Speech by Simon Graham

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Graham
Speech Date: oct 2003
Best Man's Speech for Mikey Boy

Good afternoon Ladies, Gentleman, and Mike. I hope you're all having a good time today.. I certainly was until 10 seconds ago.

Firstly, my greatest fear has borne true for I always feared that it would be difficult to follow Mike's speech, and I was right…I couldn't follow a word of it!

On with proceedings, my name is Simon, also known as Fish, and I'm Mike's best man for the day. Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Mike for his kind and thoughtful words. I'd also like to thank both Mike and Catharine for asking me to be their best man, they are obviously appalling judges of character! Funny, because Mike told me earlier that if I made a good job of today then I'd be his first choice at his next wedding!

Despite my cool, calm appearance today, I have to admit that I have suffered a few nerves about delivering a speech that will do justice to such a great event. In fact, I can tell you that this is the seventh time today that I've got up from a warm seat with a few sheets of paper in my hand! Anyway, I thought it best that I prepare a few lines, and having snorted those I feel fine! My only concern is that Catharine's colleagues at HTV are filming the whole performance. As our friend Ed put it, ‘I expect we'll see you on ‘When speeches go bad part 4!”

My first reaction when asked to be best man was to purchase a book – How to be the best, Best man. Unfortunately, as mike only asked me last night, I haven't had a chance to fully digest it yet, so please bear with me….(Open Book)…Ahem. Page 1.It is vital for the best man to retain a clear and sober head throughout the entire day..(throw book to one side and take a slurp). Well I might as well sit down now in that case!

Anyway, I'm only going to speak for a few minutes because of my throat. If I go on too long, then Catharine has threatened to cut it!

Moving on, I've known Michael ‘Peugeot 205′ Williams for about 3 weeks now, which means he's my oldest friend!
I'm joking of course, it's been at least a month.

Seriously though, I don't know much about Mike's childhood before Comprehensive School but I'm told that Mike wasn't exactly an UGLY baby, but his mother suffered morning sickness AFTER he was born! I'm also told that Mike wasn't like the other 5 year olds when he started school – he was eleven! Moving on, Mike and I first met at Radyr Comprehensive School at about age 13 (aaah!), where young Michael was an ideal pupil who excelled in most subjects.… Sorry, Michael was an IDLE pupil who was EXPELLED from most subjects!

Despite his obvious inadequacies, Mike resisted a life of child crime and stuck it out at Radyr Comprehensive. Indeed, Mike became a keen sportsman, and it was at the age of 14 that he first discovered his hard balls, sorry…hard cricket balls..but more of Mike's love of cricket later!
Mike became established in the both the school rugby and football team, but unfortunately he couldn't establish himself or perform adequately in any position….Catharine, I hope you have more luck!

Moving on, and skipping a few years (largely because I don't want to incriminate myself), Mike found himself with a choice between furthering his education at university, or seeking employment. So Mike became a double-glazing salesman.

Feeling slightly underachieved, it was at this time that I once found Mike staring at his CV and realised that there was something missing from his life – qualifications! Unfortunately, I have very little material with regard to Mike's 3 years as a Student, and everybody I've spoken to seem to have little or no memory of Mike's years as a student – including Mike. His snooker skills did improve dramatically though over this period.

But miracles do happen, and Mike obtained his degree in sports and leisure from Cheltenham University, which is no mean feat for a 30 a day smoker! I suspect that it was the ‘leisure’ part of the course that pulled Mike through!

As I previously mentioned, Mike is a keen cricketer, and whilst composing this speech it suddenly dawned on me that there are several analogies that link Mike to the great sport at which we, sorry England, are so bad at!

Firstly, after a thorough and sometimes baffling selection process, Mike met Catharine. Liking what he saw, he used all his grit and determination to bowl his maiden over. This came as a bit of a surprise as a few of us thought that Mike was batting for the other side!
Secondly, after spending his teenage years honing his stroke play – in particular his wrist action, Mike played a hard, firm straight drive, broke all boundaries and hit Catherine for six.
Thirdly, he gave his balls a good spit and polish, hit her with a googly, and got caught from behind.
He then examined the crease, made a last stand lasting 30 minutes, and was 69 not out when he stopped for tea.
My only concern is that tomorrow morning Mike will wake up after their first night of married life, turn to Catharine and say, HOWZAT! Or even worst – what do you think of my Dickie Bird?!

