Speech by Simon Graham

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Graham
Speech Date: oct 2003
Best Man's Speech for Mid

Good afternoon Ladies, Gentleman, Boys, Girls, and Chris. I hope you're all having a good time today. I certainly was until 10 seconds ago.

They say that the best man's speech is the worst 5 minutes of the groom's day – unfortunately Jo, your worst five minutes will probably come later tonight, after the disco has closed!

Chris told me yesterday that his speech was going to be a bit longer than the usual groom's speech. After reading through his speech last night, I feared that it would be difficult for me to follow, and I was right…I couldn't follow a word of it!

On with proceedings, my name is Simon, also known as Fish, and I'm Chris's best man.

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Chris for his kind and thoughtful words. I'm sure we all agree that not only do the bridesmaids look fantastic, but they have done a brilliant job today – not the least of which was getting Jo to the church – I understand she put up quite a struggle!

My thanks to Ryan, the best boy, who looked after the rings and has basically done my job so far- in fact, you may as well read this out too!
I'd also like to thank both Chris and Jo for allowing me to make a complete fool of myself – just for a change. They say that marriage is for better or for worse, well Chris you certainly could not have done any better and Jo you couldn't have.… done…..any

Ladies and Gents, I've known Christopher Richard Middleton for nearly 30 years, which is the same as two life sentences, which may have been easier. We first met at Radyr Primary School, in Mrs Evans reception class, and it was during these early years that Chris found his first true love – Southampton Football Club, and his first true loss – his hair!

Even at that early age, Chris had a keen interest in sports, particularly football, and it wasn't long before he was picked for the school football team. Although he tried hard, Chris found it difficult to establish himself and he failed to perform adequately in any position – I hope Jo has more luck with him later.

Back to the story, we both progressed through primary school and onto Radyr Comprehensive School. Unfortunately, I wasn't in Chris’ remedial classes but I'm told that he was an ideal pupil who excelled in most subjects……sorry, Chris was an IDLE pupil who was EXPELLED from most subjects!

Chris once asked the careers officer ‘What do you think I'll be when I leave school?’ to which the careers officer replied ‘About 28!’

Chris developed a love for music – well Jon Bon Jovi anyway – just a shame you could never grow hair like him! Sadly, Jon got married and so Chris turned his affections elsewhere, he discovered the lovely, voluptuous Belinda Carlisle.

Now Belinda once sang that Heaven is a place on earth, but as far as Chris was concerned, heaven was a 3-inch square photo of Belinda stuck ‘conveniently’ on his bedside cabinet! In fact Jo, have you checked his bedside cabinet recently?

Despite the distractions of Belinda's bedside photo, Chris managed to obtain his required grades and progressed onto Swansea University – home of the infamous Mumbles Mile pub crawls – and it's good to see some of Chris’ old uni mates here today, just proves how far people will go for a free meal and a glass of bubbly!

Chris quickly adapted to the west walian lifestyle, and although a staunch Cardiff City supporter, he would also go along to The Vetch to see Swansea City play whenever he could. He actually persuaded me to go along with him once (well he paid me actually!) – to see Swansea play in a European tie against AC Monaco. It was a close game, and Swansea were unlucky to finish the game as narrow losers, with the final scoreline
2-1.

The announcement then came over the tannoy that the second leg would be played in Monaco a fortnight later – and Swansea's army of supporters (including Chris!) were encouraged to fly over and support their team in what promised to be a close and intensely fought second leg. Unfortunately, Swansea lost 10 nil!

Moving swiftly on, Chris left university with a degree in history, which he used to great effect in a number of jobs including telephone receptionist, local Spar attendant, and chief table cleaner at Littlewood's restaurant.

He then hit the jackpot, by landing every man's dream job – a beer salesman! Not only that, but he met his beautiful bride to be, Jo.
It soon became apparent that they would make a smashing couple – although being as they both work for a brewery, perhaps a smashed couple is more appropriate!

It's at this point that I turn to the recent stag weekend in Munich. Now, I honestly didn't know when I booked the hotel that it was located in the centre of the red light district.

My main task as best man on the stag weekend was to ensure that Chris stayed out of trouble, had a good time, and was safely in bed in one piece every night.
Well Jo, rest assured, Chris was in bed early every night and slept like a baby…by that I mean he wet the bed three times and woke up every hour screaming for his mummy!

As most of us had not been to Germany before, we decided, Chris in particular, that we would extend the hand of friendship to the residents of Munich wherever possible.
On our second night in Munich, Chris and a few of the others went to a bar close to our hotel. Seeing a German man sitting at the bar on his own, Chris went over to talk to him and provide some company. His name was Martin.

Chris and Martin soon struck up a rapport, although Martin did seem a little pre-occupied, which Chris assumed was because Martin felt lonely.
Being the compassionate chap that he is, Chris repeatedly asked Martin to come and have a drink with him, spend the rest of evening with him and also to come to the football with us the next day.

30 minutes into the conversation, Chris felt a tap on his shoulder from our good friend Ed, sitting over there. Ed pointed to the walls, which were covered from floor to ceiling in photos of bare chested men with moustaches and leather trousers.
Not only had Chris found probably the only gay bar in Munich, but he had spent 30 minutes chatting up one of the regulars!

Unfortunately, Martin cannot be here today Chris, but he has sent over a little present to remind you of your stay in Munich.

