Speech by Simon Mann

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Mann
Speech Date: 31/07/2012 09:26:52

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming, and for those of you that don't know me, I'm Simon the ‘Best Man’

Before I begin, if you ask Matt if he's been nervous at all today he'll tell you that he hasn't. And to be fair I've been with him all day and he hasn't been nervous in the slightest

 (HOLD UP PAIR OF SOILED BOXER SHORTS INFRONT OF EVERYONE)

But what shall I do with the shorts you had on earlier   

It's been quite a year so far……

– Newcastle finished 5th and will be playing in Europe again

– England made it through to the quarter finals of Euro 2012

– Andy Murray made it through to the finals at Wimbledon

– Bradley Wiggins won the Tour De France

– Billy in Eastenders carried the Olympic Flame

– And now we are here to celebrate Matt and Jackie's wedding

So I hope you are all enjoying what has so far been a brilliant day….… unfortunately every silver lining has a cloud….… that's where I come in.

I've heard it said that the speeches should take as long as it takes the groom to make love……but I couldn't just say welcome ladies and gentleman…..raise your glasses to the bride and groom……so I thought my speech would represent the size of Matt's more distinguishing features…….so brace yourself ……as it's going to be long.

Firstly I'd like to congratulate Matt on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be difficult to follow one of your speeches, and I was right…I couldn't follow a bloody word of it!

But I'm glad you made the most of your speech, as now that you are a married man, it'll be the last time that you will get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted.

I would like to echo what has already been said and compliment our beautiful bride.

When I first met Jackie, my impression was of a beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and thoughtful person.

But she soon ruined this by agreeing to marry Matt

But, as you'll all agree with me, I must say that Jackie does look absolutely stunning today in that fantastic dress.

I can tell you that Matt likes it too, as he told me in the church, that it will blend in just nicely with the rest of the kitchen

And Surprisingly, Matt has even scrubbed up quite well himself, but I'm a little disappointed that he had to copy my outfit…

I think you'll all agree that Matt is one very lucky man, Jackie is a wonderful girl, and she deserves a great husband. Thank God you married her before she had a chance to find one!

Let me also take this opportunity to personally say a big thanks to the ushers Ryan and Richard, and guys I couldn't help overhearing you ask ‘Bride or Groom’ as people entered the church, so just to clear up any confusion, Matt and Jackie here are the Bride and Groom. It was also stipulation for the wedding, that the Ushers weren't allowed to look better than the Best Man and I'm pleased to say that they have more than kept up their end of the bargain…

Also a big thanks to Luke, doesn't he look smart his suit.

And on behalf of the bridesmaids,  I would like to thank Matt for his kind words, Shania, Rhea, Rachel and Mel all look wonderful and have done an excellent job in coaxing Jackie here today;

So Matt and Jackie you've finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Matt couldn't have done any better and Jackie couldn't have done any worse…

When Matt asked me to be his best man, naturally I had many questions. What had I done to deserve such an honour? Who had dropped out? Was I really the best he could come up with? Could I turn the job down and still expect an invitation to stuff myself and get drunk at his expense?

In the end, having accepted the role, I'm pretty happy with the way things went today. From a best man's perspective, everything went smoothly. For starters, I got him to the venue on time, He also arrived sober, an achievement which as many of you know shouldn't be underestimated with his track record… And most importantly in this time of economic uncertainty, I successfully resisted the urge to post the wedding rings to Cash for Gold and do a runner. Well done me…

I should start by saying how I know Matt. It all started way back on Christmas morning 1999, when I was running the Regent in the city known as Penzance.

I looked on one of the chesterfield sofas, in the bar to find Santa had left me a present…..my new best friend Matt!!!!

Over the coming weeks and months our ‘BROMANCE’ blossomed, I told the girl he'd seen a couple of times that there was not going to be any relationship, and that what little they had was over, as he had a new love in his life!!

That's right his 3 series BMW

I had one as well, his was Red and known as the Red Rocket, and mine was Silver called the Silver Bullet, and like the mature men that we are, we used to drive up and down market Jew street one behind the other for what seemed like hours, we even gave ourselves a little name. TEAM THWAIT.

Back then we used to hit the town on a regular basis, we even started a new fashions in the BARN, where we'd buy drinks and then proceed to pour them over our own heads, and yes a couple of our disciples actually copied us. Good times out drinking (brings a whole new perspective on having a drinking problem)….

And you might think that today is Matt and Jackie's big day. But what people don't realise is that Matt's big day actually happened several years ago – when he walked into the Humphry Davy and the barman remembered his name, what drink he liked and poured it without being asked, it's just a shame he had to pay for it

I've also lived with matt on many occasions, and during that time we've mastered the art of spider extermination, as they're not only large but can jump too. So with the help of Wilf, we became a well drilled combat team, where I would grab the Henry and switch it on, while simultaneously Wilf would run with the flex and plug it in, and the Matt would point the hose to capture the giant beasts.

