Speech by Simon Hobbs

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Hobbs
Speech Date: sep2002
Best Mans Speech…

Good afternoon, Id like to start by welcoming you all to James and Louise's special day, I know how much it means to them to see all their family and friends here. I'd like to thank James for his kind words about the Brides maids, im sure you'll agree they all look wonderful, especially my little niece Tara.

Before I start on the traditional best mans job of embarrassing James, id like to introduce myself, I'm Simon, James's older and much better looking brother. Now there are some rumours going round that the reason im going bald is due to the stresses and strains of being James's brother … and id just like to confirm that they are all true so all I can say to Lou is watch out!!

It is of course a great honour to be asked to be James's best man but of course with the honour comes the speech! I did a fair bit of research on the Internet and apparently it is tradition that the best mans speech lasts as long as it takes the groom to make love so thanks and have a top day!
(Sit down)

As I began thinking about my duties as best man I realised that my 1st job was to make sure James's and Louise made it to the church on time, anyone who knows James's and Lou very well will understand that I had to explain there were in fact two 12 o'clock on a Saturday and not just the 1 as they previously thought.

So at this stage I am supposed to talk a bit about the groom and tell you a couple of funny stories about his past. I asked my Mum and Dad if they could remember any special stories about him as a baby, all my Dad could remember was that he had a funny shaped head and my Mum could only came up with the fact that he was very cute but very fat and that he won a fancy dress competition at a Pontins holiday camp dressed as a cherub!

Being that bit older than James I don't remember his school days, but then again neither did his teachers, but after talking to a couple of his friends I remembered James was always a keen sportsman…
Unfortunately when he tried Rugby he was told his tackle wasn't big enough, he tried cross country running but found he couldn't stand the pace and when it came to football he was told he was crap in every position, whether Lou can confirm any of these are still true I don't know but I hope she has more luck!

After leaving school James, like most teenagers of that age, began to experiment, 1st it was drugs, James and his mate Steve were all set to try there 1st joint when they realised they didn't have the proper equipment but in true Blue Peter fashion they managed to cobble something together using an old football program and pritt stik – needless to say they didn't try that again in a hurry!

Then there was his 1st serious attempt at women, after spending most of the night chatting some girl up James couldn't believe his luck, here was a beautiful girl who seemed interested in him it was only when he plucked up the courage to make a move that he realised there was something wrong, he grab her hand but it seemed a cold so he decided to give it a little squeeze it was only then he discovered that her hand and in fact her whole arm was plastic!

James has tried various different careers over the years, at 1st he followed the family trade and became a printer, but soon realised that wasn't for him. His next big career move was the Army, I can always remember his 1st Christmas, the family were all sat round the dinner table full of turkey and wine whilst James was sat on guard duty at the gates of Aldershot army camp in the freezing cold on his own, I can remember even now thinking…SUCKER!

Since the sad loss of our sister, Toni 6 years ago James and I have become much more than brothers, I consider him my best friend too, It fills me full of pride to be standing here today. Id also like to say Lou looks absolutely stunning and if anyone would like to take a photo I think you'll find that this is the only time you will ever catch her in a licensed establishment without a pint in her hand!

Before I finish id just like to read a couple of cards:

To Louise, we could have been great together darling, hope your new man measures up, lots of love, Freddie Lungberg

The 2nd card is addressed to James and says:

My Dearest James, I miss your strong arms, your tender loving ways, the way you whisper in my ear, I realise im a loser in love but I will never forget those wonderful evenings together by the pool, love forever, Michael Barrymore.

I will finish by saying the following, it gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the new Mr & Mrs Hobbs.

To the happiness, wealth and good fortune of the happy couple: to the Bride and Groom.