Unfortunately, a knee injury cut short Mike's promising career as a sportsman, and he has had to endure several operations on his leg over the past few years. A very painful procedure, which according to Mike ‘Hurt like Buggery’ – I wouldn't know. Actually, his knee is not the only problem that has resulted in a hospital visit for Mike. I recently discovered that Mike spent four days in the premature ejaculation unit – apparently it was touch and go at one stage.

It's at this point that I turn to the recent stag weekend in Majorca, organised in part by our good Spanish friend Jesus. Now I don't know whether it's because we're now all into our thirties, but believe it or not there are no stories of drunken debauchery for me to tell you – you'll have to wait for my autobiography – either that or buy me a beer later! In fact, my strongest memory of the whole weekend involved Jesus, a native Spaniard, who took great pleasure in teaching us certain Spanish phrases, and explaining the local culture, etc. On entering a local nightclub, Jesus insisted on arguing, sorry, negotiating a group discount with the nightclub bouncers. In fact, following Jesus’ intervention, it only cost a couple of Euros each to get in. Well done Jesus, we all thought – until we realised that it was in fact free to get in!

My main task as best man on the stag weekend was to ensure that Mike stayed out of trouble, had a good time, and was safely in bed in one piece every night. Well Catharine, rest assured, Mike was in bed early every night and slept like a baby…by that I mean he wet the bed three times and woke up every hour screaming for his mummy!

Another stag night memory I have of Mike is from our good friend Edward's stag weekend in Budapest last year. Now aside from the ridiculously cheap cigarettes and alcohol, Budapest is known for it's natural bath spas. We decided it only fair that we experience the mineral waters of the spa and spent a morning relaxing in the impressive complex of swimming pools, saunas, and steam rooms, etc. As this was planned well before we left Cardiff, everyone remembered to pack a pair of swimming trunks…everyone that is, except Mike, whose solution to this predicament was to wear a pair of white cotton boxer shorts. I'm sure you're all aware of the effect that water has on white cotton…so I'll say no more! Let me just say that Mike resembled a takeaway roast dinner – meat and two veg wrapped in cling film.

Small pause to let people recover from hysterical side splitting laughter… oops sorry!

You know, it's amazing the amount of material that you manage to unearth when you start to compile a best man's speech. Material on Mike was available in abundance, in fact this speech was originally 2 hrs and 16 minutes long, so I had to cut out a lot of humorous and embarrassing stories. So Mike, you can breathe a sigh of relief that I won't be mentioning your first day at Eversheds when for some reason you told everyone you were gay;
Or your first school trip at Radyr Comprehensive when certain appendages popped out of your shorts in front of all your classmates – hence your nickname ‘Bollock’;
Or the time your mother found you asleep in the bathroom with your trousers around your ankles;
Or the time you wet yourself during a drunken visit to Bessemer Road market;
Or the time you walked into the barbers after a Six Nations game and asked for, and got, a Craig Quinnell cut;
Your beloved Big Country and Wurzels record collection – very rock n'roll Mike!
Then there's the time you went to a beer festival at 2.00pm and was asked to leave by 3.30pm,….I could go on, but then I'll have nothing to talk about tonight!

And now onto today.… I'd like to thank you all for coming along to celebrate the marriage of Mike and Catharine. I'm sure you'll agree that it's been a wonderful and emotional day, I mean, even the cake's in tiers! I was speaking to Catharine's father earlier, and he said that it seemed like only yesterday that Catharine was tucked up in bed with a dummy – some things never change, eh?!

Mike, place your hand on top of Catharine's and savour the moment, for it's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand!

But turning to the happy couple, I'm sure you'll agree that Catherine looks absolutely stunning, and Mike…stunned. No, I must say that Mike also looks rather splendid today, even if he has copied my outfit!

Catharine, just remember, men are like a fine wine. They start out like grapes, then it's your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you want to have dinner with.
Mike, women are also like a fine wine. They start out all fresh, fruity, and intoxicating to the mind, then turn full bodied with age until they go sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache!

But on a serious note, Mike has been a true friend to me over the past 15 plus years, and I have so many great memories of good times spent together – even if most of them are alcohol related! I speak from the heart when I say that it's been a true pleasure to have known him, and also a great honour to be able to stand up here and make a fool of myself on this great occasion.

I have no doubts that Mike and Catharine have a blissfully happy future together, and on that note, may I ask you to join me in standing and raising a glass to the bride and groom, Mike and Catharine Evan-Williams.