Speech by Simon Hall

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Hall
Speech Date: May 2002

FORMALITIES
Ladies and gentlemen for those who don't know me my name is Simon.

It is my great privilege to act as Kev's best man today, and if I do a good job he's told me I can be best man at the next one. Sorry, they don't get any better than that.

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids and ushers I would like to thank Tina and Kevin for their gifts and compliments, and also for Kev's kind words. As I am sure you will agree, the bridesmaids look absolutely wonderful today, so lets hear it for them.

[INITIATE ROUND OF APPLAUSE]

INTRO
Now, the best man's speech is isn't the easiest thing I've had to do in my life, but I must admit that I have done a bit of public speaking before. Most recently at a spring BBQ for the West Yorkshire Naturist Group, where I endeared myself immediately by revealing my vast…

[COMEDY PAUSE]

…knowledge of the history or naturism. And before that to the Hebden Bridge District Haemorrhoid Sufferers Society – a stand up buffet function. So to those of you who have heard this speech twice already, Joel and Anthony, I apologise.

But, if you do get bored at any time, there are envelopes on every table that you might find more entertaining than listening to me. Please don't all open them at once.

[WAIT UNTIL RUSTLING HAS STOPPED!]

HAIR
I think you'll agree that my first task as best man, getting Kev dressed and to the church on time, was a complete success. That may sound like I'm congratulating myself but if you've ever called round for Kev on your way out on a Friday night, and then been forced to wait for him to get through his beautification routine, you can appreciate how difficult it is to get him anywhere on time.

Something Tina knows all about. Before their first date had even started, Kev made Tina wait for three-quarters of an hour while he styled and shaped his hair into what can only be described as a less-than lady-killer bouffant flat-top.

JOKES
Anyway, style icons aside, when Kev asked me to be his best man I was really did feel very proud and honoured. I was truly bowled over and in my emotional state I foolishly agreed that I wouldn't give too many of Kev's embarrassing secrets away here today – so, I'd better ditch those now.

[THROW AWAY MOST OF PROMPT CARDS]

I also thought I'd steer well clear of any jokes relating to Kev's height. They're far too obvious, and besides I've always looked up to Kev…except when he's sitting down.

SCHOOL
I first met Kev some 17 years ago, at Calder High School, and it was here that the roots of our solid friendship were formed. We shared the same passions – music, girls and our undying support for Halifax Town Football Club. Some things are beyond comprehension and explanation.

The good memories from school are too numerous, and for most of you, too boring to talk about in any detail. But to give Kev a quick blast from the past I'll reel off list:

Falcon hair spray
cricket in the Langdales
Claire & Gemma
mushroom quiche
Edie Brickell
antiseptic throat spray

SINGING
But one of the most memorable school moments came when Kev, myself and a group of friends decided to put together an acapella band for a 6th Form revue concert.

It's been said that if you put a monkey in a room with a typewriter and let it randomly tap away at the keys, in a million years the monkey would write the complete works of Shakespeare. What you don't hear so often is that if you put five teenage boys in the 6th Form toilets every break and lunchtime to randomly practice singing, after 3 months they'd still sound like a group of monkeys when they came back out.

At the time, it didn't seem odd that a group of pubescent boys would spend their every free moment at school singing their hearts outs within inches of a row of stinking urinals. God help the anyone unlucky enough to need the toilet while we were in there. There was no stopping us.

So, for the first time ever, prepare your ears for a public airing of one of the early ‘Fiveplay’ practice sessions. Listen to the creative genius at work…

[PLAY SHORT SEGMENT OF TAPE]

Despite what you've just heard, the acapella group was genuinely a big success, we went down a storm, and we've all dined out on stories about it over the years. I mean, we were going to be bigger than Take That.

COLLEGE
After school we went our separate ways to Polytechnic – yes, it was that long ago – but always kept in constant touch. At least, we spent the college holidays together in our favourite Hebden Bridge drinking holes.

PARKNOTTS
But if we thought our friendship was going to become dependant on alcohol, we were well wide of the mark, mostly. In the summer of 1993 we both signed up for temporary jobs at Parknotts, a small chemical factory near Bradford. The following summer we were Parknotts’ second and third longest serving employees, and had spent the best part of a year making washing-up liquid, fabric conditioner and pet shampoo.

It's a testimony to the strength and nature of our friendship that during one of the most depressing and soul destroying jobs, working day in, day out together, we still managed to make each other laugh. In fact, the only thing we could find to argue about was whose turn it was to drive the forklift truck.

[FUMBLE AROUND IN POCKET, TO PULL OUT CAR KEYS]

And if you were wondering Kev, yes it was me who hid the keys.

WORDS
Now in the course of deciding what to say in the few minutes I've got up here, I canvassed a few of Kev's friends to describe him in one word. Most of them responded with two, but here are the rest anyway:

ACCESSIBLE
WITTY
CHARMER
ROCK
LEADER
DEVIANT
CONSIDERED
and of course, TALL

Some people have no imagination.

But I think my favourite word to describe Kev was…TINA

TINA
I knew Kev was onto a winner as soon as he introduced me to Tina, in fact I think those were my very words to him the next day, when he asked me what I thought of his new love. I've known Tina for almost 10 years now, and over that time she's proved, again and again, that she truly is the right girl for Kev. The one that sticks in my head most though was over the course of a hangover-banishing Sunday pub lunch in Manchester, when she innocently asked… “You know when birds fly south for the winter, do they go to Brighton or somewhere else on the coast?” Kev had finally met his intellectual match.

Seriously though Kev, Tina is a grand lass and she deserves a good husband, so I'm at a loss as to why she's settled for you. I suppose that's why they say love is blind but marriage can be a real eye-opener.

Okay, just before I finish, I'd like both Kev and Tina to stand up please…

[WAIT FOR BOTH TO STAND]

Okay, Tina could you put your arm out like this…

[DEMONSTRATE OUTSTRETCHED ARM, PALM DOWNWARDS]

And Kev, if you could place your arm on top of Tina's and rest your hand on hers…

[WAIT FOR KEV TO DO SO]

Kev I want you to remember and savour this moment because it's probably the last time you'll get the upper hand.

[WAIT FOR GROANS/APPLAUSE]

SENTIMENTALITY
Seriously, I'd like to finish by saying – Kevin, you've really come up trumps by marrying Tina. You've found someone who is beautiful, funny, intelligent, loving and caring and a match for you any day of the week. And Tina you've found… well you have found Kevin.

There have been times, and believe me I've been there and remember them, when it seemed like the two of you were intent on breaking each others hearts/driving each other insane. But I think that was just an outward sign that your relationship has remained as passionate and intense as when you first met. And now, although I know you're both strong individuals in your own right, I just can't imagine you being apart from each other.

[PICK UP CHAMPAGNE GLASS READY FOR TOAST]

TOAST
So, Ladies and Gentleman, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Kevin and Tina, the new Mr and Mrs Allen. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy and fruitful marriage.