and everyone here that you blatantly copied my outfit today.

Anyway, I'm really not going to keep you any longer…I know we're all here to laugh at XXXX's dancing! So, before we move on to that, my final duty is to raise a toast to the newlyweds, so please be upstanding, and join me in raising your glasses to the new Mr &amp Mrs XXXXX!!!!!