Speech by Simon Derry

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Derry
Speech Date: 02/09/2012 23:31:10

BESTMAN SPEECH 01/09/2012 RHYS & JODIES WEDDING

Ladies, gentlemen, friends and freeloaders,

Firstly, I would like to thank you all for coming to celebrate the marriage of Rhys and Jodie here today, and remember marriage is not just a word but a sentence (pause), a life sentence.

Joking aside, for everyone that doesn't know me my name is Simon, and those who do I am really sorry.

Before I begin Jodie would you place your right hand on the table, Rhys would you place your left on top of Jodie's, all will be reviled in good time.

(Thank you)

I would like to thank the ushers for a job well done today. Considering Darren & Chris have difficulty with the alphabet and their left and right. So I'm glad everyone was sat in the correct place for the ceremony.

We can not forget the bridesmaids today for their excellent contribution to the wedding, I'm sure you'll all agree with me, that they all look wonderful, but they were outshone by the bride who looks stunning today

For those of you expecting outrageous stories about Rhys past, the truth is I was with him for most of them and I wouldn't want to ruin my impeccable reputation, but I can tell you one thing on his stag do that Rhys looks good dressed as a baby and wearing tights (photos going £5 each just speak to me at the bar later), but not so good at drinking because on the same night he was caught being sick in spoons and was kicked out. You might ask yourself that's ok it's a stag do. But this was at 8 pm at the start, but to his credit after having a coffee or 2 at McDonald's to sober up we all carried on drinking till 2 am so fair play to the light weight.

Now traditionally, as Best man, it falls to me to offer Rhys some general advice for a happy and long lasting marriage .I've managed to condense this advice – which is based on my own experience and input from some people here today – into 14 short rules. So, Rhys if you remember and abide by these rules there should be no more middle of the night frantic phone calls. 

. 1. Jodie always makes the rules. 2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. Rhys can never possibly know all the rules. 4. If Jodie suspects that Rhys knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules. 5. Jodie is never wrong. 6. If Jodie is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Rhys said or did wrong. 7. If rule number 6 applies, Rhys must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding. 8. Jodie can change her mind at any given point in time. 9. Rhys must never change his mind without express written consent from Jodie. 10. Jodie has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. Rhys must remain calm at all times, unless Jodie wants him to be angry or upset. 12. Jodie must under no circumstances let Rhys know what's on her mind whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset. 13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm. 14. Jodie always gets the last word!

I have a few messages here that I need to read out to you both:-

To Rhys we could have been so good together I will miss our nights by the pool – lots of love, Michael Barrymore.

Dear Jodie It was nice while it lasted, but I guess we'll have to call it a day now you're married. Love Brad Pitt

Dear Rhys,

Congratulations on getting married and winning our big spender of the month award! From all the girls, at spearmint rhino.

Dear Rhys & Jodie,

I'm Sorry I could not marry u myself so I got one of my mate s to do it, but best wishes on your special Day

The Pope…………………..

There is also a card from the guys at the Welsh Rugby club. It says, ”Rhys was useless in all positions but we hope Jodie has more luck with him later” not sure what that means.

Now in case any of you are wondering why I asked Rhys to place his hand on Jodie's. I will tell you now, Rhys as my final role, it is with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last 5 minutes in which you will ever have the upper hand on Jodie.

I'd like to finish up by saying what a great honour it's been to be Rhys best man today, and I'm glad he's finally admitted that I am the better man!

As a man who will drink to absolutely anything, I'd be grateful if you would all give me an excuse to raise my glass by joining me in one last toast to the happy couple. And this piece of advice to Rhys

“To keep your marriage brimming in the ever-loving cup- Whenever you're wrong – Admit it whenever you're right – SHUT UP.

Ladies and Gentlemen. The new Mr and Mrs Bowen, Jodie & Rhys.