Speech by Simon Jones

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Jones
Speech Date: sep 2003
THE BESTMANS SPEECH
IN HONOUR OF KEVIN AND JOANNE JONES
MARRIED SEPTEMBER 7TH 2002.
BY SIMON JONES.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ON BEHALF OF THE BRIDESMAIDS, MY

LITTLE SISTER CLARE AND I WOULD LIKE TO THANK OUR NEW SISTER-

IN-LAW FOR HER KIND WORDS. I'LL DO MY BEST TO FOLLOW THAT!

I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED THE FOOD AND ATE PLENTY BECAUSE

THANK'S TO KEV IT'S RICE CRISPES AND A CUP OF HOT

CHOCOLATE INSTEAD OF THE BUFFET TONIGHT.

I CAN ONLY AGREE WITH CHRIS ON HOW STUNNING JO LOOKS, CHRIS

AND DEBBIE YOU MUST BE SO PROUD.

APPARANTLY THEY SAY BEING THE BESTMAN THEY SAY IS LIKE

MAKING LOVE TO THE QUEEN, IT'S A GREAT HONOUR – BUT NOBODY

WANTS TO DO IT.

KEV AND JO ITS AN HONOUR FOR US ALL TO BE A SMALL PART IN

YOUR BIG DAY. I KNOW YOU BOTH HAVE WORKDED SO HARD TO MAKE

TODAY POSSIBLE, SO ON BEHALF OF EVERBODY HERE I THANK YOU

FOR PROVIDING US ALL WITH SUCH LAVISH HOSPITALITY.

ACTUALLY I WAS ONLY SAYING TO KEVIN EARLIER, HOW GREAT IT

WAS THAT SO MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE HERE TODAY.- IT'S

AMAZING HOW FAR SOME OF YOU WILL TRAVEL FOR A FREE MEAL.

RIGHT THEN, THERE IS SO MUCH I COULD HAVE SAID ABOUT MY

LITTLE BROTHER, IT WAS DIFFICULT TO KEEP THIS SPEECH TO THE

CUSTOMERY 5 MINUTES. THEREFORE YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO BARE

WITH ME FOR THE NEXT HOUR AND A HALF.

SO KEVIN IAN JONES BA HONOURS ETC BORN 15TH JANUARY 1977.

NOW I,M NOT GOING TO SAY THAT KEV WAS AN UGLY BABY,BUT MUM

SUFFERED MORNING SICKNESS AFTER HE WAS BORN.

AT AN EARLY AGE 18MONTHS IN FACT IT WAS NOTICEABLE THAT

KEVIN LIKED HIS SLEEP.THE PHASE ANYTIME ANYWHERE WAS

NOMORE APPROPRIATE THAN ON A FAMILY HOILDAY TO SUNNY

WOOLACOMBE ONE PARTICUALAR NIGHT HE MYSTERIOUSLY

DISAPEARED FROM HIS BED. A TIRING SEARCH OF THE CAMP SITE

RESULTED IN KEVIN BEING FOUND SUCKING HIS THUMB SLEEPING

BENEATH HIS CAMP BED.

JO, WE ALL UNDERSTAND NOW WHY YOU WANT TO TIE KEV TO THE

BED TONIGHT.

GROWING UP TOGETHER AS BROTHERS, I HOPE YOU HAVE AS MANY

GREAT MEMORIES AS I DO. THINGS LIKE GOING TO WATCH DAD

PLAY FOOTBALL ON SATURDAY AFTERNOONS, WHEREBY MUM

WOULD ALWAYS SAY ‘NOW DON'T GET DIRTY.’ GOING HOME MY

SMART NIKE TRACKSUIT WOULD HAVE A COUPLE OF GRASS STAINS,

HOWEVER YOUR SLAZENGER SPECIAL WOULD BE COVERED IN MUD.

THE FAMILY CORTINA WHICH HAD SUCH LOW SEATS IN THE BACK

THAT YOU, CLARE AND I COULD'NT SEE OUT OF THE WINDOWS –

RESULTING IN US ALL BEING TRAVEL SICK.

