Speech by Simon Phillips

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Phillips
Speech Date: Mar2003
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Simon, I'm James’ oldest friend, and I'm one half of the best man double act we have for you today. If any of you are wondering, I will be the only best man giving a speech, and if any of you are wondering why I'm doing it and not Tom, the truth is that he doesn't enjoy public speaking…and I don't enjoy extended stays in hospital, so I don't argue with him.

I'd like to start by thanking Peter and Sue (Bride's parents) and Barry and Ann (Groom's parents) for inviting us all here today to celebrate with James and Caroline. It's been a fantastic day so far, and I'm sure it will continue to be a fantastic evening – as long as I don't ruin it right now!

On behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd also like to thank James for his kind words. I have to do it for them, because according to wedding tradition, women aren't allowed to speak for themselves!

(The joke got a big laugh, and then some mock-scandalised tones, so I decided to follow it up with this:)

When I ran that joke by Barry in the car this morning, he told me that they more than make up for it once they get you home, though.

More seriously, I would also like to add my own thanks to the bridesmaids.
Not only did they all look absolutely beautiful, but they have done a wonderful job in helping Caroline get through what we all know is a very stressful time, so Tom and I have some gifts which we would like to present to them now as tokens of our gratitude.

(We handed out the gifts, and then I started making it more obvious that I was holding an extravagantly large number of cue cards – probably about 150)

I have known James his entire life, and I know every single skeleton in his closet. More than that, I have known about this wedding longer than anybody, so I have had ample time to remember every single one of them, and I've come up with these little beauties (I started waving the cards around in front of me).

Unfortunately, James and Caroline came up to me just before we sat down for this meal and told me that I was not allowed to mention any stories that might embarrass or humiliate James, or anything about any ex girlfriends, or anything that might…lead to a divorce before the day is even finished …
so I'm afraid I won't be able to mention the time when James stripped off and sold his clothes to a stranger on the streets of Northampton (fling card away in disgust).

Nor will I be able to mention the time James stripped off to do the full monty on stage in front of a crowded bar in the Canaries. (fling another
card)

Nor any of the numerous times when James has stripped off and gone skinny-dipping – especially not the time when Tom stole his clothes. (fling
card)

Nor the time when James took the whole ‘Naked Chef’ concept a little too literally, stripped off and made us all hotdogs! (fling card)

If you are spotting a pattern here, you aren't far wrong – I'm surprised he managed to put a bloody suit on today!

I can't mention her, her, her, or her (flinging away a card on every "her")

(I then looked down and quickly riffled through all the blank cards I'd stashed in the middle of the stack, and flung them over my shoulder in
disgust)

I suppose I should talk about how James and Caroline first met. It's strange, because it's one of the few major events in James’ life that I have not been present for, as it happened when they were both working on the other side of the world. I should say, though, that it came as no surprise to me that James had been forced to travel 6000 miles to find an English girl who'd have him.

James and I were sat having a drink earlier this week, and I told him that I wanted to mention in my speech how he and Caroline had first met, so I asked him to fill me in on the specifics. His response was "I don't know, I think it was at some initiation somewhere."

"Okay," I said, "what do you think the first thing you might have said to her was?"

And he told me that it was probably: "I'm Well Drunk" (Said disdainfully, and shaking my head at the groom)

So I think we can all see how such a wonderful romance blossomed from such beautiful beginnings!

The first time I met Caroline, though, I was delighted to find that she was somebody I had so much in common with, and I knew straight away that she was somebody who I knew was perfect for James. It's wonderful now, 3 years down the line, to be able to stand here at the wedding of those same two people and know that your instincts were right, and that they will be happy together for the rest of their lives.

I'm actually reminded of something I heard Barry say to James some years ago now. He told him that he hadn't know what true happiness was until he got married…but by then it was too late.

This is a very special occasion, and as such, I thought it would be appropriate to make a special effort, so I have actually composed a short poem for James and Caroline which I hope you won't mind me sharing with you now. (I took an extended pause here to look around the room casually as everybody wondered what on earth I was about to say, then I paused even further to take a sip of wine – although I managed to do it nonchalantly and smack my lips, I actually did it because my throat was drying up with nerves, but everybody laughed so I'd recommend it if you are doing something similar to the poem routine).

Congratulations on the termination of your isolation, and may I express my appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration that has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to gather a congregation and make this unification to bring an accumulation to the population. (I paused for laughs, then cut them off immediately with the
following) So as I bring a toast to this occasion, and wrap up this lengthy salutation, I raise my glass to this combination, and bid good luck to the consummation! So cheers everybody, and on with the celebration!

Although that does seem to bring a natural end to proceedings, I have written some serious words – actual serious words this time – to say to the happy couple, because James has been my best friend for my entire life, and he's practically a brother to me – if you doubt that I've almost been one of the family, just ask Ann and Barry how much their weekly grocery shopping bill went down after I left for university!

So in all seriousness – James, I hope that for the rest of your lives, you and Caroline can be friends to each other as only lovers can, and love each other as only the very best of friends can.

Caroline, I have known this man my whole life, nobody has known him longer, but I am thrilled to stand here and know that you now have the pleasure and the privilege of knowing him best. I want you to know that I couldn't imagine a more perfect bride for my best friend.

I wish you both a day of perfection, a lifetime of happiness, and may your home always be too small to hold all of us who love you. Ladies and Gentlemen, congratulations to James and Caroline!