Speech by simon seary

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: simon seary
Speech Date: Jul2005
Ladies and Gentlemen,

Good afternoon,

My name is ‘ ‘ and I am the Best Man.

When preparing this speech, a wise old man told me that it should last no longer than the time it takes the Groom to make Love.

So thank you very much! (Sit down)

I can assure you this isn't the first time today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand!

It's a real honour to be Darren's best man, As well as slightly daunting …….But he's assured me, That if I do a good job today he'll let me be the best man at his next wedding !!

I have done quite a bit of research towards this speech today, And because Darren is in computers, I decided to look on the Internet.
After a while…I finally found some REALLY GOOD stuff……
But it had nothing to do with being a best man….…

Firstly I'd like to congratulate Darren on a truly magnificent speech.
I always knew it would be difficult to follow one of your speeches, and I Was right ..…
I could hardly follow a word of it!

I'd would like to thank the ushers
Simon and Phil for a job well done today.
Considering they both have difficulty with the alphabet and their left and right.
So I'm glad everyone was sat in the correct place for the ceremony.

We can not forget the bridesmaids today for their invaluable contribution to the wedding, I'm sure you'll all agree with me, that they all look wonderful.

But before we carry on.
Firstly Can I have some audience assistance, So you can all help me out a little………..Will you do that?
Sorry didn't hear you, a little bit louder please..…
(Wait for audience response).

First, can you all just shift up to the end of your seat,
Next, this left side all shouts a big ‘Ooh’
And finally nice and loud, the right side says Arrhh

I told Darren I'd do a speech that would have everyone oohing and ahhing on the edge of their seats!

I'd like to ask Darren and Gayle to help in the next part of my speech.
Gayle if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table Darren, if you can put your hand directly on top of Gayle's …(PAUSE) Enjoying that Darren?
Make the most of it mate because it's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand!!!! (PAUSE)

Its great being here today because after all the years I've known Darren he has finally admitted that I am the Best Man.

There's no doubt that my role as best man is going better than expected already, starting with last night, It was my duty to make sure that on Darren's last night of freedom, he was put to bed safety ……………………..…
and not on the Eurostar to Paris.

Well I can assure you all that he was in bed nice and early and slept like a baby………………
he wet the bed twice and woke up crying for his mother.

I'd like to mention Darren's good points.
Darren is intelligent, caring, trusting and good luck …..… look …..…
(Look at Darren)
“I'm really sorry Darren; I can't read your handwriting”

Yes , Ladies and Gentleman …
Here is a man who is now putting the letters Bsc. after his name , What he doesn't tell anyone is that they actually stand for Bronze Swimming Certificate !!!!!!!

So Darren and Gayle have decided to get married for better or for worse…………………..… which is quite appropriate really………
as Darren couldn't have done any better, and Gayle couldn't have done any worse.

At this point in my speech I would have liked to have told you about the stag night.
I wanted to tell you how drunk Darren got and the mischief that he got up to and even about the night clubs he got thrown out of, but the law of the stag does not allow me to do this.

But who was in room 203? You left these. (Produce size 40” Knickers)

I was speaking to Gayle's dad earlier on today and he mentioned how quickly children grow up these days……… He said that when Gayle was younger, he remembers sending her to bed with a dummy………………….…
how history repeats itself.

Being in the profession that he is, working with computers, I believe that Darren should be well prepared for marriage, since women are a lot like computers.

For example, only their creator understands their internal logic, the language that they use to communicate with other computers is completely incomprehensible to anyone else, even your smallest of mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval, and as soon as you make a commitment to one, you end up spending half your wage packet on accessories for it.

Many of you will be aware that Darren and Gayle have quite recently purchased their first house together.
This house does require a little bit of DIY work, and anyone who knows Darren will know that he is not exactly a DIY king.
However, in order to get the house looking good he assures me that since moving in he and Gayle have been banging and screwing at every opportunity.

Darren is a man of hidden talents…
And as soon as I find one I will let you know!

Believe it or not Darren did go to school, but it is fair to say he wasn't the sharpest pencil in the box.
I remember sitting in Pizza Hut with him one day when the waiter asked if he wanted his pizza cut into 4 or 8 pieces.…
He said…you better make it 4 because ill never manage 8.

When I first met Gayle my impression was of a beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and thoughtful person.
But she soon ruined this by agreeing to marry Darren.

Darren truly is a lucky man today marrying Gayle; She is a wonderful lady who deserves a good husband … So I think Darren has done a fantastic job at marrying her before she had a chance to find one.

Messages and Cards

In the days leading up to this marriage I thought it would be a good
idea to seek out some wedding advice from our mutual friends so that Darren and Gayle can benefit from their wisdom:

>From Mr Simon Beverley:
"Darren, I muttered a few words in church and I was married. A year later, I muttered a few words in my sleep and I was nearly divorced"

>From Mr Richard Speck:
“It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he always ends up with the same boss.”

>From My Darling wife:
Before marriage a man will lay awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage he'll fall asleep before you have finished saying it. “

Mr Michael Waddington
“Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the
strings are attached.”

Mr James Beverley – Why bother with marriage?
Just find a woman you hate ………………….and buy her a house.

And finally a message for Gayle from Joanne:
"the trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing……………………..and then marry him.

A Request
For Sale. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica.
Excellent Condition.
£500 ONO. No longer needed. Just Married.
Wife knows everything.

On behalf of the bride and groom,
I would like to thank everyone here for sharing in this unique and special day, Particularly those who have travelled long distances.
I know that I will never forget it.

On behalf of myself I wish that you had all stayed at home, because things would have been a lot easier for me.

Finally it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise yourg lasses to Darren and Gayle.
I am sure everyone here today would like to wish them both good health,
happiness and a wonderful life together.

‘”May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old-
fashioned enough to last forever.”’

Mr and Mrs Elvidge.