Speech by Simon Graham

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Graham
Speech Date: oct 2003

Good afternoon Ladies, Gentleman and Edward. My name is Simon, also known as Fish – but please don't ask why, and I'm Edward's best man. Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Ed for his kind words. I'd also like to thank both Ed and Elise for asking me to stand up here and make a complete fool of myself. It's been four years since Ed was my best man and the revenge has been well worth the wait!

Anyway, I've known Edward Andrew Paul Baldy Mitchell for over 25 years. You may find it hard to believe but in those joyful, innocent Primary School days Edward had more than four strands of hair on his head. Don't believe me? Well, I have photographic evidence to prove it!

Photo 1 display.

You'll also notice that our keen Welshman, Mr Mitchell, is wearing an ENGLAND strip!! Can you explain Ed?!

We were both keen scholars as you can imagine, although our primary school teachers must have been appalling judges of character as they placed Edward and I in change of the school bank!! This, inevitably resulted in a short spell in Borstal – just kidding!!

Onward we progressed, onto Radyr Comprehensive where again Edward was an ideal pupil who excelled in most subjects. Sorry, that should have read, Edward was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects!!

I remember Ed being a very happy and popular scholar, every lunchtime he would stroll amongst the school grounds, smiling and waving at everybody within 50 yards.

It was only later that I realised that he didn't recognise anybody because his eyesight was so bad. He would smile at everyone, just in case he knew them!!

It was during our latter years at Radyr Comprehensive that Ed's poor vision got him in a spot of bother once again. Ed and I had, by this time, become ‘closet’ smokers. During one particular secret smoking break, I alerted Ed to his fast approaching sister, Lorna, in the distance. Ed immediately placed his lit cigarette in his coat pocket and waited for Lorna to pass. “Hello Lorna” said Ed, and as Lorna passed by, Ed smiled to himself and muttered, “Phew, got away with it, suckers!”. Ed then felt a searing hot sensation in his pocket – not for the first time! Upon realising that he was on fire, he started to leap around looking for the nearest puddle. Unfortunately, Ed's jumping around like a pogo stick caused his brand new glasses to fall off his head and shatter on the floor. Who'd have thought that smoking was bad for your eyesight!

One more occasion where Ed's eyesight let him down was when Ed and I were in town one evening. Whilst walking down past Ed's dad's bookshop, Ed noticed a light on in the shop. Fearing the worst, Ed marched up to the shop window, stood face to face with the intruder and demanded, “Who the hell are you?” – it was his Dad!!

Ed left school and took a year out to decide upon a chosen career. Doctor – no. Teacher – no. Surgeon – no. Gynaecologist – maybe! Ed just couldn't make up his mind. So he became chief burger maker at Wimpy. This however didn't last long. On one occasion Ed was asked to dress up as Mr Wimpy for a children's party. In those days, Ed required padding to help fill out his costume, these days I don't think it would be required!! Upon entering the party, Ed bellowed out “Hello children” to which most of the kids started to cry and run to their parents in shock. Ed hadn't realised that Mr Wimpy couldn't talk!

Undeterred, Ed then became a Security Guard which lasted a credible THREE weeks! On the night Ed got sacked he was on night duty at a building site on a student complex. During Ed's customary 7-hour ‘nap’, the students ransacked the site, and laid all the building materials on the complex in a line stretching for 150 metres. Ed then awoke, took one look at the carnage and decided to leave before he was pushed!

Back to the drawing board. Ed considered his career options once more. He thought of becoming a carpenter, making furniture and chairs etc, but one look at this photo convinced Ed that his skills lay in other areas!!

Photo 2 display.

“I know”, said Ed, “I'll become a make-up artist”. Once again, the photo shows that Ed's lipstick skills leave a lot to be desired!!

Photo 3 display.