THE HOILDAY WEEKENDS TO TENBY, COME RAIN OR SHINE!

THE DAY MUM AND DAD SURPRISED US WITH NEW BMX BIKES.

AND OF COURSE -THE DAY MUM AND DAD TOLD US WE HAD A LITTLE

BABY SISTER.
THROUGH OUR TEENS WE BOTH ENJOYED SCHOOL,PLAYING FOOTBALL

FOR UP & COMERS WHEREBY YOU PERFORMED WELL IN SEVERAL

POSITIONS, A TALENT EQUALLY APPRECIATED BY JO I;M TOLD,AND

ALSO GOLF AT CONDOVER GOLF CLUB. WHERE WE BOTH LATER

BECAME JUNIOR CAPTAINS. NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT

DAD WAS JUNIOR ORGANISER. I THINK YOU BEAT ME IN OUR FIRST

EVER COMPETITION. I'M NOT GOING TO SAY WHAT I WENT ROUND,

ONLY THAT KEV KNOCKED IT AROUND IN A SIZZLING 134.

SO AFTER LEAVING MEOLE BRACE SCHOOL, WITH EXTREMELY HIGH

GRADES, MUCH LIKE MYSELF, KEV ATTENDED SHREWSBURY TECH

FROM WHICH HE GAINED A DIPLOMA IN BUSINESS AND FINANCE.

WHICH ENABLED HIM TO SECURE A PLACE AT SHEFFIELD UNIVERSITY

TO STUDY A DEGREE IN CRIMINOLOGY AND LAW.

LET IT BE SAID THAT KEV WENT AWAY TO UNIVERSITY A SMALL BOY.

A BIT GEEKY SOME MIGHT SAY.

I REMEMBER MUM AND DAD COMING HOME FROM TAKING HIM TO HIS

HALLS OF RESIDENCE, WHERE BY MUM HAD CRIED ALL THE WAY

HOME. HOWEVER, HIS VOICE SOON BROKE, THE BRACE ON HIS TEETH

WAS REMOVED AND HIS SPECS BEGAN TO SUIT HIM. HE MADE NEW

FRIENDS, MEET A CERTAIN ESSEX GIRL, THANKS TO HIS CLOSE FRIEND

STUART AND BY THE END OF HIS FIRST YEAR HE CAME HOME A

MAN! NICE ONE JO!!!!!!!!!!!

OVER THE NEXT COUPLE OF YEARS HE STUDIED HARD ENJOYED LIVIN

AND DRINKING EXPERIENCES WITH HIS HOUSE MATES CAT, LITTLE

STU, RICHARD AND RENDALL, ASWELL AS FALLING IN LOVE WITH JO

SO AFTER BOTH SUCCESSFULLY GRADUATING KEV AND JO SET OUT ON

THEIR RESPECTIVE CAREERS – KEV AT DO-IT-ALL IN THE GARDEN DEPT

WITH HIS GOOD FRIEND NEIL DAV AND JO AT HER LOCAL CO-OP ON

THE DELI COUNTER WITH HER CLOSE FRIENDS CARLY AND SOPHIE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT JO, BUT IT WAS AT THIS TIME THAT KEV

WAS MISSING HIS BELOVED JO,JO. EVIDENCE OF THAT WAS AT WORK

ONE DAY. A LADY CUSTOMER CAME INTO DO-IT-ALL AND ASKED KEV

IF THERE WAS ANYWHERE SHE COULD GET FELT. – KEV REPLIED WITH,

WE CAN GO IN THE STOCKROOM IF YOU LIKE!!!

THEN IN THE SEPTEMBER OF 98, JO MOVED UP TO LIVE WITH THE JONES

IN SUNNY SHREWSBURY.

IT'S NOT VERY OFTEN A BESTMAN CAN SAY IN HIS SPEECH THAT HE

HAS LIVED WITH BOTH THE BRIDE AND GROOM – BUT KEV, JO AND I

DID JUST THAT FOR 18 ENJOYABLE MONTHS.