PULL OUT WHIP AND PASS TO MID

Still on the subject of Munich, I decided as best man that it would be a good idea if I provided some tee shirts, with our names on and perhaps a photo of Chris on for us all to wear on the trip.

Upon researching this, I discovered that you can produce shirts at home using a home computer and some special transfer paper. After making the shirts, I was left with a few sheets of paper leftover. I thought it would be a shame to waste these so I've made both Chris and Jo a shirt each to commemorate this special day.

GIVE SHIRTS TO JO AND MID

I'd like to thank Chris's parents for digging out the old photos of Chris. There was one particular lovely photo of Chris at the seaside, sitting on a donkey, face painted like a clown, with an ice cream in one hand, candyfloss in the other, and crying his eyes out. I was going to show you today, but thought it would be a little bit embarrassing – after all, Chris was 23!

I keep calling him Chris, but as most of you know Chris has a couple of nicknames – I've always called him Mid – as in short for Middleton, but his work mates call him Skully! I assumed this was because as the years go by and the hair keeps falling out, he seems to expose more and more of his skull – but apparently it's after a character in The X-Files?!?! Seems okay, but how many British blokes do you know who are named after a female american detective?!

Another fond memory I have of Chris, is from our friend Edward's stag trip to Budapest, or more specifically the journey home. Upon arriving back at Heathrow, we went back to the car where Chris offered to go and pay for the carpark whilst we put his luggage in the boot.

20 minutes later, we were starting to become a little concerned as Chris had not yet returned. One of our friends, Steve, decided to go and look for him. 10 minutes, Steve returned, saying that he had found Chris in an uncompromising position and could we pass him his bag.

Now, I don't know what Chris had to eat the night before, but let's just say that there's never a public toilet around when you need one. I just feel sorry for the poor car park attendant who must have found Chris's ‘less than fresh’ pants.

There are many other great stories about Chris – too many to mention today, but very briefly Chris, do you remember:

New Year's Eve 1991 – when you had a few too many babycham's and, a little afraid of what your parents may say, you spent the cold winter's night sleeping under a tarpaulin at Radyr Tennis Club,

Or, the night you somehow lost your trousers and shoes in town, and walked into Burger King in the centre of Cardiff – dressed in pants and vest, to a crescendo of laughter and a standing ovation from all the clubgoers inside,

Or, the opening day of the Rugby World Cup in 1999, when you took a fancy to a chrome chair outside Sam's bar in Cardiff, so you placed it on your head and walked around the corner – straight into a policeman, who marched you back to the pub like a naughty schoolboy,

Or, the fact that you used to take an extraordinary amount of time to eat your packed lunch – a lunch hour would never be long enough, and you would have to finish your lunch walking home from school at 4.00. This could be something to do with Sylvia's lovely slabs of homemade cake, that were usually bigger than a small bungalow!

This is why we've decided to have the speeches before the food – otherwise we'd all still be here on Sunday!

And now onto today, I'd like to thank you all for coming on what has been a very happy and emotional day – I mean, even the cake's in tiers!

Marriage is a wonderful tradition, and in a world where there is often so much anger and hatred, it is always heartening to see a couple like Chris and Jo, who are obviously so deeply in love with each other, exchanging their vows in front of so many family and friends.

I've been lucky enough to have been best man a few times before (although by now you're probably all wondering why!), and each time I have been strangely overcome by seeing my best friend's one by one commit themselves to spending the rest of their lives with their new partners.

I like to think that as best man I'm helping them on that long and happy road to married bliss.
Saying that, one of mates got divorced a year later, and the other two are sitting over there, with their wives, so I'd probably better shut up!

I'm sure you'll all agree with me when I say that Jo looks like one in a million today, and Chris – won in a raffle! ! In fact Jo, this must be like deja-vu for you. I mean it wasn't that long ago that your mum and dad were sending you off to bed with a dummy…and now it's happening all over again!

All joking aside, Chris has been a tremendous friend to me over the years. He's loyal, reliable, trustworthy, and perhaps most importantly of all, he works for a brewery so he gets free beer. I'm positive that Chris and Jo will have many happy years ahead of them – hopefully with each other!

Although you won't believe it looking at me, I've been married for nearly 7 years now to my very lucky wife, Julie, and couldn't let the day pass without offering you both a little advice from an old married man:

Jo, marriage begins when you sink into Chris's arms, and continues with your arms in his sink.

Remember that men are like a fine wine. They start out like grapes, then you stamp on them until they mature into something you want to have dinner with.

Chris, women are also like a fine wine. They start out very fresh, fruity and vibrant, then turn full bodied and go sour and vinegary, and then they give you a headache!

Once again, I'd like to thank you both for asking me to be best man today, and to thank you all for coming and helping to make my job such an absolute pleasure.

I'd also like to thank Jo's parents for such a wonderful spread of food and drink that we're all about to enjoy – don't worry, I'll only be another 20 minutes!
Chris, not only have you gained a wife, you now also have a mother-in-law. Personally, I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 3 years now – I don't like to interrupt her.

The old jokes are the best eh?!

So, intelligent, witty, good looking, and funny – but that's enough about me! Chris, you are what I can only describe as a true friend, one that I have always been able to fully count upon, and one that I know will make a great husband, and one day a fantastic father.

I wish you both all the happiness and love in the world in your new life together, and on that note, Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, please be upstanding in raising a toast to the bride and groom – Mr and Mrs Middleton!

THE END!