Speech by Simon Cooper

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Cooper
Speech Date: Aug 2002
Started off the speech with 3 A4 size envelopes a copy of the speech in each – offered the bride to choose one of them – all the speeches are the same in all the envelopes but on the back of each of the speeches in big letters is – Upset the Family – X Rated Version 1.2a (got me a big laugh to start off)

Then I started with…

A wise man once told me that a best man's speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to make love………thank you ladies & gentlemen – & good afternoon (Sit Down) (wait a second & then continue)
When Andy asked me to be his best man I admit …I panicked I thought of a thousand ways to say ‘No politely’… and in my haste to pick out the best one I just blurted out
"Of course I'll do it mate – it'll be a honour"
No I jest – I'm very honoured to be doing this job and in time honoured Best Man tradition I will now do my best to give Andy the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of his life. – Which to be fair is only what he gives Angela every-time they go to bed.

Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Andy and Angela that if there is anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately …

I've come to the conclusion that Best Man is just a fancy title for a Nanny!

As the Nanny I've had to ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober, and looking good,
Well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. After all I'm best man, not a bloody plastic surgeon!

Now what are these you ask yourself – well they're Andy's Chastity pants (I used an old pair of boxer shorts with a chane on them). Ange has been making him wear these for the past four years keeping his crown jewels securely under lock and key. She thought that only one key had been made. But rumour has it that copies were made of this key by and Andy & he has been giving these keys out to various ladies over the past few years without Angela knowing.
If anyone out there has any of these keys could we please have them back in now as Andy is married and completely out of bounds to any girl but Ange. (Keys come back in – keys given out to various females in wedding party early on by the usher & one to a male friend who sneaks up and gives key back slightly later than the girls – got a good laugh) You dark horse Andy. Here's the rest I collected from over in Wales. Oh yes and you left these at Julie Jones's house (Joke box of Viagra & Body chocolate).
So Andy and Angela you've finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Andy couldn't have done any better and Angela couldn't have done any worse.
Actually, during the service today, I couldn't help thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself. I mean 27 years ago Angela's family were sending her to bed with a dummy…(pause) and it's happening again today.
Ange, I now feel I need to tell you about the man you've married. Andy “Gripper” Millard. Born ‘um a long time ago.

I met Andy at work about 10 years ago at JT Design build, he was wearing black shoes, white socks drainpipe trousers and he was topped off with an Elvis quiff – nice.
He wasn't having the best time of his life when I met him so me and the boys from Wales decided to take him under our wings & make him an honorary taff and dragged him on all sorts of trips abroad. Well over to Wales to watch rugby events and to chase women mainly, which was a good, laugh. Mind you the rugby was always bad and the women weren't much better although a few magic ciders always seemed to sort that out and he started to cheer up.
Life went on and so did the nights out usually drinking too much cider in Bristol and with Andy getting Pete Morgan his brother Stuart and myself into loads of trouble by attracting complete nutters. My favourite being the Uncle Fester looking woman who was a big girl wearing a black mini dress and these elegant cut off wellies – just stunning – she followed him around the Hillgrove pub all night.
A few years later he looked after me for a while. He made an error and let me sleep on his couch one night when I was homeless and I ended up staying there for about a year – well somebody had to do the lazy buggers dishes. Later on that year he met the lovely Angela and they used to try and sneak into the flat after being out late for a bit of you know what! but I was always awake and always spoiled the moment – I remember we had to get rid of a load of mice we had in the kitchen once, then somebody commented on the fact that all Andy needed to do next was get rid of the welsh git from the lounge.
I took the hint & eventually moved out and Angela moved in. Which was probably a good thing as Andy was putting in some strange requests and kept asking me to dress up in sailor suits and high heels and things – I had a lucky escape really.
Today the lads hand him over to Angela. From now on it's Ange who will have the hassle of looking after the old bugger and to be honest we couldn't be handing him over to anyone more qualified. I've also known Ange for a while now and I know she makes him very very happy (he told me that again this morning). She looks absolutely stunning today and I think you'll all agree he's a very lucky man. But please look after him Ange as he's a great friend to many & he's a bloody good bloke.
I have plenty of stories that I could tell you about Andy, fortunately for him special vat cider and foreign lagers has blurred many of them, and the others are just too bad to mention.
Andy can be described as Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, Generous, A great sportsman and a ar…ar…Sorry Andy, I'm having trouble reading your writing.
Actually Angela this is the real man you've married (show picture – Embarrassing Groom Pic)
As you have found out a best mans speech involves a collection of amusing stories about the grooms past. Although there are some things you are not supposed to mention for example: –

Andy's drink problem – well the main problem is that he can't drink. Mind you is new wife and sister in law will be able to give him some good training.

Andy's Ex’ s– I was warned about the potentially delicate duty of keeping Andy's Ex's at bay. But Fortunately Foot and mouth got rid of most of ‘em last year so no worries there.

And of course the stag weekend – Exotic Nice and Sunny Monaco – Where did the girls go – Bowling in Bristol – Well we had Sunshine, beer and bikinis and that was just me Andy and Stuart. No it was a fantastic trip and all the boys were on top form there are only a few things I'm allowed to say about the trip.
1. Almost getting thrown out of the Casino Royal – Nice one Rob.
2. Bumping into Jennifer Anniston, Brad Pitt & The Prince of Monaco.
3. Having our own Eurovision song contest in an Irish bar.
4. Oh yes and what's is now known Internationally as the Saab turbo incident, this involved a certain stag member, loads of lager a plate of very hot spicy Tuna spaghetti, a parked silver Saab turbo car, a quick sprint fancy reverse pirouette drop the trousers manoeuvre, a scream of relief, something that resembled a cowpat and a couple of traffic cones.
For the full story speak to me at the bar later. Andy & I learned a valid lesson that night – when Mr X says he needs to go – he really needs to go.
Now, there are no other stories I can mention – not now anyway. So you will have put up with listening to my marital advise instead. However, given my track record in previous relationships, I've had to resort to asking Andy's friends Spencer & Bish for advice and this is what they said. (These two lads had more problems than me in relationships, which got a laugh)
1. Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything Ange tells you to do.

2. Secondly, it is very important to get on with your mother in-law. A friend of mine didn't speak to his for almost two years! Don't get him wrong, it wasn't for lack of trying or that he didn't like her. He just thought it was rude to interrupt!
3. Never go to bed angry…always stay up and fight

4. And finally always try to help with the cleaning…In your case Andy Pick your feet up when she is doing the hoovering.
You'll all be glad to know that I'm coming to the end of my speech now but before I finish I just need to read out some cards and messages.
Cards & Messages
Real card
To Angela good luck. We'll miss our after match shower sessions together – remember we're only a garden away lots of love the boys @ Bristol Rovers football Club.
To Andy best wishes. We'll miss our after match soapy bathing sessions together – remember we're only a garden away keep it up big boy – love from the boys @ Bristol Rugby club.
Real Card
Andy's work mates, say ‘Working with Andy is like working with a God. He's rarely seen, he's holier than thou and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle.
Real Card
Andy your sense of fashion has been an inspiration to me during my pop career all the best H from Steps
On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day, particularly those who have travelled long distances and I'd like to personally thank Andy and Ange for choosing me as best man today it has been a great pleasure and honour and a big thanks to Andy who's been there for me over the last 10 years in times of trouble – so before I start crying.
It gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the New Mr & Mrs Millard.
To the happiness, health, wealth and good fortune of the happy couple; To the Bride and Groom.