Speech by Simon Osborn

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Osborn
Speech Date: Jul 2002
I'll start with a few tried and tested best man words of wisdom, join in if you know the words:

• Never go to bed angry…..always stay up and fight

• The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

• A husband's last word should always be ‘YES DEAR’.

• In a woman's dictionary an ARGUMENT is defined as:

A discussion that occurs when the wife is right but the husband just hasn't realised that yet.

• And finally always try to help with the cleaning..…

Pick up your feet when she is doing the hovering.

I have to admit that I was quite shocked when Simon told me that he was getting married – I actually put an advert into the local paper announcing to the girls that Simon was off the market and could anybody with keys to his house return them to the address below. (hold up big bag of keys) the response was quite impressive.

Anyway – As you all know Simon is quite at home in casual clothes, hooded tops and jeans – but its good to see he has made the effort today. But I'm not too happy that he's copied my outfit!

Now I know it is customary for the best man to take this great opportunity to prove to you all that Simon is not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer but I'm not going to ….[PAUSE]… as it would just be poking fun at Simon's expense …[Pause]… and to be honest we've been doing that for years.

Your not getting out of it that easily.

I've been asked to present Simon with a special gift from our parents (Give Simon penknife) I think you may recognise it.

Simon wanted to try out his new penknife so that is what he did!

When he told mum what he had done, she wasn't to pleased to see a gaping hole in the brand new settee and then had the cheek to tell our mum about his handy work with a cheeky grin on his face.

One more funny story from Simons amazing repertoire.

Everyone sleep waks at a younger age but not many people would do it the way Simon did!

Simon woke up one night and wandered round to our next door neighbours house.

He knocked on the door waking them up.

During the time it took them to open the front door Simon proceeded to pee up there garage wall.

If that wasn't enough he then told them that we were being burgled and for someone who was half asleep that is quite imaginative.

I was told that there were a few guidelines to being best man so here they are:

1. Bring a chequebook or credit card for forgotten payments

No problem there, I lifted Simon's wallet on the Stag do and I've been practising his signature all week.

2. Help the groom dress

Thankfully I was nowhere near him when he got dressed as I am sure it's not a pretty site.

3. Ensure the Groom uses the toilet before going into the church

I think he should be able to manage that or Helen has just taken on a lot more than she expected.

4. Dance with the Bride after the Groom and her father

Not a problem and given Simon dances like a distressed giraffe with a broken leg I think it may be quite fun for Helen.

Just before we arrived I was given a few messages to read out from all those that a promise of free food and booze couldn't convince them to leave the sofa and TV this afternoon:

Helen, Best wishes on you special day, I am sorry I couldn't make it – Ricki Martin.

[REAL MESSAGE]

Simon, thanks for everything. I will never forget our nights by the pool – Michael Barrymore.

Now Simon, you really are a lucky bloke marrying Helen. She is a lovely person and she deserves a good husband so well done thank GOD you married her before she found one.

Here's to love, laughter
and happily ever after.
As Simon and Helen start their new life,
Let's toast the new husband and wife!