Speech by Simon Mackay

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Mackay
Speech Date: 09/09/2013 19:38:14
 

Ladies and Gentleman. As xx said, my name is Simon and I have been given the honourable job of being the best man today.

I would like to thank Gary for his kind words.… and Selina I have to agree with all that's been said, you truly look one in a million……..… as opposed to Gary who looks like he's been won in a raffle!!!

Before, I wrote this speech I asked a few people how long they thought the speech should last. I have asked around and the general consensus was about as long as it takes the Groom to make love. So, thank you all very much, you have been a wonderful audience (sit).

The bestman has several duties, the 1st was to get Gary here on time today and make sure he had a good night sleep, which he did………!! 11pm we were in our bed, well Selina I can assure you, he slept like a baby last night, he wet the bed twice and woke up asking for another bottle – and that's why he has an old nickname like – GAGA!

For my speech..… I wanted to get a bit of background on Gary, so being a bit of a computer geek, I went on the internet to do some research and was on there for a couple of hours..… to try and find stuff relating to Gary's birthday, and I found some really great stuff ……..and I thought..… I will go blind watching this…… I better go back and look for stuff on Gary's birthday.

The 17th of April 1980 is Gary's birthday and I tried to relate it to some major world event on Google ……..but nothing came up…..… however the nurses that worked at Wick Maternity hospital still call it ugly baby Monday!

So I asked family and friends for more info on Gary, doing my research I found that at playschool Gary was a little bit different from all the other 4 year olds in his nursery class, he was 9 at the time, which was all a bit awkward.

Not a lot of people know this about Gary, but he is an avid reader, he has read up to this day ALL 45 MR MEN books from cover to cover. I remember a wee while back he said, let's go and find Mr Jelly…… Mr Jelly…… ‘cos he lives in the woods, so we went up to Dunnet forest near Thurso…..… we searched for hours and got a wee bit lost, and after 6 hours we just came back and he had tears running down his face, I never found Mr Jelly, Mr jelly……..but don't worry about it you are getting married on Saturday.

After leaving School, Gary joined the County Garage in Thurso serving his time as a Mechanic under my wing and this is where I started to really get to know him. He was a keen learner in the Garage, but to be honest was much more at home standing at the door chatting to most passing by … mainly the ladies…………as a result, he still can't manage to change a spark plug.

It wasn't until early 2000 that Gary, set off on his journey to the big smoke with nothing but a holdall of some clothes and a toolbox. His Dad drove him down to Aberdeen as a young innocent country highlander, where I picked him up with a tear in his eye and a hell of a lot more hair on his head……

Gary started his next career venture in the oil industry where he then spent some time working away from home. It was during these long dark nights offshore that he met his first true love ……online gambling. As people may know Gary is well renowned for his love of fruit machines and online card games. I think his appreciation for gambling may well have transpired from his work offshore. It was always a gamble whether he would make it up for his shift or not!! 

It was during this time, in May 2003 he decided he had made enough winnings to take 6 months out of the oil industry, of which 90% of the time was spent in Oneills trying to woo a certain Irish belle across the bar where she was working. Although to be honest, it was what I like to call the Gary shudder that I reckon first attracted Selina to Gary. If any of you have ever bared witness to this dance it can only be described as a human helicopter on red bull. You may get the pleasure of witnessing his moves later.

Gary has a talent of picking up accents and we knew it was the real deal with Selina when Gary arrived at our house after a few months of dating and he had a thicker irish accent than “Mrs Brown”……………

In March 2011, after a considerable few long suffering years of waiting, Gary finally popped the question in Central Park, New York where they got engaged. They both moved to Ireland 3 years ago and it has to be said, during this period, it has not been easy for them both, due to Gary working away, Selina starting a new business, and being involved in getting the cottage renovated, but safe to say they are meant to be.. as they have stood by each other through thick and thin.

Gary has been known to right off a couple of cars in his time and has had a few close experiences due to his colourful driving style………………….and in fact he is lucky to be here today due to his rally driving attempts on the Leitrum roads a  few months back. He managed to roll his 4×4 jeep down an embankment but fortunately a tree got in the way. I am happy to say the tree only required minor surgery which was a lot less than the occupants of the jeep. Who knows, maybe it knocked some sense into him but, with the amount of “apple juice” in his belly that night..… I doubt it.

As for the stag doo, well Gary requested that I did “NOT” organise a stag, and being the loyal bestman that I am, I have fulfilled his request. Gary stated that he did not want a stag as he is not a big drinker, well as you all know that is a load of bollocks……………..… and rumour has it Gary was trying to avoid his blackening………………and for those of you not familiar with said activity, it basically involves his good friends rocking up, catching him, stripping him, tieing him somewhere very public and covering him in something disgusting to totally humiliate him. Gary has to date succeeded in avoiding this tradition, but unfortunately Gary has been involved in one too many blackening's (including mine) for this to go unnoticed. Gary…………….lookout mate……

You know it's not just stressful for the people organising a wedding, but also for the guests too, I mean my wife Kathryn and I, couldn't think of what to get them for a wedding present, so I just asked Selina what would you like? A coffee perculator, I said fine, she actually said a perky copulator, but I knew what she meant.

Not to be one to normally go against tradition, I hope Selina and Gary don't mind me presenting them with a gift. Now gifts traditionally tend to come in the form of flowers or chocolates, but just to be a little different, I would like to present you both, well in particular you Selina, with a proud Scottish tradition, with this fine specimen of a (Pinus)( sylvestris) …………otherwise known as a great Scots Fir tree.

 We would like them both to plant this together tomorrow at the cottage, to mark the beginning of not only the start of their life as husband and wife, but for Selina to find comfort in those lonely days, when Gary is working away abroad, to be able to look out of your kitchen window to your large Scottish………… PINUS , watching it grow and flourish, day by day into a fine Scottish erect specimen.

So we are getting near the end of part 1 now….

I have written this poem for Selina called “The perfect groom”

The perfect groom so gentle never harsh, cruel or mean,

He has beautiful smile and keeps his face so clean.

The perfect groom loves children, and will raise them by your side

He will be a good father and husband to his bride.

The perfect groom loves cooking and cleaning and doing dishes too,

He will do anything in his power to show his love for you.

The perfect groom is sweet, making poetry from your name,

He is a best friend to your friends and kisses away your pain.

He will never make you cry,,,,, or hurt you in any way,

Does this man exist? Who can really say?

Can I just finally say that I have been very honoured to be your bestman today, and I wish you both a long, happy and love filled future.

So, its gives me great pleasure, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to toast the new Mr and Mrs Sutherland, Gary and Selina!!!!!!!!!!