Speech by Simon Mayall

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Mayall
Speech Date: oct 2003
last time i was this nervous me and mark[groom]were in front of a parol board!
i always thought it would be hard to follow a speech by mark, i was right i couldn't follow a word.
on behalf of bridesmaids, ushers and the page boy i would like to thank Mark for his kind words and gifts.
for those of you who don't know me, I'm Simon, Marks cousin, I'm ment to tell you how we met and how we became friends when it wasn't really like that for us. Were part of the same family so i'm not going to bore you with stupid stories.
I mean what can you say about a man who used to collect badges as a kid. His mum had to buy him velcro shoes because he couldn't tie his laces, he was 18. We never went to school together but you can tell by Marks grades that he only went there to nick the lead of the roof.
All I'm going to do is slate him for 5 minutes then everyone can get back to enjoying themselves.
It will be nice to see Mark letting his hair down tonight, especially as its his hair that's been letting him down for the past few years.

So in not so a traditional manner I've made up a little poem about Mark, here goes.…

Living as far away as I do,
it's a wonder Mark has any clue,
but by picking Angie you can clearly see,
he must of learnt a lot from me.

In Palm Beach their eyes first met,
neither of them have looked back yet,
100 grand house and he drives an Audi,
why does he still watch Andy Pandi?

He's had nice cars, but never drove them,
just to tight to buy petroleum,
he was a bit of a lad, one of the boys,
but never made that much noise.

On his go-cart he never went far,
but today it's his get away car!!
not been out for ages, his friends think he's dead,
only one in the family who thinks he's a red.

We used to live together, didn't you know?
it's just a shame he didn't grow,
never made it past 4ft 2,
he wears those insoles in his shoe.

The BMX bike he decided to paint,
was enough to make his mother faint,
and that's not the first time his arts gone bad,
you just need to ask my dad,
all his white walls we painted green,
he was the maddest we've ever seen.

He finished school with very bad grades,
maybe his teachers should of been paid,
so electric's his forte I don't know,
watch out boys it's gonna blow.

He cleans the house whenever he's bored,
no wonder Angie thinks she's scored,
cooking and ironing whenever he's free,
we've changed his name to Margerie.

Respect for Angie is all I can give,
I'm surprised with Mark she can even live,
his mum kicked him out and I know why,
living with him I'd sooner die.

Advise on marriage, I'm not qualified,
Angie must be bloody terrified,
nervous I'm only the Best Man,
they'll have to do the best they can.
True love is here pure and simple,
Angie being pure, Mark being simple,

He's the nearest thing to a brother I've had,
and for that I'm truly glad,
If he's half a loyal husband as he's been a friend to me,
their lives will continue happily.

He's finally admitted that I'm the Best Man,
I've tried to do the best I can,
but being Best Man is like sex with the Queen,
nobody seems to be too keen.

Thanks to Mags and Paul they've tried real hard,
for this boy we all call lard,
thanks to Mike, Theresa too,
for putting on this splendid do,
and to those who've travelled far and wide,
most of them to see the bride.

I started this poem 12 mths ago,
now I think it's time I think I should go,
the cakes in tiers and so am I,
I think it's time I said bye bye,
so I guess there's nothing left to say,
thanks for sharing their special day.

May your love be modern enough to survive the times, but old fashioned enough to last forever.

It gives me great pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Mark and Angela.