Speech by Simon Ford

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Ford
Speech Date: Aug 2001
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm Simon and as you know I am acting as Ian's best man. However, what you probably don't know is that Ian was the best man at my wedding, and following tradition, he told a few embarrassing stories, well now its my turn. I'd like to say that my wife Joanna has vetted this speech, so if you consider any of the material inappropriate, it's her fault.

PAUSE, SLOW DOWN

Before that, I'd like to thank everyone on behalf of the bride and groom, for sharing their wedding day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. Personally, I wish you'd all stopped at home, because things would have been a lot, lot easier on me.

PAUSE

I'd also like to thank Ian for his kind words on behalf of the bridesmaids who I agree look wonderful and have done an excellent job today.

PAUSE

In spite of the nerves I agreed to be Ian's best man, and I am sure you will agree that my first duty, of getting Ian to the hotel on time, sober, dressed, and eventually married was a complete success.

PAUSE

I am now in an unusual situation in being given a free role to spend the next few minutes delving into Ian's character and past exploits.

PAUSE

You may think that it would be difficult to speak about someone who, on the outside, may seem just a little too good to be true, there was no wild stag weekend in Amsterdam to report on (…well I'll come to that later), and there is certainly no scandal about alcoholism, drug rehab or chronic gambling problems… I mean parents love him.
But today, you will discover, that contrary to what his Mum might say, Ian isn't perfect.

PAUSE

Now, Ian and Lisa met at the Faces nightclub in Nottingham. Ian had a great chat-up line; he sauntered over and told her he worked in an abattoir. Lisa was not deterred, in fact she was so impressed by Ian's patter that they shared their first romantic meal together that very night; a large doner kebab with salad and extra chillies.

PAUSE

Things went very well, a few calls were made, Ian was on cloud nine and they arranged to meet again. This time things progressed a great deal, by now Lisa was onto a chicken korma.

PAUSE

I've known Ian for about 12 years; we started hanging around together whilst supposedly ‘studying’ for our GCSEs at school. He once carried out a questionnaire for a geography project from the privacy of his own room; he obviously had a lot of people round that day. You can draw your own conclusions on whether Ian always put the effort in at school, but he only used 2 pens between the first and sixth form.

PAUSE

On the subject of girlfriends, Ian either did not have many at school or was very quiet about it, which is very unlikely for a teenager. To be honest, I was getting a bit worried about him until he met Lisa.

PAUSE

I won't say anymore about the school days, as that's all we ever talk about apparently.

PAUSE

Now for someone who did well at school and university and is practically running CMG single-handedly from what he tells me, Ian has quite a strange habit. This involves taking his pants down and showing off his bottom. The most recent example of this was at the Shelton Lock chip shop the other week after a couple of shandies. Hopefully if we stop him drinking more than 3 pints we can prevent this happening later on tonight.

PAUSE

This brings me on to the Stag Do. We were going to go to Amsterdam, but Lisa wouldn't let us; she didn't trust us for some reason. Being lads, we didn't start arranging anything until the last minute and ended up going to Newcastle, which as the lads will tell you was a fantastic night out. We started off by sampling a few pubs and ended up in a nightclub on the quayside before staggering back.

Ian may have thought I wasn't going to mention the activities of earlier on in the evening but I am. This involved the hiring of a stripper to visit Ian in one of the pubs. Ian was willing and took part until he was made to remove all of his clothes. At first he was reluctant until he saw this as another opportunity to show off his bottom. At this point, he started doing naked star jumps, which was entertaining for everyone present. One thing I would say is that Lisa must have married Ian for his money; … PAUSE … or maybe it was extremely cold in that pub. I've a brought a copy of the video (show audience) if anyone would like a laugh. The photos are on the Internet also.

PAUSE

Lisa is getting off lightly here today… that's because Ian wouldn't dish the dirt on Lisa in case she refused him his conjugal rights. However she has promised to help Ian with the washing up every now and then, which he says makes a change!

PAUSE

Jokes and funny stories aside, it is an honour to be asked to be your best man. You've been a great friend over the years and I'm sure there are many more laughs ahead of us. I also thought it was very kind of you saying that if I did a good job today, I could be the best man at your next wedding!!

PAUSE

Moving on to a few cards and messages.

PAUSE

Couple of real cards first…

I have a message here for Ian:

This special message comes to say
Hope all goes well on your wedding day
If you need advice or any tips
Call 0891 and ask for hot lips!

PAUSE

Ian, this is the happiest day of your life, well at least that's what Lisa told me earlier, and so it should be, for you have just married a beautiful, humorous and successful lady… Lisa, well, you've just married this…!!! (Show silly pictures of Ian and point out that this proves he shows off his bottom)

PAUSE

I'll pass this around afterwards so that everyone can have a good look.

PAUSE

I'd like to finish my speech by asking you to raise your glasses in a toast to Ian and Lisa on their very special day and wishing them the best for the future. We hope you have a long, happy and loving marriage.

Ian and Lisa