Speech by Simon Howlett

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Howlett
Speech Date: Oct2004
AFTER DINNER

Ladies and Gentleman, I hope you enjoyed the meal as much as I did. I will briefly introduce myself. For those who haven't worked it out yet, I'm Simon, and I'm Mike's Best Man. Now it's time for the really fun part of the evening, the speeches! I would like to hand over now to the father of the bride, Mr. Colin Jones.

COLIN SPEAKS

Thank you very much for that Colin. Great speech. Now I would like to call on the groom, Mr. Michael Allcock, to say a few words.

MIKE SPEAKS, then I'm up …

Ladies and gentlemen thank you for coming today, and what a fantastic day it's been so far. Emma and I would like to thank the groom for his kind words.

Witty, intelligent, handsome, suave, but enough about me, I'm supposed to be telling you about Mike.

It was the year MASH and Are You Being Served? made their TV debut, The Godfather was on its way to being the biggest film of the year, and Neil Diamond's Song Sung Blue, Elton John's Rocket Man and John Lennon's Jealous Guy were in the charts. It was the start of a good season for Liverpool, who went on to win the league championship 3 points clear of Arsenal, and later the UEFA cup. It was also the year actress Cameron Diaz, singer Eminem, and Portuguese footballer Luis Figo, were born. Half way across the world in America some of Richard Nixon's aides were busy breaking into the Democratic Party headquarters at the Watergate Hotel, and on that very day in history, the 28th of May 1972, Arnie and Margaret's world changed somewhat, with the arrival of a son they named Michael Gary.

I didn't actually know Mike in school, but he let me have a look at some of his old school
reports. I particularly liked one I came across for Religious Education: “Michael recently expressed surprise that Phil Collins doesn't receive a single mention in the book of Genesis,” and in his woodwork his teacher simply wrote: “he is so regular with his irregularity, I don't know what to do.”

It was however quite a few years later when I first met Mike, and I remember the day well. In 1990, I was new to Portugal. Mike had already been there for a little while, and along with his Dad Arnie was busy building their plumbing and solar heating empire. What was the company motto again Mike “No income tax, no VAT, no money back, no guarantee!” The central point of our life back then was the Rock Garden sports club. I had met most of the other youngsters and they were always taking about Mike, whom I hadn't yet met. Now you could always hear Mike coming a mile away and the first day I finally did meet him, I recall this car flying into the car park, music at full volume, skidding to a halt thus creating an enormous dust cloud much to the annoyance of all those playing tennis near by. Oh yes, he had arrived.

Mike's pride and joy at the time was an English registered 1978 Ford Capri with extra spotlights and an airhorn. It was also cunningly disguised as a French car with black and white number plates, as Mike assured me that the police left the French alone. The fact that it was Right Hand Drive, gold, and usually had Bon Jovi going full blast on the stereo was lost on us at the time. I fondly remember our road trip to Lisbon, and Mike spectacular methods of overtaking. I think I discovered religion on that journey! The Capri was later replaced by a 3.5 Liter V8 Rover with a faulty trip computer. Mike spent weeks trying to convince us that it really did do 35 miles to the gallon despite filling it up every third day. Those vehicles were just the beginning of a long line of cars, .. 19 so far plus 10 motorbikes. In fact Mike is the only person I know with a dedicated desk at the DVLA. And when he wasn't working on his own cars he was always the first to offer a hand – Mike you may remember the Bedford camper van you spent hours trying to get going for me. Sadly if I had known the brakes would fail and I would crash it into the back of a slower moving vehicle a short time later, I'd have told you not to bother, but thanks anyway. I also fondly recall one of our favourite Sunday activities which was to hire a car for the day go rallying in it. Mike was always able to look so innocent when we returned them with 2 flat tyres and a burnt out clutch.

But that was a long time ago, and about 5 ½ years ago Mike met the love of his life, yes, his first BMW!! Seriously, though when Mike met Clare, it was love at first pint. Clare was apparently working behind the bar of the local pub at the time, and after a hard days work it was the only excuse Mike over needed to go for a beer. He said yesterday that as soon as Clare saw his van go passed, he knew that there would be a pint waiting for him on the bar. Quite what she did when he wasn't actually stopping, he didn't seem to know. But one thing led to another, and some time later they set up home together. And seeing Clare here today I can certainly understand why, .. doesn't she look amazing?

Arnie and Margaret were of course sad to see him go, although Arnie did express some delight at all of the extra parking space he would be getting.

An Irishman came to Liverpool many years ago because he had heard that the streets were paved with gold. However when he arrived he found 3 things – firstly the streets weren't paved with gold, secondly they weren't paved at all, and thirdly he was expected to pave them.

Michael and Clare, today you have just started working on your road. It isn't paved with gold either and there will be a few potholes along the way, but I know that you are both extremely dedicated to each other, you love each other very much, and on behalf of everyone here I wish you both good health and happiness. And Mike, you have been a great friend and it has been an honour to be your best man. From the early days for hanging out of your Capri, to the stag do in Majorca – we really were in heaven** on that trip; it has been a lot of fun. (**the name of a certain nightclub in Majorca, caused a huge laugh from the boys who were on that trip; naturally went over everyone else's heads!)

Ladies and Gentlemen, please stand, raise your glasses and join me a toast.

WAIT FOR THEM TO GET UP

Love, laughter, and happily ever after. To Michael and Clare, the new Mr. and Mrs. Allcock.

—-

My work is nearly done, but I just have a few short messages to read out:

From the lads on the football team – We've found Mike to be pretty useless in just about every position, hope Clare has more luck

From Marion and John Griffiths – Best wishes, many congratulations

From Frazer and Tracy – All the best, it's not that bad once you get used to it (don't know what he's referring to there)

From Val – Congratulations, and do come back anytime, would love to see you. PS I've sold the bar

Mike, don't do it, I still want you – love Wendy James. Wait a minute, that looks like your writing

Well that's it from me, thank you for listening, and enjoy the rest of the evening.