Speech by Simon Chattell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Chattell
Speech Date: May 2001
Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, for those that don't know me, my name is Simon Wouldyoulikeadrink. Please feel free to say hello and call me by my full name later on.

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Steve for his kind words, and I have to say they have done an excellent job today and look absolutely wonderful.

I must admit to being a little nervous. In fact, this isn't the first time today that I've stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand. I'm probably about as nervous as Steve was this morning ….Errr, you left this in the loo Steve [hand Steve a brick].

I am very proud that I was chosen to be the best man today. It's often said at weddings, that being asked to be the best man is like being asked to snog the Queen Mother – it's a great honour but nobody wants to do it.

During my research I looked into the 3 key elements of a Wedding day and they are as follows:
The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take.
The Altar – the place where 2 become 1
The Hymn – the celebration of the marriage
I think Louise may also have read the same book because as she took her place beside Steve today, I swear I heard her whispering “Aisle Altar Hymn, Aisle Altar Hymn”.

But on to Steve…

I have a large library of stories to tell you that will leave him embarrassed and humiliated, but out of respect for him on his big day I have decided NOT to tell them.
So I'm not going to tell you about the time he vomited over a taxi drivers head in Eastbourne, ended up in casualty on his stag do and I certainly won't tell you the story about the stick covered in poo as we've just eaten and I'm not sure that would go down too well.

Steve was born on the 13th November 1972. When he came into this world he was about the size of a small child. Coincidentally, this was also the year that the first Mr Men books were publish, and if you know Steve or know anyone that has lived with him, you'll easily be able to guess which Mr Man he takes after…No, its not Mr Topsy-Turvey or Mr Bump…It's Mr Messy. Even though Steve stopped reading the Mr Men books last year, I doubt he will ever loose his natural ability to make a mess.

(Louise, if you need any tips on getting him to tidy up, don't ask my mum or dad as they were unsuccessful for twenty years).

Unfortunately, being Steve's younger brother, I didn't pay attention to his schooling all that much, but I'm reliably told by my mum that he was an ideal pupil, who excelled in most subjects.
Sorry that should read: “He was an idle pupil, who was expelled from most subjects”!

After completing his ‘A’ Levels Steve had a brief career as an accountant but soon saw the light and decided that cleaning Taunton swimming pool would be more interesting. After a few other career moves he decided that he was missing something so decided to go to University to study Sport Science at Eastbourne.

Before he'd gone away to University, Steve was extremely fit, as skinny as a rake and very serious about his cycling. It was on the following Christmas holiday when I saw Steve was starting to put on a bit of weight that I realised….he'd fallen in love with Stella.…

…Artois.

I hear he had an excellent time at Uni. Living in a house of like minded people who also had a great love of Stella…Guiness and Bitter.

The stag doo was a couple of weeks ago in Brighton and on the Saturday evening we went to a club called the EVENT.
For those of you who don't know the Event – it's described as giving you the most electrifying night of your life – and to see Steve dance there you'd think was being electrocuted.

Unfortuantely for Steve, several people had cameras on the stag do and I have had some of the raunchier pictures blown up so you can all see what he got up to. A couple of people told me not to show them as it could spoil the brides wedding day but I know that Louise will understand. (Bring out Pictures)

Moving on to the happy couple…

Steve and Louise met while working at Sainsburys but didn't officially start seeing each other for quite a while. Just over 2 years ago Steve ran the London Marathon. It was at the finish that emotion got the better of them…They ran into each others arms and burst into tears…which then sent mum bursting into tears, as well as my cousin Emma. I can't quite remember if Emma's boyfriend Stefan was crying, maybe just on the inside.
They had come to the marathon as close friends and I think probably left as an item and have stayed together ever since.

I would like to say how wonderful Louise looks and what a lucky man Steve is. They married today for better and for worse. Steve couldn't have done better and Louise couldn't have done..… (look down at notes and stumble) better either.

It's plain for all to see what Steve sees in Louise – sitting there all in cream – she's going to blend in nicely in their kitchen.

I'm now going to read out a few messages …

Here's one that reads…
– "I will leave the key to the palace under the backdoor mat’….Signed ‘The Queen Mum’…..Oh Sorry…That one is addressed to me (Pocket the card).

There were also one or two messages from some of Steve's ex-girlfriends [pull out full black bin liner] but I'll only read a couple;
– Dear Steve – From all of us at Madame Thrashards Spanking Emporium – we hope you have a great day
Here's another one…
– Steve, I can't help thinking about what could have been – Loving you always – Tarquin.

Moving swiftly on…

Before the toasts its customary to give the bride and groom a few words of wisdom;
Steve – This is a piece of advice that most of the married men in this room will all have learnt themselves, the best way to remember your wedding anniversary.… is to forget it once!

Louise…
If you love something – set it free
If it comes back – it was – and always will be yours
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with
If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place…You either married it or gave birth to it

And finally, remember Louise, Men are like fine wine….They start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with.
On the other hand Steve, women are also like a fine wine….They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age, until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache. (I didn't write that honest!!!!!).

Could you all please stand now and join me in a toast…To the bride and grooms parents for this special day. Thank you.

While your all still standing, I'd like to say that it really has been an honour and a pleasure being best man, but today I am the best man in name only. It's Steve and Louises’ day and I'd like to wish them all the very best for this new chapter in their lives.

Please join me in a toast…To Steve and Louise…The Bride and Groom.