In our next house the team was also assembled to catch a mouse that the cat decided to release in matt's room, after an hour of chasing it around the room, slowly stripping the room of all its contents by passing everything over his mattress, which we'd placed on its side in front of the open doorway, we decided that enough was enough and once again deployed good old Henry, and minutes later the mouse problem had been solved. Unfortunately being lads living together the Hoover didn't exactly get over worked and used to lay dormant for weeks – which was fine when being utilised as a spider catching device, but when next used to do the housework following the mouse incident, the smell brought tears to our eyes and our lunch to the back of our throats.

In all our years of friendship I can honestly say, I have never heard anyone question Matt's intelligence, to be perfectly honest I never heard anyone even mention any intelligence on Matt's part what so ever.

I'll give you a couple of examples of this

Matt's mum Barbara was telling me that Matt's teacher had told her that he was a slow but sure learner. So she was somewhat confused when his end of term report card came back with what can only be described as below average grades. So off she went to see the teacher to find out why things seemed to have, all of a sudden changed, it was at this point that Matt's teacher had to clarify that what he had actually meant was that Matt was Slow to Learn, and Sure to Forget.

I remember another time after watching Newcastle play and downing a few bottles of Strongbow, I cooked up a couple of pizzas.  I asked Matt if he wanted his pizza cut into 4 pieces or 8 pieces, he said you better make it 4, I don't think I could manage 8!!!!

So during the service today I couldn't help thinking it's funny how history repeats itself, I mean it was 35 years ago that Jackie was being sent to bed with a dummy…..and it's happening all over again today.

I also asked a few of his friends for a few stories, but it would take too long to explain the time we saw ufo's or  Matt's unhealthy obsession with the Scillonian, and unfortunately the rest are not appropriate, especially if matt wants to make it to the bridal suite fully intact.

All his friends, however, hold him in the highest regard as they have all described him as a first class banker, I'm not sure exactly what this means as he doesn't save a lot of money and his work mainly revolves around the cleaning industry, so where people got the idea he was a complete ‘banker’ from I have no idea – perhaps I just misheard them.

I know it's traditional for the best man to wax lyrical about the number of ex-girlfriends the groom has had, but I don't want to get into all that. Frankly, I find such macho male posturing, vulgar and offensive to the bride. But, suffice to say Matt, 72 turned out to be your lucky number.

And that brings me nicely into when the happy couple met.                                                                              Matt was living with me at the time, and he came home 1 night, all happy like a 5 year old with his hand in a sweetie jar, to tell me that he'd met the one, Jackie, in the London of all places, and over the past few years their love has flourished, who'd of believed that anything good could come out of the London.

However, it is apparent what Jackie means to Matt.

So when I asked him last night, what it was he wanted from his marriage, initially he said “lots of sex”

But when pushed for a more sentimental response,

He said, “well, I want to be a model husband.”

And he added with a glint in his eye, “I want to be a model lover!!”. Being the inquisitive chap that I am, I looked up “model” in the dictionary it said: “a small, miniature replica of the real thing!” I think this an achievable goal for you mate.

So Matt.… you must be asking yourself how lucky are you?..

Well you leave here today GAINING a partner that is WARM…..LOVING……… CARING….FUNNY and who RADIATES KINDNESS wherever she goes!!!

And Jackie…….you must be asking yourself how lucky are you?

Well you leave here today having gained……..a beautiful dress and some flowers!!!!!

Matt it's also been said that as soon as you get married, your wife seems intent on changing you, well if you think about it; it's not really her fault, as the actual wedding ceremony pre programs her to do this.

The first thing that happens is she walks down the aisle…..where she then eventually ends up at the altar…….and then at the beginning of the ceremony you start by singing a hymn……..and due to the excitement of the day all she can remember is ‘ AISLE ALTER HYMN ‘!

(READ OUT CARDS)

So to conclude

Having recently been married myself, and being Matt's best man, I feel that it would be only right to give him a little advice, from my experience, of what not to say on the wedding night!

– Did I mention the video camera?

– Can you please pass me the remote control?

– On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

– But I just brushed my teeth.

– So much for the fulfilment of sexual fantasies!

– You're good enough to do this for a living!

– It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

– This would be more fun with a few more people.

– I'll tell you who I'm fantasising about if you tell me who you're fantasising about.

And some small helpful advice for your life together:

Never go to sleep without sorting an argument out. I can honestly say that in the four years Pip and I have been together we have only ever had one argument; the only problem is it's still going on…

Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!

A lot of us don't do this enough; always remember to tell your wife those three important little words… “You're right dear”…It will make your life a hell of a lot easier…

Finally the most important bit of advice I could give you is. For a long and successful marriage you won't go wrong if you make sure all your ups and downs come between the bed sheets…

On a serious note, I look on you as a younger brother mate, and you've made me proud twice this year, the first time for finally getting a job and again today for letting Jackie make an honest man out of you, and not only have you now got a beautiful new wife, but you've also got too gorgeous daughters, I know you won't try to replace their dad, but they couldn't ask for a better step dad than you, as I know you love them as if they were your own, so I think it is fair to say , that Matt and Jackie pretty much have the relationship that the rest of us strive for, and I am sure they will have a long, happy and prosperous future together.

TOAST: So it now gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to be upstanding once more…..and raise your glasses in a toast…..to the bride and groom…Mr and Mrs Johns.