Speech by Simon McAnsh

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon McAnsh
Speech Date: oct 2003
[Intro]
Don't worry it'll be short {drop a long folded sheet of paper}…..Just kidding

Ladies and Gents, my name is Simon and being Darrens (or rather Smithy's) oldest friend I was asked the pleasure of, or rather talked into saying a few kind {cough} words about Darren.

Before I start I'd like to thank the minister for such a lovely service. Actually he was a very easy-going. In fact in the minutes before Linda-Anne arrived I asked him his thoughts on sex before marriage…he said he didn't mind as long as it didn't hold the service up.)
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[Main]
Standing here I'm still wondering why I agreed to say a few words, I mean its not every day that you get to embarrass yourself in a room full of people (sober).

However, what has made the situation slightly better is that I know Darren is also pretty nervous about the contents of this speech but I have promised him that I won't embarrass him too badly in front of his friends and family. So Darren, don't worry, I won't be going into the time that you tucked your little groom out of sight and paraded around my livingroom or the many times that you like to dress up in Linda-Anne's clothes, like you did Last Friday night after the rehersal. Don't worry, your secret's are safe with me…

I've known Darren longer than I've not known him and if that's too complicated then I've not known him less than I have known him. 13 years 6 months and 26 days….you tend to keep track of a prison sentence.

I remember making a bet with Darren 10 years ago that to this day I have still not settled. So yes you did pass your driving test first so like you said “if you ever got the £50 then you'd frame it….So I've saved you the hassle [hand over 10 framed £5 notes].

I can remember the time when they first got together, the swapping of phone numbers, the wink and a smile. There we were walking through Falkirk when he spotted this vision of beauty….alright so he was looking at himself in lunn poly's window. Naw seriously she came over asked for Darren's number….I couldn't believe it…a girl interested in Darren (whilst sober). The rest of the day was spent with him saying “I hope she phone's”, well obviously she did and here they are.

Well its been 3 years since Darren were engaged when Darren ruined it for every other single guy…by proposing to Linda-Anne on the Eiffel tower…now getting down on one knee in the local Chinese will be undermined by Casanova over here…..god how time has flown by in fact Linda-Anne's dad was saying that it seemed like only yesterday that Linda-Anne was going to bed with a dummy….how little things have change [look over at Darren].

Every speech should contain something about the grooms stag do. Darren wanted an evening of scrabble (well that's what Linda-Anne told him he wanted) but ended up in Newcastle. There was Darren baring the elements in his kilt, mind you, by the end of the night is wasn't just the elements he was baring….but it was a “quiet affair”…..sorry “An affair to be kept quiet”.

Before I give away too many of Darrens secrets I should read out some of the cards.
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[Cards]

Read out the genuine cards….…

To Darren: We could have been so good together, I will miss our nights by the pool – lots of love, Michael Barrymore.

To Linda Anne: Shame it didn't work between us, However, if the rumours are true about Darren, ring me – Oh that's from me.

To Darren: your sense of fashion has been an inspiration to me during my pop career all the best, H from Stepps

To Darren: The key to a long and happy marriage it to remember those 2 little words; Yes dear, lots of Love George

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[END]:
Well what advice can I give you Darren, well a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married.

Seriously though, in my searching around to find an ideal end, everything I came up with was overshadowed by the following:

"You don't marry someone because you can live with them, you marry them because you simply cannot live without them."

Ladies and Gents…….DARREN AND LINDA-ANNE