Speech by Simon Graham

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Graham
Speech Date: oct 2003
BEST MAN'S SPEECH FOR :
SIMON RICHARD GRAHAM

Good afternoon Ladies, Gentleman and Daniel.

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Dan for his kind and thoughtful words. I'd also like to thank both Daniel and Gaynor for asking me to stand up here and make a fool of myself. Believe me Daniel, revenge will be sweet!

Anyway, I've known Mr Daniel “Harley Davidson” Mathieu for nearly twenty years, which I am sure you will appreciate is a very long time. It was during his early days that he experienced both his first true love, Clint Eastwood, and his first true loss, his hair. What made his hair loss even more tragic was the fact that in those dark days before plastic surgery, Dan's ears resembled a cross between Martin Clunes and the F.A. Cup!

Undeterred, Telly Savalas, sorry, Daniel, continued on life's great adventure, progressing through Comprehensive School. Unfortunately, as I was a childhood genius, I wasn't in Daniel's remedial classes. However, I've been told that he was an ideal pupil who excelled in most subjects – Sorry, that should read: He was an IDLE pupil who was EXPELLED from most subjects!

Whilst in his latter years at Radyr Comprehensive Dan decided to pursue a career in Her Majesty's Police Force. Unfortunately, you have to be at least 5ft 8” to enter the Police Force, so Dan became a Car Salesman instead!

It was during Dan's “Frank Butcher” days that he met his beautiful bride, Gaynor. That was the last I saw of Daniel until yesterday. Just kidding – but it was quite a while before Dan finally surfaced for air and I realised what a smashing couple they make. I say “smashing” but maybe “smashed” would be more appropriate as they seemed to spend every available hour in the pub.

As Daniel bid a fond farewell to his teenage years, I found myself fortunate enough to share a flat with him. It was then that I experienced Dan's love for Gaynor first hand, and it became apparent to me that Gaynor would become Dan's wife. I didn't realise though that it would take Daniel another TEN years to finally pop the question!

It was also during our time in the flat that Daniel discovered another use for the shower curtain rail. Unfortunately, I couldn't smuggle one in today, but suffice to say that Dan fancies himself as a bit of a Freddie Mercury with the curtain rail as his microphone stand. Shame he couldn't grow the moustache.

It was around this time that I also met my beautiful wife-to-be, Julie. Now Julie quickly realised what a superb catch I was and suggested that we buy a place together to which I willingly agreed.

Sadly, to save money for our house deposit, I moved back to my parent's home, and Daniel and I got divorced. However, Dan still used to regularly stay the night at my parents house, where he developed his habit of naked sleepwalking. One such time, my mother was awoken by a strange shadowy figure, standing at the end of my parent's bed. She awoke my father who, on turning on the light, discovered a totally naked Mr Daniel Mathieu stood gently swaying in the corner. Luckily, neither of my parents had their glasses on so there was little to see.

Fortunately, in the years since, Daniel has finally reached puberty. This became apparent on Dan's recent stag weekend in Newquay when his ‘long-hidden’ passion for cross-dressing was finally uncovered. It's at this point that I would like to present Daniel, or should I saw DANIELLE, with a momento of our stay in Cornwall three weeks ago.

PRESENT DAN WITH T-SHIRT

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As the song goes, “There is nothing like a Dame!” and doesn't he make a pretty one. In fact, towards the end of the night, after several barrels of lager, I stumbled across our good friend James whispering ‘sweet nothings’ into Danielle's ear – but then again, that's nothing new.

The weekend proved to be a novel experience for Daniel. As the picture on the t-shirt shows, Daniel couldn't possibly be happier. This is either because he had drunk enough to keep George Best happy for a week, or it could be because Daniel felt a wave of thick, blonde hair on his head for the first time since Infant School. Just to keep you smiling Dan, I would like to pass this gift on to you.

GIVE WIG

As I mentioned earlier, Daniel is a big fan of the silver screen, in particular Clint Eastwood. To quote one of Clint's most famous characters, Dirty Harry, I wonder if tomorrow morning Daniel will lay back and say to his new bride, “Honey, did I fire 6 shots or only 5?”

SMALL PAUSE TO LET PEOPLE SETTLE DOWN & RECOVER FROM HYSTERICAL, SIDE-SPLITTING LAUGHTER!!!

??READ CARDS HERE??

Now onto the serious stuff. Once again, I'd like to thank Mr and Mrs Daniel Mathieu for the honour of being Best Man. This is my first experience as Best Man, and a slightly nerve-wracking experience to say the least. I only hope that I have done justice to such a wonderful and emotional day. I mean, even the cake is in tiers.

I'd also like to thank Mac and Barbara for such a wonderful spread of food and drink. Daniel, not only have you gained a wife, you now also have a mother-in-law. Personally, I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for two years – I don't like to interrupt her.

But there are two special people here today, who we all have the utmost respect for and without whom we would probably not be here today – the barstaff.

Now – to the Happy Couple. Gaynor, I'm sure you'll agree looks like one in a million and Daniel – won in a raffle!!

Seriously though, Dan you've been a true mate over the years, a top bloke who I could call my brother and whom I love dearly – TO AUDIENCE – Don't get the wrong idea!!

I wish you both every possible happiness in your new life together and, on that note, Ladies and Gentlemen, please join me in standing and raising a glass to Gaynor and Daniel Mathieu, the bride and groom!

THE END – HURRAY!!!!!!