Speech by Simon Frooms

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Frooms
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Being asked to be best man is a bit like being asked to make love to the Queen Mum, its a great honour but nobody really wants to do it! And if there's anybody here who feels a little nervous and apprehensive, it's probably because you've just got married to ‘Groom’!

Firstly, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank ‘Groom’ for his kind words. I have to agree that they look absolutely fantastic and have done an excellent job in getting ‘Bride’ to the church on time. I would also like to thank everyone on behalf of the bride and groom, for sharing their wedding day particularly those of you who have travelled long distances. And Congratulations to ‘Bride’ and her Mum, who has put so much work into making this such a special day for everyone.

On the day any man gets married its traditional for him to be stitched up by his best man. I'd thought I'd break with that tradition today.… that was until I started writing the speech, and then I couldn't really help myself. So here goes…

I've known ‘Groom’ since we were twelve and went to school together. We lost touch during the university years, but became close friends again when ‘Groom’ moved back to the sunny south of England for his first job at XXXX Computers. Although his Dad worked there, he assures me he got the job on merit – yeah right!

Anyway, here we were, friends again and it was just like our school days, except our waistlines were bigger. Since then we've had some good laughs and some hard times. He's been there for me when I needed him and I hope he can say the same about me.

But let's go back a little further.…

During ‘Groom's’ childhood his mother worried about her son. She heard strange noises from his room. Hour upon hour he spent on his own frantically bashing away, (a habit ‘Groom’ has carried with him into his adult life)…… YES ‘Groom’ is a computer geek!

From an early age it was obvious to everyone around him that ‘Groom’ was into computers. This was to stand him in good stead as it made him a very successful internet surfer at work. Yes, you thought he was cutting that 10 million dollar deal but actually he was in a chat room downloading Rambo shoot ‘em up 6 from an obscure website in Khasakstan.

In fact when he's not surfing on the internet, he's at home – in bed – faking ….a conference call! Its got so bad that Phil's nickname at work is ‘God’ because he's so rarely seen and when he does do some work it's a miracle. Yet ‘Groom’ has got the midas touch, whatever he touches turns to gold – unlike me whatever I touch never calls me back!!!! Indeed, ‘Groom’ has been extremely successful in his career. He has reached a high level position at work and has the grey hairs to prove it.

But lets go to on more important matters – Sport. For ‘Groom’ this is the Holy Grail. Being a successful sportsman has long been an unfulfilled ambition for the young Mr. ‘Groom’. You name it he's tried it and he has the kit to prove it. ‘Groom’ is currently the proud owner of:

· A set of titanium, diamond encrusted professional golf clubs with matching outfit and bag (rarely used)
· A full gladiatorial Ice Hockey kit with imported Canadian Japanese folded steel ice skates, as yet unused
· Two Tour de France, hand made bikes with the latest NASA technology – yet to have turned a wheel
· An Everton football strip – unworn ……… but you can't blame him for that

Basically he's great at buying the kit but lacks commitment in the execution. Having said that when it comes to playing sport he's great to be around, always more than sportsmanlike in his conduct, but above all he always pays up on his bets – thanks for my new car ‘Groom’.

As you all know, ‘Groom’ has always liked to dress sharp. He wears the right labels, and is a dedicated follower of fashion. At no time was this more evident than on the Stag Night at an exclusive club in the heart of London's West End and we have the photo to prove it…(embarrassing photo from Stag Night).

Its probably most appropriate at this point for me to talk about the one thing that ‘Groom’ loves more than anything else in his life. He spends all of his time lavishing love, attention and his hard earned money on her. For three great years he's been happier than I have ever seen him before. And its all down to one person. The woman who sold ‘Groom’ his BMW M3!
Seriously of course I'm talking about ‘Bride’. ‘Groom’, I hope you realise how lucky you are to have found a woman who is gorgeous, kind, intelligent, funny, forthright and compassionate.

‘Bride’, you have found a man who is……….called ‘Groom’.

On a serious note, I know that everyone who meets ‘Groom’ enjoys his company and those who know him best think he's a thoroughly good bloke, me especially. I just hope our friendship survives this speech.

I would like to bring my speech to a conclusion by reading out some telegrams from loved ones around the world that couldn't be here today.

Dear ‘Bride’
We could have been so good together!
Love George Clooney

Dear ‘Groom’
We could have been so good together!
Love Dale Winton

Dear ‘Bride’
Keep wearing those skirts back to front, and those ladders in your tights never really show.
Love Chris & Tony from Work.

(Read other cards)

It has been a privilege and an honour to be your best man today, and I would like to take this opportunity to wish ‘Groom’ & ‘Bride’ all the happiness in the world. Ladies and Gentlemen I would ask you to charge your glasses and please be upstanding to toast the bride and groom.