Speech by Simon Hepworth

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Hepworth
Speech Date: oct 2004
My first problem is that apparently this speech is not about me, which I feel is rather cruel
Right now, if you could listen to dave's brain, you would hear these words
“OH MY GOD”
Closely followed by
“OH MY GOD”
And he's saying it twice because he's REALLY WORRIED. He's thinking, what is heppy gonna talk about. He won't mention the girls, he wouldn't dare talk about the American stag do, the strippers or that time with Justin in the cinema or the bizarre outburst at 2 in the morning one xmas time and he certainly won't say anything about Peanuts.

And you know what.
He's right.
I wouldn't, I'm not cruel.
Because that's what the internet is for, and wouldn't you know it…..…
www.heppyworld.com/daves_nightmare
So lets just pause for a second and help him as his worst fears are realised.
SILENCE
And now his brain is saying “HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE….”
The first time I heard of dave was from our friend who's just over there and he tells me he's made a great new friend called Dave.

So I'm thinking, Dave that's a mans name, he sounds strong, brave, someone you wouldn't want to mess with but would be alright for a drink down the pub.

Which made it a bit of a shock when I found out that a few nights before dave had been on the back of jono's scooter squealing like a girl and flapping his arms around as though if he got them going quick enough, somehow, he might just be able to fly.

But I didn't become really close to Dave until he moved to West Hampstead whereupon we developed a friendship based on the fact that neither of us could pull. I mean quite frankly, it was embarrassing. It was like car crash television. In those days you could put me and Dave in a room of single women and they would all have turned to the sisterhood if you know what I mean…..until he met sarah of course

And so, Dave and I became the best of friends now as Best Man today part of my duty is to praise Dave and tell you all just what a great bloke he is but unfortunately, in doing my research I have found out that deep in dave's past is the fact that he is in fact, A CRIMINAL.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, much as it pains me to do this, I must show you exhibit A which proves that Dave was well above the Euro regulations for an acceptable forehead. I think we can refer to that as his Max Wall phase – feel free to stare in disbelief. As you can see, this was taken just after his first round of botox.

At this point it would be a good idea to try and find out just how much dave has changed since that picture. Apart from the obvious things, like you know, hair when that photo was taken, if you'd mentioned football to dave he'd have told you how much he hated the game and all the violence surrounding it, these days he walks around seattle wearing a number of sport related shirts including an England football team version, a seattle seahawks top and I believe a mariners t shirt too though and has also been spotted picking up a paper and turning to the sports section first.

What else? Well, dave has always been known as something of a pacifist hates all kinds of violence so when we were talking about his stag do over here it came as something of a surprise when he said “I WANT TO SHOOT STUFF” and I can tell you there's almost nothing scarier than seeing dave holding a shotgun with the evil look in his eye which I can translate as……I can buy these things in a shop now…

I say there almost nothing scarier than that but actually thinking about I'm wrong, there is one more thing, and that's being in a car with him, when HE'S DRIVING.

Now I always thought that he refused to learn how to drive because of some environmentally friendly belief system, then I thought it was just because he could get away with drinking and getting everyone else to ferry him about, now however, I know it's because it's pretty much the most terrifying experience imaginable. I drive a motorbike as well as a car and one of the things they teach you is that if you want to help get the bike to go round a tight corner you should look to where you want to go. The same theory applies to driving a car unless you're with dave in which case he drives in the direction his passengers are looking. We're driving over Lake Washington bridge and I'm in the back and sarah says, “oo, look at that lovely yacht”

I'm just really glad dave couldn't drive when he was single because it would have been all, “wow look at that girl” badum badnum……ooo, don't fancy here now”

Now as we've established the groom here isn't exactly the sporting type but it turns out that at university he decided there was a sport for him.

Rowing.
Great you all say, an admirable pursuit.
Dave joins the all womens team.
As the Cox.
Now it's at this point of writing this speech when you can go in two directions really.
I mean, he was the COX, in a womens team.
There are like 500,000 jokes just there so while I tell them, let's get dave to help us out.
DAVE : "Long and Strong"
He was the Biggest Cox they had ever seen
DAVE : "Give it to me NOW"
The girls constantly complained that they couldn't see how the Cox would fit in the boat
DAVE :" Drive it Down"
Eventually the girls came to trust dave even though they said he was the hardest cox they'd had.
DAVE : "Try to make every stroke better than the last one"
Although there was an early morning training schedule, the girls always appreciated that the Cox was up before them.
DAVE : "Think about resisting your seat on the recovery with the same muscles you drive with"
It turns out the manual for being a cox is actually a lot like a manual for a marriage
So if you could bear with me, this is an actual manual for coxing, but replace the word boat with wife and it makes for a much more interesting read.

Being able to stop the boat is also of the utmost importance. "Hold her up!" or "Hold it" is the command to use, or in emergencies, "HOLD HER HARD" shouted at top volume.

You must have your wits about you and be decisive, tell them what to do ; commands you might use are "Bow, take a stroke!" or "back it down!". If they don't do it straight away, say it again and be forceful – remember you are in charge.

But lets go back earlier, to Dave's teenage years…..now…dave's mum was quite tight lipped about everything but it turns out dave was in fact a big player of Dungeons and Dragons, to me, that was rushing home from school on a Monday afternoon to watch the cartoon, but to dave it meant sneaking off for hours at a time to get totally engrossed in this other world and when I say engrossed, I mean dressing up as wizards and warriors and vixens and sirens……

Who would have thought he'd end up working in IT?
Which brings us neatly to Write Image where Dave has worked for more than 5 years and now heads up their operation in Seattle. Thing is, occasionally write-image throw these damn fine parties including the RMS Write Image cruise, a murder mystery day and a glitter tastic party all of which resulted in silly photos available from their website. There is however, one party which isn't up there, it was a fancy dress party where every table had to dress up as a character from a film. It was at this party that Dave found love of a kind that has unfortunately been outlawed. Yes, we're talking transistor love, SHOW PICTURE.

And can I just say now, that should Write-Image every have another fancy dress party you should insist that Dave does not dress as R2D2 as the memory would just be too painful.

Instead, you should make him go like this.
SHOW PICTURE
I'm nearly finished now but just before that I'd like to raise an unofficial toast to Jono because who knows if he hadn't worked at Pearson these two might not have found each other and I'd be standing here talking to an empty room.

What more is there to say about Dave? Well, if I can end on a schmaltzy moment, he's pretty much one of the best friends you could ever hope to have and as for him and sarah and from where I'm standing, it's an extremely beautiful to find someone you truly love with all your heart and I think we can agree that that is exactly what we've got here tonight so ladies and gentlemen please stand up and raise your glasses as I give you my two best friends, man and wife, Dave and Sarah