Speech by Simon Nathan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Nathan
Speech Date: aug 2001
INTRODUCTION

For anybody who doesn't know me, I'm XXX, I've known YYY for the last 15 years and as his best man for today, it's been my job to make sure he's something which he normally isn't! Basically smart, clean, punctual and sober. It's a real honour to be YYs best man, as well as slightly daunting. But he's assured me, if I do a good job today he'll let me be the best man at his next wedding!

In fact I don't know why YYYY chose me as best man at all, because I know just about all the dirt there is on him. Then ZZZZ explained to me that If I mention anything about ex boyfriends or girlfriends – I would be in big trouble. This restricted my material somewhat– So I won't mention Scott, Ross or Angus or she'll kill me, She also said If I mentioned anything about the Sunbeds, facials, body wraps & the new tattoo on her bum she wouldn't be too happy either – so I won't.

Before I go on I must mention and I mean MUST mention how stunning ZZZ looks today – YYYY really has come out on top of the for better or worse deal – because he couldn‘t have done any better and ZZZ certainly couldn't have done any worse.

About YYYYYY

He has been a good friend to me over the years, one of those mates you keep through thick & thin no matter how your life's change . Well what can I say about him ? A prize-winning scholar, a gentleman through and through, a bit of a heart throb among the girls ? Of course not – I'd be lying if I did that.

When YY is under the influence of alcohol, rhythm and style have little importance – especially on the dance floor; you'll see what I mean later on. We all know that YY is not a big drinker, he's not big in any aspects is he ZZZ? Look towards ZZZ > God knows why they call him thumper.

It's turning out to be a good idea wearing these kilts – luckily for you he won't be able to show us his elephant trick he likes to do when he's had a few – the one when he turns the pockets of his trousers inside out – you'd get to meet thumper then.

YYY never liked school much – when he actually turned up he wasn't too bad but he preferred other things like messing about, fighting, shoplifting, running away & camping in the forests – you know normal boys stuff. On the academic side of school apparently YY always had a problem distinguishing between inches and millimetres and I've heard that is still the case.

YY wasn't always a hit with the girls, indeed I sometimes had to do my best to help him out. On one occasion we were in a premier nightclub in Essex….5th Ave…c'mon boys you know the one…..Anyway, the slow songs were about to start and YYYY had had more knockbacks than Peter Beardsley, so I led him by the arm to a gullable looking girl and told her that my friend was blind and could she look after him whilst I go the toilet. She obviously felt very sorry for him and agreed. Everything was going great, XXX even had his arm around her moving in for the kill when he spotted me at the bar, waved and gave me the thumbs up. He then got another slap and left alone.

About ZZZZZZ

ZZZ deserves a good husband; luckily for YY he got in there before she found one!

I've actually known ZZ for about 10 years so know a few stories about her too –I have been warned not to delve into her colourful past, in any case I've only got a few minutes, so I'll leave her horrible pre and post pubescent attitude and the short spell she spent in a Singapore jail for drug trafficking to someone else.

Instead all I'll say is that as I have seen her grow up she has blossomed into a lovely, independent, bubbly person (most of the time) . She can still do the splits and back flips from her gymnastic days. She's also got an even bigger & louder mouth than YY which isn't easy. And it's an honour to be here today not just for YY but also for you both

ZZZ's turned into a wine connoisseur since moving to London, she now knows there are more than two types of wine, not just red or white. She also loves to spend her money on all the new treatments out there for the skin trying to spend as much money for as small a tub of Clarins as she can find.

You'd also think she'd would have grown out of the pop concerts by now but she happily went to see Robbie in concert a few weeks back. They started queuing at 1’oclock the morning before, to make sure she was at the front. Apparently XXX doesn't look as good as Robbie in tiger pants.

WHEN THEY MET

Which brings me nicely on to the story of how YY & ZZZ met in romantic Magaluf. It was in the summer of 91 six of us on our first boys holidays & YY's last ever. Some of you might not know but ZZZ worships the Sun & those that know YYY that's he's not the shy type. Like a bronzed Adonis, YYY minced over to her towel -stepped on it blocking her Ray's. I think he then picked her up threw her in the pool and asked her if she wanted to see his………… room, this seemed to do the trick..

On the same holiday YYYYYY thought he'd show us all how to ride a motorbike wearing the necessary safety gear of shorts, shades & trainers. Not knowing the way home, slightly worse for wear, YYYYYY had a flash of inspiration when he spotted a Bus, believing that he could follow it, of course it must be going past our Apartments. Not a bad idea really, except the bus was parked and YYYYYY ploughed straight into the back of it.

It was then over the next few years that the holiday romance bloomed, ZZZZZZ would come down to London on a Friday night eager to see the clean cut, boyish love of her life…….Take That in concert……and then YYYYYY for the rest of the weekend..

The Two Of Them

They also both like stripping off, ZZZ more often than YYY – but they both like it. A few years ago in Gran Canaria, YY & ZZZ persuaded no forced Me & UUUU to join them skinny dipping in the early hours of the morning in the hotel pool, but the girls made so much noise screaming the security guard caught us all. So me & XX legged it – leaving the girls naked trying to talk the Security guard into getting towels for them – fortunately for the other guests he did.

They will both quite happily get up and go for a run together or play tennis when your or I are still in bed on a Sunday morning at 9.00. They are both pretty competitive too, ZZ would like to think she can beat YY at tennis or badminton but he has to let her win sometimes…

Stag Weekend

We all took a vow of silence before we went on the Stag weekend to Amsterdam and I'm not about to break it now, so you won't be hearing anything about that place other than 4 words of advice –DON'T TOUCH THE MUSHROOMS.

Thank You's

To be serious for a minute, UU & I couldn't ask for any better friends than YYYYYY & ZZZZZZ and we're both delighted they've managed to make an honest couple of each other at last. This is a couple that are meant to be together and will undoubtedly enjoy a happy and long lasting marriage. I know YYYYYY wants about six kids so Thumper & Pinky had better get cracking when they come back from Hawaii.

I would like to now take this opportunity to say a few thank you's. Firstly, to the bridesmaids. Now I know what you're thinking, but you'd be wrong. It is apparently quite difficult to pout, look pretty, and hold flowers all at the same time, especially for over an hour, but I'm sure you'll agree they've performed such a role brilliantly, they all look beautiful and have done an amazing job here today. And of course so have the ushers. So I think a round of applause for them all is definitely in order…

I'd also like to thank everyone on behalf of the Bride and Groom for sharing their special day, especially those of you who have travelled from London, even if it would have been easier for me that you just turned up as evening guests. Also a big thank you to ZZs Mum for all her hard work – she really spent a lot of time and worry making this day special for the two of them. I'd also like to thank YY for making us wear the skirts, football socks & handbags – suppose that's our fault for not sorting out the suits sooner.

Toasts

To round off, it gives me great pleasure, not to mention great relief, to ask you to charge your glasses and raise a toast to the happy couple. May you both live as long as you like and have all that you like for as long as you live Mr & Mrs XX.…

Finally, if anyone thought I was a bit easy on XXX that's because fortunately for you lucky people, the speeches aren't over yet, so I'd like to ask ???????, who I'm sure you all know by now, (He's the noisy one on that table) to say a few words. ?