Speech by Simon Gillmore

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Gillmore
Speech Date: Jul2005
For those of you who don't know me, I'm Simon, Adam's younger brother. It's great to be stood up here today because, after all these years, Adam has finally admitted that I – am the best man

I'd just like to say that my formative years were spent in the company of Adam so that means that he's had as much a part in developing my sense of humour as anyone. So, although I have tried to make this speech as funny as possible, blame him if it isnt.

When I was asked to be the best man, there were a lot of things I wanted to say like how honoured and humbled I felt. I've never been asked to do anything quite so responsible before, so I was flattered to have been asked. As time went on, and the stag do approached, and the speech needed writing, the enormity of what had been bestowed upon me became a horrible realisation, and the words I wanted to say changed from sentimental ones, to 4 letter ones. But as I stand here before you all today, I can honestly say that it has been worth it, and I am proud to be the one chosen to say a few words.

In the run-up to today, Adam and Barbara had a bit of an issue with the seating plan, because they really couldn't decide whom to put where. So as best man, I offered to step in and help work something out. What we finally decided to do was to use the wedding present list, and put those who bought the biggest items nearest the front, and work it back from there. So if they can hear me at the back there thanks to Tom & Liz for the oven glove.

Summary of Responsibilities

Apparently the best man's job consists of two tasks: The first being to make sure Adam got here on time and in decent form, sober and smart – it is my responsibility to make sure his face and hair are in order. I think that this duty is quite unfair, and have frankly just tried to do the best I could given what I had to work with, although at least his hair today is a considerable improvement on some of the styles that he has sported over the years.

If the “First Task”: is completed successfully the best man is rewarded with a “Second Task”: 5 minutes in which to assassinate the groom's character / and reveal some of the embarrassing things the groom has managed to get away with in his bachelor years.

So now I will do my best to give Adam the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of Babara's life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of Adam.

How I know Adam
So, what can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where no one can say a bad word against him? Anyway that's enough about me. I'm here to talk about Adam.
Music was one of Adams big passions; he used to play a band called Gnarff the Furry Tadpole with Mark Warner & Mark Williamson. Now I was never really that impressed by them & I don't think Mum and Dad were either as they always ensured they went out for the day whenever they came round for a band practice. Although they did actually release an album, and Adam desperately tried to make me buy a copy as he said that I'd really like it, but I knew he was just trying to double the number they'd sold so I refused. But being in the band certainly given Adam the opportunity to travel, at the height of their success they played in front of the King of Sweden and the Prince of Wales – which are two of the better pubs in Cambridge.

When we were growing up one of Adam's most notable characteristics was ….erm, the care he took with money, he'd always make his pocket money & paper round money go much further than I did. But marriage changes a man and his approach to spending is shifting. Just yesterday, while mulling over a purchase, he blurted out, ‘Well, if you've got it why not spend it! I'm not extravagant enough! It's a lot of money, but hey, you only live once! I'm going to buy this right now! I don't care how much it costs!’ I was really impressed by this. And dramatically Adam threw the packet of Jaffa cakes in the shopping trolley and marched off.

Now before I forget I think I ought to ask for everyone to keep an eye on Adam this evening as I've learnt that he's got a habit of being sick every time he drinks too much. In fact, apparently you can set your watch by it. And he doesn't mind where he's sick either as John Glasswell found out while giving Adam a lift home the morning after they'd been out drinking the night before and Adam kindly redecorated the back of John's car for him covering everyone else that was in the car too. And apparently Adam still hasn't reimbursed him for the cleaning bill. So if anyone feels the urge to buy the groom a drink this evening perhaps its best if you just buy the best man one instead.
Now onto the "Stag do" which was a real success, mostly due to the great organisation of the day. It started off with hover craft racing were he absolutely, fairly and squarely won the competition outright, no hint of everyone else driving slowly just to let him win.
And after the racing we went to dinner then to a nightclub. Once we got to the night-club there was no stopping him, straight onto the dance floor, rhythm and style being of very little importance. You may, or may not be aware that we're having a disco a bit later on so I'll leave it up to Adam to embarrass himself all over again.

Thank You's and Toasts

On a more serious note let me say that the bridesmaids look absolutely stunning today, and only rightly outshone by our bride, Barbara. And, I'm sure you'll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I'm sure you'll agree that today's passing by without much of a ripple. So could we put our hands together for Barbara and the bridesmaids.

I'd also like to thank all the organisers for their hard work in preparing this wedding. I think you'll all agree it is a fantastic venue, has been organised meticulously.

And I'd like to thank everyone here for attending. It still amazes me how far people will travel for a free meal and some complimentary booze.

There are obviously two very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible. Many of us will know them pretty well already, and the great thing is that as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with them. So please join me in a very special toast – to the bar staff.

Final Toast….And Relax

Joking aside now, when Adam told me he had asked Barbara to marry him, I was obviously delighted, They are the nicest, most perfectly suited couple.
I wish them all the happiness in the world.
Ladies and Gentlemen would you now do me the honour of standing……..…

………and raising your glasses to; Mr and Mrs Gillmore