IT WAS AT THIS TIME THAT I COULD SEE AND HEAR THAT THEY WOULD

BE HAPPY TOGETHER FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES, HENCE THE

GREAT OCCASION THAT BRINGS US ALL HERE TODAY.

AS YOU ARE ALL AWARE, AFTER A LOT OF HARD WORK, KEV

QUALIFIED AS A SOLICITOR IN JULY OF THIS YEAR. HE HAS SETTLED IN

VERY WELL AT TERRY JONES SOLICITIORS. HIS FIRST TRIAL WAS A

COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO AND SINCE THEN I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT HE IS

PERFORMING WELL.

UNKNOWN TO KEV I'VE ATTENDED COURT A FEW TIMES TO SEE HOW

HE IS DOING AND TO SAY KEV HAS HAD SOME DIFFICULT CLIENTS

WOULD BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT, WHEN YOU HEAR THE REPLY'S TO

SOME OF HIS QUESTIONS.

WHAT IS YOUR DATE OF BIRTH?
JULY 15TH
WHAT YEAR?
EVERY YEAR

WHAT GEAR WERE YOU IN AT THE MOMENT OF IMPACT ?

A SHELLSUIT AND REEBOK TRAINERS.

WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING YOUR HUSBAND SAID TO YOU
WHEN HE WOKE UP THAT MORNING ?

HE SAID “WHERE AM I CATHY?”

AND WHY DID THAT UPSET YOU ?

MY NAME IS SHARON.

I THINK KEV NEEDS TO WORK ON HIS BRIEFING SKILLS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT PRETTY MUCH CONCLUDES MY

SPEECH, HOWEVER I MUST JUST MENTION THE INFAMOUS ‘STAG DO’

WHICH WAS A LOW KEY AFFAIR – ONLY 24 COULD MAKE IT!

FIRSTLY TO GO TRAVEL, THANK YOU FOR A LOVELY 11 HOUR DELAY

AT TINY BRISTOL AIRPORT.

TO ADAM JONES, FOR FINDING HIS DAVID SEAMAN WIG IN THE HOTELS

LOST PROPERTY BIN.

AND FINALLY, TO THE MORE DISTINGWISHED GENTLEMEN OF THE

GROUP FOR THE GREATEST OVER 45’S TECHNO DANCING YOU'D EVER

WISH TO SEE – LADIES YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

FINALLY AS I MENTIONED EARLIER, KEV AND JO HAVE PUT A LOT OF

EFFORT INTO ORGANISING TODAY, BUT THEY DID ASK FOR MY

OPINION ON THEIR CHOSEN SONG FOR THE FIRST DANCE. I THOUGHT

THEY WOULD HAVE GONE FOR A FRANK SINARTRA NUMBER,

HOWEVER THEY BOTH WANTED THAT CLASSIC-

“GRANNY, DON'T GO TO THE COAL SHED THERE'S ENOUGH
SLACK IN YOUR KNICKERS”

BUT I SAID THAT'S A BIT “UP TEMPO” FOR A FIRST DANCE. THEREFORE I

SUGGESTED –

“MOTHER HOLD A CANDLE, WHILE I SHAVE THE CHICKEN'S LIP”

WELL, WE'LL JUST HAVE TO ALL WAIT FOR TONIGHT.

SO TO YOU BOTH, AS A BROTHER, KEVIN I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST

FOR THE FUTURE, YOU ARE A GREAT FRIEND ASWELL AS A LOVING

BROTHER. AND TO YOU JO, WELCOME TO THE FAMILY, I KNOW YOU

WILL MAKE A FANTASTIC WIFE, ASWELL AS A LOVING SISTER TO

CLARE, KATIE AND I.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, IT GIVES ME ENORMOUS

PLEASURE TO ASK YOU ALL TO STAND.

A TOAST, NOT ONLY TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM, BUT ALSO TO MY

BROTHER AND SISTER.

MAY YOUR LOVE BE MODERN ENOUGH TO SURVIVE THE TIMES AND

OLD ENOUGH TO LAST FOREVER.

PLEASE RAISE YOUR GLASSES TO KEV AND JO.

THANK YOU, ITS BEEN EMOTIONAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!