Ed eventually chose a career in Law and studied at Brunel University where he met our good friends, Phil, Kish, Mark and Andy. I did ask the four of them for stories of Ed's university days to relay in my speech and will be selling these later at £9.99 per copy – remember these stories are not available in the shops!! They did however come up with a few tales and I quote as follows. I would also like to add that I take no responsibility whatsoever for the following:

During the winter months at Uni, when we couldn't afford the heating we would rely on Ed's innovative idea of producing extra heat by lighting his farts.
Ed was the only one of us to get his ugly mug (after his Grade O haircut) in the Uni paper under the headlines, “BNP Recruits on Campus” – though Ed still keeps on stressing that it was a case of mistaken identity.
Ed loved his body so much that he used to do the Full Monty on return from our drunken nights out and sometimes during!
Ed would always leave his mark wherever he went – sometimes it would be a broken window, other times it would be a deposit in the River Thames!

Thanks boys, I'm sure Ed appreciated that trip down memory lane!!

Now, back to the plot:-

Not long after leaving University, Ed met his beautiful bride-to-be, Elise.

Rather uniquely, Ed and Elise first met at Cardiff Magistrates Court, where Ed was on a charge of soliciting – sorry, Ed was in charge as a solicitor. Elise quickly got to know Ed's ‘sense of humour’ when prior to an afternoon's drinking and watching the rugby with the rest of us, Ed ate 7 pickled eggs, hoping that they would ferment in his stomach and provide us all with Ed's own pleasant smell!! They did ferment, but 6 hours too late – Elise had to move to the spare bedroom to escape the aroma of Ed's special brew!!

At this point, I feel I should also warn Elise of what she might expect should Ed not get his own way. Once more, the camera never lies!!

Photo 4 display.

Moving swiftly on to the recent stag weekend in Budapest. I would love to divulge to you the happenings of that weekend, but this morning I received several death threats from certain individuals. One thing I can mention is that on the first night we sampled the local tipple – entitled Unicum which can only be described as a cross between Syrup of Figs and Castrol GTX. In fact, it reminded me of a female Russian shotputter – totally revolting but very strong!! It was after several Unicums that Ed rediscovered his rather camp Heavy Metal days. This brings me to my last two photos of the day which once again show Ed in all his true splendour.

Photo 5 and 6 display.

I'd like to point out that despite what it may look like, I did not succumb to Ed's advances!!

Small pause to let people recover from hysterical side-splitting laughter.

Now onto the serious stuff. Once again, I would like to thank the new Mr and Mrs Mitchell for asking me to be best man. It's been a fantastic and emotional day – I mean – even the cake's in tiers!! Ed, well done mate – place your hand directly on top of Elise's and savour the moment – for it's the last time you will ever have the upper hand!!

Ed – a word of advice from an old married man. Love your new wife with all your heart, but learn to bite your lip occasionally. A recent example of keeping schtum was when a mate of mine received a phone call from his new wife. “Honey, I've broken down” “What's the probem?”, my friend enquired. “Well, the garage said there's water in the carbareter”, she informed him. “Where's the car now then?”, he replied. “Umm, in the lake!!”.

Elise, remember, men are like a fine wine. They start out like grapes, then you stamp on them til they mature into something you want to have dinner with.

Ed – Women are also like a fine wine. They start out fresh and fruity, then turn full-bodied until they go sour and vinegary and then they give you a headache!!

I would also like to thank Elise's parents, Mike and Marie, for a wonderful spread and thank you to all of you for coming along today and being such a wonderful and responsive audience. You've made my job today an absolute pleasure.

But before I go, I'd like to thank two special people here today, who we all have the utmost respect for and without whom we would probably not be here today – THE BARSTAFF!!

Now to the happy couple. Elise I am sure you will all agree looks one in a million and Ed – won in a raffle!!

Seriously though. Ed, you're a great bloke and a true friend (until today!). I hope that we can be equally as close for the next 25 years when maybe I'll be joining you in the Hair Loss Clinic.

I wish you both all the happiness in the world in your new life together and, on that note, Ladies and Gentleman, please be upstanding in raising a toast to the Bride and Groom, Mr and Mrs Mitchell.

** THE END **