Speech by Simon Smith
a speech i used yesterday lasted about 10 minutes or so and was well received.
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Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Smith
Speech Date: Aug2004
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, if there is anybody feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy about what lies ahead, it's probably because you've just married Andy!
For those of you who don't know me, I'm Simon, Andy's best man. For those of you that don't know Andy, it doesn't matter because after this speech you probably won't want to.
When Andy asked me to be his best man, I naturally had many questions. What had I done to bestow such an honour? Had everybody else refused, had all his friends left the country? More importantly, could I refuse and still get an invitation to consume copious amounts of free alcohol? That was a risk I was certainly unwilling to take!
I hope you've all enjoyed the day so far, and I am sure you will all agree that Susan looks absolutely stunning!
I would also like to thank the Bridesmaids Suzanne, Natasha & Olivia and again I'm sure you'll agree they look beautiful and have done a tremendous job.
I'd just like to say, Andy, you are a lucky groom – you've married Sue who is beautiful, smart, warm, loving & caring and she deserves a good husband. So thank god you married her before she found one.
The service went very well indeed, although I did hear the vicar say to his assistant “when the Bride enters the church please make sure all the doors and windows are bolted”. I also heard him ask Andy “how is your sex life?” Andy replied “Infrequent” the vicar then asked “is that one word or two”.
My role as best man is going better than expected today. I've so far managed to get him to the church on time, ship@shape & in a sober state, I think even Andy was surprised. All went well this morning getting the condemned man ready, he even ate a hearty breakfast. My one disappointment however is failing to meet his final request as a single man – this was due to strong protests from the Sheep Welfare Council.
Well what can I say about Andy? He's handsome, charming, sophisticated & witty, so his mum tells me.
He was born on the 12th of May 1976. He's put a little weight on since then, to think he once weighed 8lb 11oz. Now I don't know whether it was a coincidence or not but 1 week after his birth, family planning became free on the NHS.
1976 saw the hottest summer since records began, dancing in the street to Abba. A good night out on a fiver and still come home with change. This is something Andy can still manage, especially with a few tips from his brother Phil.
This year saw the sex pistols & the clash hit the scene. I've tried to find somebody who shares Andy's birthday but could only come up with Jack & Jill the Blue Peter cats. There was going to be a pussycat joke there but even I found it distasteful. Nobody had mobile phones or computers. How did we survive? Probably with a little help from Gloria Gaynor!
If you're not already aware Andy's middle name is Malcolm, and if you haven't guessed he wasn't the favourite child of the family. Even his packed lunch was given to him in a roadmap.
I've known Andy for the best part of 20 years now, over that time he has grown up a little.
When he was younger he used to like dressing up as a cowboy, this had to stop, especially when we were refused entry to a trendy bar on the stag do.
From his early days as a Sea Cadet Andy has had a longing to join the navy. The appeal of jumping aboard a long sturdy vessel full of seamen was too much to resist. Not to say Andy has gay urges, but only last week he was feeling my leg in a taxi. Apparently he thought I was Sue. I agree, likely story.
When Andy first introduced Sue to his family & friends they were very pleased, not just because of her many outstanding qualities, but also because she was not only under 50 but also had all her own teeth. After a night out in Blackpool it was possible for some lads to bring home the odd trophy. This resulted in items of women's underwear being strewn around my house – bra's on the landing – knickers on the light fittings. But when Andy stayed over this is what one of his conquests left behind. TEETH!
Andy is a keen & excellent golfer, most males in this room will agree to this as they are probably a few quid lighter this year because of his talent.
He is a true professional in his career where he is a Senior Projects Manager for fuel & exhaust systems on Euro fighter. This he mirrors in his personal life, as I know only to well. He has an unbelievable fuel capacity, his exhausts work better than any I've witnessed, but his emissions are far too high.
Andy is a very competitive sportsman, this showed only too well on the stag do when we were go@karting. Andy won the first race due to having a faster go@kart this was laid on by the organisers. On the final race, unfortunately, Andy was disqualified, he was doing very well racing ahead but he failed to complete the circuit. When I mentioned this to Sue she told me that that was normal.
I believe marriage is a wonderful thing for Andy. It will teach him loyalty, self@restraint and control. It will develop him a sense of responsibility, fair@play and so many other qualities he has never before needed.
I would at this stage like to read out a few telegrams that have arrived from a few people that unfortunately couldn't make it.
A couple of words of advice for Andy from a few seasoned professionals in the marriage game –
Always remember your anniversary – just forget your first
Always agree to disagree
And never choose the wallpaper
Ladies and Gentlemen, joking aside, Andy maybe Mr Vein, he might wear his sunglasses in the bath & his fashion ideas are straight from his 1985 debut in the school drama productions as vanilla ice. He is the man we know only as too smooth & he is definately the worst dancer I know, but I would like say there isn't a nicer more genuine guy around. A true diamond geezer!
I would also on behalf of Andy & Sue like to thank everybody that has played a part in making the day so special for them, a big thanks to everybody who has helped in any way. Also, a huge thank@you to all the staff at Northcote for the superb hospitality & wonderful cuisine.
And without further ado, as a man that will drink to absolutely anything, it gives me great pleasure to ask you all to be upstanding and charge your glasses and join me in a toast to the new Mr & Mrs Linton Ladies and Gentlemen Andrew & Sue
