Speech by Simon Doran

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Doran
Speech Date: Aug2007
Well Pat, I hope you made the most of your speech.… now you're a married man, that'll be the last time you get to talk for 5 minutes without being interrupted!

Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen, boys and girls.

I'd like to introduce myself – for all those who don't know me, I'm Simon, and for all those who do – I'm sorry!

I heard that there was a sweepstake running on the longest speech.. Just so you know, I managed to get 150/1 on an hour and 12 minutes… so I hope you've been to the toilet, filled your glasses and you're all sitting comfortably.

Actually, I really was a bit worried about how long wedding speeches were supposed to last, so.. I asked around and the general consensus was that it should go on for about as long as it takes the groom to perform his duties in the bedroom.

So… on that note, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much, you've been a great crowd!!

Seriously, I'd like to say what a huge honour it was to be asked by Patrick to make a speech at his wedding. I feel like I'm gaining a new sister and losing a brother today. It is such a mix of emotions: pride, happiness, joy.… relief!

I want to say a few words about giving a speech in public…it's a very nerve wracking experience… in fact, if there's one person here today feeling more anxious and apprehensive about what lies ahead than I do right now, then it's probably because she's just married Pat.

Could I just echo Pat and Brian's words with regard to the bridesmaids – you look fabulous and you've done a fantastic job – especially in getting Vicky to the hotel in one piece .… I understand she put up quite a fight!

Victoria, can I just say that you look absolutely stunning today.
Pat….… You just look stunned!

And a quick word to Eric and Elaine – I'm sure you must be very proud of your little girl on her special day. I bet you can't believe it's almost 30 years since you were sending her to bed with a dummy…….it's remarkable how history repeats itself !

Pat actually told me that shortly after they were introduced, Eric asked him if his intentions towards his daughter were honourable or not?
Pat was quite surprised by this as he didn't realise he had a choice.

Now you're probably expecting me to stand up here and produce a stream of funny and embarrassing stories about my brother.. I was going to do that, but I've decided not to sink to those depths… mainly because if you hang around for the disco later, his dancing will embarrass him enough! A word of warning, step right back if Grandmaster Flash &amp the Furious 5 comes on!!

Before I forget, Vicky, can you please place your right hand on the table in front of you, and Pat, put your left hand over hers. If you can sit like that for the rest of the speech, all will be revealed later.

I'm not too sure how much Pat thought through asking me to speak. For the first time in my life I can, in front of a large audience, with no right to reply, tell you all exactly how he treated his poor little brother.
Having got me hooked on the evil weed, I was then forced to buy all our cigarettes, even though I got less spends than him.

I had to do his share of the chores as well as mine, or he'd beat me up yes, I know it's hard to believe, but he was bigger than me at the time! And, I was forced to wear all his hand-me-downs..and as you can see – we don't exactly share the same taste in clothes.

Oh, by the way Pat, Ronan Keating's been on.… he wants to know when he can have his suit back!

But I've thought about the good points too.… spending my money on cigarettes kept me off the booze, I'm much better at the housework than my wife.… And by the time the hand-me-downs got around to me, they were actually retro fashion…

But you have to pity our sister, Sinead.. getting the cord flares and floral cheesecloth shirt after me, Martin and Pat had worn them didn't do much for her street cred!

I was a bit surprised that he did ask me to speak as we don't always have a great relationship and see eye to eye, there's many a time that we have called each other names and ran to our Mum and Dad crying and telling tales… But, we usually make up very quickly….when Vicky and Emma tell us to act our age!!!

Seriously though, he's a great brother, and I am delighted to be a part of this special day.

So, what else can I tell you about him?

He's handsome.. Successful… Witty.. Intelligent … Flash..
Charming .. Erm, erm.… Sorry Pat, what's that one say – I can't read your handwriting. Oh, yeah… fantastic in bed!

One thing that is actually true about him is that he spent his formative years re-enacting the film, The Sting, using me, his innocent little brother, as an unwilling accomplice, I must add!

I lost count of the number of pubs in Heywood we got barred from after performing our Killer Darts for money con trick, and fleecing the locals..… I'm not going to reveal all our secrets but the key to this trick was to make everyone else in the game believe we weren't related… to this day, I still can't believe we actually got away with that one!

I remember the day Pat told me that he had found his Mrs Right.… I just smiled at the time. But, as no stranger to married life myself, I can now give him the benefit of my wisdom by revealing that if he waits a couple more months, he'll discover her first name isn't actually Victoria..… it's Always!

I've also learnt some other useful tips about marriage that I'd like to share with my big brother today.

1. Never go to bed on an argument……..… Always stay up and finish it off properly.

2. Always remember to say those three little words….… &quotYou're right dear&quot.

3. The best way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it once.… believe me, it'll never happen again!

And finally, it's important to get on with your mother in law. I haven't spoken to mine for nearly two years… but it's not that I don't like her….… I just don't like to interrupt.

But, don't worry, there are plenty of upsides to married life.…
Pat, you will leave here today having gained a wife who is warm, loving and caring.

A wife who is funny, and who radiates beauty wherever she goes.
And Vicky – you're a very lucky girl as well … You'll leave today having gained..

well, erm, a gorgeous dress and a cracking bunch of flowers!

So Pat and Vicky have finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate really as Pat couldn't have done any better and Vicky certainly couldn't have done any worse.

Pat and Vicky complement each other very well. Vicky is ambitious, intelligent, highly-motivated and loves a challenge. And Pat is that challenge.

And now, in case you are wondering why I asked Patrick to put his hand on Victoria's earlier, I will tell you.

Pat, it is with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the upper hand for the last 5 minutes… I hope you made the most of it – ”cos believe me, it'll be the last time.

Finally Pat, I stand here not only as your brother, but as your friend today, and all joking aside, I'm extremely proud of you.

And to wrap up, I'd just like to say to you both, Pat and Vicky, that marriage is not about finding someone you can live with, it's about finding someone you can't live without. And you've done just that.

Congratulations!